


Finding Garrus – A Kiraka Shepard Story

by Ishbella



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Interspecies Romance, Romance, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-13 18:38:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 64,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4532934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishbella/pseuds/Ishbella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kiraka Shepard, War Hero, Engineer, Earthborn and mostly Paragon smartass who can get a little explosion happy was brought back by Cerberus after the Normandy SR-1 was destroyed. </p><p>Everything changes when you die and even more changes when you wake up alone on a med table in a facility that’s on fire. Shepard has a new Mission: to protect the human colonists from a race called the Collectors by destroying them.</p><p>The worst change is when you’re friend is bleeding out all over you and you’re reaction is more extreme than it should be. A suicide mission is probably one of the worst times to be forced to come to terms with the depth of your feelings for your best friend and an even worse time to act on them.</p><p>Mainly focused on the developing relationship between Garrus and Shepard it is told through POV.</p><p> </p><p>oh i forgot. contains mature language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And I need you to recover, because I can't make it on my own

**Author's Note:**

> i really like the name Kiraka, for those who notice that nearly all my characters ever will be named this.
> 
> this fanfic was started for the nanowrimo monthly camp
> 
> oh i forgot. contains mature language. i swear just as a normal part of language so cussing really isn't a big deal for me.

Blood was everywhere thick, blue and slightly sticky. It spread across the floor like ink, covering her hands, the front of her armour and she couldn’t stop it, oh gods… she couldn’t stop the flow. She was an engineer not a medic and right now she had never felt so useless or so helpless. If he died; she didn’t know what she was going to do, how she could possibly complete the impossible mission before her without him at her six.

 

“Stay with me, Garrus!” Shepard all but screamed, completely forgetting the Cerberus audience to her distress. Her best friend was bleeding out all over her and all she could do was yell helplessly at him, his eyes were closed but flickering behind the lids and his hand unconsciously tightening on the barrel of his mantis.

 

Behind her she could hear Miranda call for Joker and Dr Chakwas, at least one of them was composed because it sure as hell wasn’t Shepard right now. Beside her, in her peripheral vision she saw Jacob come to crouch down next to her; Shepard barely spared him a glance too intent on keeping the massive wound at the side of Garrus’s neck clamped as tightly as she could without strangling him.

 

“We better hurry. He looks bad” He informed her, telling her the blatantly obvious. If she had been in the mood to be fair she would have admitted that he had just as much medical knowledge as she did and at least he hadn’t been telling her that Garrus was going to die but she wasn’t in a charitable mood at the moment, covered as she was with her friend’s blood.

 

She was distracted from answering Jacob, or beating him into a similar state, she wasn’t sure which had been going to happen in her current mood by Garrus’s strangled gasp. His piercing blue eyes opened, but they were glazed over with the pain and she could hear he was having trouble breathing. Blood was undoubtedly pouring down his throat; if he stayed here he was going to drown well before he could bleed out but she couldn’t help but feel the fact that he had regained consciousness was a promising sign. Not knowing if he could hear her she began to mutter encouragements to him, desperately hoping that she wasn’t lying to the both of them.

 

“ETA 6 minutes, Commander. We have to move him to the shuttle destination.” Miranda informed her, coming to kneel at her other side. She activated her omni-tool to check his vitals.

 

Well at least one of them had medical knowledge and if anyone could keep him alive for six minutes it was definitely Miranda, Shepard thought relieved. One of Miranda’s delicate hands came over the top if hers, gently but forcefully shifting them to the position she wanted them. Some of the bleeding slowed, not much but enough for her untrained eyes to notice. There was blue everywhere, she was never going to forget having his blood all over her.

______________________

 

How they got off Omega and onto the Normandy was a blur of sticky blue blood to Shepard. Vaguely she remembered shooting anything alive and synthetic that got between her and the shuttle, and then she was peeled away from Garrus as Dr Chakwas took over. She was going to buy that wonderful woman a drink, or several.

 

Now however, Shepard was now wearing a hole in the floor with her pacing as the Dr and Miranda worked on Garrus in the med bay while the crew avoided eye contact with her. That didn’t surprise her; she looked like either a murder victim or a serial killer covered in so much indigo blood, she could feel the tightness of it on her face where it had dried in her hair. Shepard knew she should bathe, that there was nothing more she could do for him but she just couldn’t bear to leave while he was in surgery.

 

“Commander. I will inform you when surgery is finished; I would suggest you take a shower and rest.” the polite voice of EDI came from all around her.

 

“I’m fine, EDI” Shepard snapped, coming to a halt in her pacing. Rest was something that wasn’t going to happen until she knew he was out of the woods.

 

“Then I suggest a shower. Dr Chakwas won’t allow you into the med bay in your present state” EDI informed her, changing tactics, probably at the advice of Joker. Damn, that was true. There was no way the Doc would allow her into see him covered in blood.

 

“Fine but as soon as they’re done, tell me.” Shepard ordered, stalking bad temperedly to the lift.

 

“Understood. Logging you out, Commander Shepard” EDI sounded smug, was it even possible for a shackled AI to be smug. That was a question to ponder later, Shepard thought as she bashed the button for her cabin harder than was necessary.

                                                                     

For the first time since she woke up in the Cerberus med facility, Shepard cried. She cried in big racking sobs as she watched the blue blood run in rivets down her body and flow brightly down the drain. No one could see her and she was sure no one but EDI could hear her so she allowed it, allowed the stress of the day to overtake her and undo her as she allowed herself to think about everything that had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter has been edited a little bit.


	2. This is not where I left you!

She hadn’t expected to find Garrus in that abandoned apartment lot, under siege by mercenaries. When he’d taken off his helmet it had felt like a nightmare. He was exhausted, his plates didn’t have the same shine to them that they had the last time she had seen him, worse something about him screamed that he was depressed.

 

“Shepard, I thought you were dead” He told her as he seated himself on an old box and faced her, her assessment of his condition evident in his voice. Gone was the enthusiastic young man she had known, it broke her heart to see that the last two years had been so hard on him but she had probably never been happier to see him.

 

Even though she knew Jacob and Miranda were with her, standing right behind her, Shepard couldn’t help rushing up to her old friend and throwing her arms around his neck, just as she had done with Tali. It was an awkward angle with his armour on but she had needed to feel that he was really there; evidently he had the same idea because his arms came around the back of her chest and held her to him.

 

“Garrus, What are you doing here?” she questioned quietly from his neck, not quite able to disguise her surprise and intense relief in her voice at finding him.

 

“Just keeping my skills sharp, a little target practice” His flanged voice was hollow and bone weary, it worried her more than it should have.

 

“You ok?” she asked worried, pulling back from him so she could see his face. He was avoiding eye contact with her and that wasn’t a good sign about his mental state. Eye contact was considered polite in Turian culture.

 

“Been better, but it sure is good to see a friendly face. Killing mercs is hard work, especially on my own” There was a touch of anger in his voice, viciously suppressed but under it she could hear that he was glad to see her, she owed him her story but it wasn’t the right time. Like everyone else, he would have grieved for her.

 

“Since when did you start calling yourself Archangel?” She asked, taking a step back so she wasn’t crowding him anymore, Turians had different views on acceptable physical contact than humans did.

 

“It’s just a name the locals gave me…for all my good deeds” He told her, pausing to give a bitter laugh and a slight mandible flare. Given his mood, Shepard took that to be an equally bitter smile. “I don’t mind it but please, it’s just Garrus to you” There was just a tiny hint of his old shy awkwardness, the half flirty banter they used to share in his voice and in the way he rubbed his mandible as he told her she could just call him by his name. It would have been sweet if he had said it looking her in the eye.

 

“What are you doing out here on Omega?” it wasn’t the time but she had to ask. He was supposed to be in C-Sec on his way to becoming a Spectre, it was what he had wanted last time they talked and she had even sent off a recommendation and helped him fill out his paperwork. She couldn’t understand why he would throw that away to come to the ass end of the galaxy. He _should_ have been safe. He _shouldn’t_ be here.

 

“I got fed up with all the bureaucratic crap on the Citadel, figured I could do more good on my own. Least it’s not hard to find criminals here, all I have to do is point my gun and shoot.” She knew there was more to it than that, way more and they were going to talk about it later, but for now she would accept this reason.

 

“How did you manage to piss off every major merc band in the Terminus System?” she asked him changing the subject away from why he ruined his career.

 

“It wasn’t easy. I _really_ had to work at it. I am amazed that they teamed up to fight me, they must really hate me.” He said with a poor attempt at his old humour.

 

“You nailed me good a couple of times, by the way” she grumbled stretching some kinks out of her shoulders and neck, again changing the subject and adding another thing to the growing list of things they were going to talk about later. She had known that if a sniper had been trying to kill her, she would be dead, but they had still stung like a bitch. 

 

“Concussive rounds only, no harm done.” His voice this time had more life in it, was more like the old Garrus who used to watch her six. “Didn’t want the Mercs getting suspicious.”

 

“Uhuh” she answered bad temperedly. Damn it this little bastard had enjoyed shooting her.

 

“If I wanted to do more than take your shields down, I’d have done it. Besides you were taking your sweet time, I needed to get you moving.” he had probably enjoyed shooting her a little too much, if he thought for one nanosecond that he was going to shoot her with concussive rounds every time he thought _she was taking her sweet time_ she was going to ram that gun somewhere unpleasant.

 

“Well, we got here but I don’t think getting out will be as easy” she told him, knowing they were going to have to shoot everything that moved.

 

“No, it won’t. That bridge has saved my life. Funnelling all those witless idiots into scope but it works both ways; they’ll slaughter us if we try to get out that way.” He explained turning towards the bridge behind him to show her what he meant.

 

“We can’t just sit here and wait for them to come to us” Jacob said defiantly as if no one else had thought of that. Shepard was ashamed to admit that she had sort of forgotten that he and Miranda were still with her, she had been so focused on Garrus.

 

“It’s not all that bad. This place has held them off so far and with three of you…I suggest we hold this location and wait for a crack in their defences and take out chances.” Garrus suggested turning to her to see her reaction and finally looking her in the eye. “It’s not a perfect plan but it’s a plan”

 

“How did you let yourself get into this position?” it was unlike Garrus to get himself backed into a corner. If she hadn’t come when she did, there was no way he would be able to get out of this alive and even now it was dicey. The thought had made her feel sick, if she had gone after Mordin first, Garrus would be dead, _if_ he was really god damned lucky. She didn’t even want to think about what would happen to him if he got taken alive, but there were some things in life you just didn’t think about and that was definitely one of them, she’d rather get spaced again.

 

“My feelings got in the way of my judgment, it’s a long story. I’ll make you a deal, you get me out of here alive and I’ll tell you the whole damned thing” The angry tone was back in force, something happened and it had something to do with the covered bodies she had seen in the room.

 

“If we fight as a team, we’ll hold them off” she didn’t need to be bribed with a story in order to want to save his ass, the very idea that she needed to be bribed to help him was insulting. Besides this was a fortified snipers position, it had held out this long and she was an engineer with two biotic team mates, they could handle a damned merc siege. Hell she could probably hold this position on her own for close on a month, provided there was enough water. Engineers wrote the damned book on holding out against sieges.

 

“You’re right; their numbers won’t help them in here anyway. Let’s see what they’re up to…” He agreed, walking forwards to check the positions of the mercs through his scope. They had been talking for a while with no interruptions and that meant the mercs were planning something. “Hmm…looks like they know their infiltration team has failed.”

 

Well it was either that or they found the mechanic she had electrocuted and left on the floor in front of the gunship and knew that Garrus now had help, which would explain their tactical delay. “Take a look, scouts. Eclipse, I think.” Garrus told her taking the scope from his eye and tossing her his Mantis. It was oddly flattering, having a sniper hand you his favourite gun.

 

She lined the scope up to her eye and looked out towards the barricade the mercs had set up to block Garrus in. Mechs were jumping over the hastily constructed wooden fortification, just great, like she hadn’t been shot at by mechs enough in the last month. Well at least this time she knew what the fuck was happening this time and wasn’t being led around by the disembodied voice of Miranda. They were 100m away and cautiously closing in, another few meters and they would be in range of her overload, but it had been a long time since she had shot anything with a real gun. A quick twitch of her finger and she blew the head off one of the advancing mechs, it was oddly satisfying.

 

“More than scouts. One less now though” She smirked handing the Mantis back to Garrus, she would never hear the end of it if she ran off with his fancy gun and left him to play with her SMG and her shitty pistol. Used to be that she would have gotten a smart ass comment about her sniper skills or her kill stealing but this Garrus just took his gun back without so much as a smirk.

 

“Indeed. We better get ready. I can do a lot of damage from this vantage point” Garrus informed her, at least they were still on the same page for how he could best use his skills. “You…you can do what you do best. Just like old times, Shepard.”

 

Not quite but it would be, Shepard thought to herself as she prepared for combat. At 100m away her SMG was going to be less accurate than usual, pistols were shit and her AI hack was out of range. That left her reliably with Incinerate, overload and her trusty old combat drone. Plenty of options and if all else failed she had a rocket launcher, give her a MAKO and this would be a party.

 

One day, one day someone would learn to double check the target coding on the heavy mechs before they were deployed but today was not that day. The looks on the mercs faces when the Heavy opened fire on them instead of Archangel was priceless, the looks of horror, the blood stains on the barricade, the confusion and screaming it was beautiful. The moral of the story that no one was going to survive to learn was: _always_ double check your target coding and _never_ leave your mechs unsupervised around the hired help.

 

Shepard wasn’t just any engineer though; she was one of the best in the Alliance even if she had been on two years leave due to sudden unfortunate death. Shepard’s mechs always exploded on destruction, it was something she had learnt during the Skyllian Blitz and even her VI combat drone was rigged to explode. The Heavy killed five mercs when it exploded; three more were wounded by shrapnel damage.

 

Amateurs, she scoffed silently from her position behind cover.

 

If the Heavy did anything useful it was to lure out the Eclipse leader Jaroth. Arrogant little shit jumped right over the only thing standing between him and a sniper bullet and proceeded to walk over the bridge like his shields and armour were going to protect him, he hadn’t even been wearing a helmet. Not that she, Miranda or Jacob were wearing helmets but seriously not the point, Archangels a sniper, it almost seemed like Jaroth didn’t want to live anymore and was trying to commit assisted suicide. The only thing that surprised Shepard for a moment was when Jaroth was pulled unceremoniously off the ground by Jacob’s biotics just seconds before Garrus put a bullet through the Salarian’s unprotected head. That was one Merc Company down, two to go.

 

“You’re kicking ass Shepard, they barely touched me and we took down Jaroth; I’ve been hunting that little bastard for months.” Garrus said sounding pleased in an angry spiteful kind of way. It hadn’t really been that hard despite the enemy numbers, just heat sink consuming and the Heavy had done most of the work. The sudden lull in the flood of mercs had something in her gut twinging with suspicion but there was a second to get a few more answers from her favourite Turian.

 

“Why were you after him?” She asked taking in all his grazes and the state of his shields. She was glad he had no major injuries after facing so many mercs but it would have been a different story if she hadn’t tampered with that Heavy, or if one of those mercs had a brain and had double checked the coding. They would have swarmed him if he had been on his own.

 

“He’s been shipping tainted eezo all over Citadel Space. Half the goods I seized at C-Sec came from his team here on Omega. I took out a big shipment a while back, killed his top Lieutenant in the process. Not surprised he decided to work with the other mercs after that.” Garrus told her as he fidgeted and stretched the kinks out of his shoulders. He looked bone tired; the natural grey of his eyelids were black with exhaustion and Shepard wondered when the last time he had gotten his required four hours of sleep was, certainly not in the last few days by the looks of it. On his own, and pinned down like this she would be surprised if he had gotten enough time to eat a protein bar and drink a few mouthfuls of water.

 

“We’re still got Blood Pack and Blue Suns left. Think we can make a break for it?” She couldn’t help the thread of urgency that trickled into her voice. They needed to get him out of here before he crashed and burned from exhaustion.

 

“Maybe. Let’s see what they’re up to.” He replied. If he had heard the tone in her voice he ignored it as he turned to survey the only exit out of this death trap. “They’ve reinforced the other side…heavily. But they’re not coming over the bridge yet. What are they waiting for?”

 

The suspicious feeling in her stomach flared into dread for a moment but it didn’t get a chance to last long. The words were barely out of Garrus’s mouth when an explosion from underground rocked the floor under their feet like waves under a boat and an alarm began to blast deafeningly loud. Well, shit. This damned death trap had an underground.

 

“What the hell was that?” Jacob asked like it wasn’t obvious. The guy was cute and altogether too honest and sweet to be working for Cerberus but _sometimes_ and she knew she hadn’t known him for long enough to really judge it fairly but _sometimes_ she felt he could be a little tiny bit slow on the uptake. She noticed when she turned around to give him that look, the one that said he had just uttered something stupid, that Miranda was already giving it to him. She had the air of a woman who gave people that look a lot, to him in particular.

 

“Dammit” Garrus exclaimed pulling her attention back to him. He had his Omni-tool open, the glowing orange light was a sharp contrast to his blue and black heavy armour. “They breached the lower level. Well they had to use their brains eventually. You’d better get down there, Shepard. I’ll keep the bridge clear.” His voice held notes of panic, she couldn’t really hear or read his sub harmonics but he was definitely shaken by this. Leaving him up here on his own would be a bad decision that would likely get him killed because if she was leading this siege, she would have the other merc company swarm the bridge while any allies he had were distracted by the mercs swarming the lower level.

 

“Let’s split up two and two. Keep one of my team here.” She had already decided who would stay even as she made the suggestion.

 

“You sure? Who knows what you’ll find down there.” Even exhausted, he was still worried about her safety; stupid Turian.

 

“Jacob, stay with Garrus. Keep him safe.” She ordered looking towards Jacob who was standing behind her. His biotic abilities while not as strong as Miranda’s, were far better suited to keeping waves of enemies back. She also trusted Jacob more than she did Miranda at present, while the woman was loyal to the mission Jacob’s conscience and good nature would keep Garrus safer.

 

“Thanks, Shepard. You better get going.” The relief in his voice confirmed that she had made the right call, even if it meant he would be worried.

 

“We’re on our way.” The door was the one she had seen locked under the stairs; she had a suspicion that was the one so she hadn’t asked him for directions. The lock was green when she approached it. As she headed down Garrus told her that there were three blast doors and she couldn’t help but wonder why they hadn’t been locked, unless of course no one had known where his hide out was until recently and he and his group had probably been using them to travel discreetly around Omega. It had obviously been one more thing he hadn’t had time to do with all the shooting and with being on his own.

 

Each path was filled with Vorcha and Krogan mercs, all wearing the red Blood Pact colours. While she felt no remorse about killing mercs, especially since they were trying to kill her best friend she did feel a slight twinge about killing Varren. She had always thought of them as dogs, sharp toothed alien reptile dogs and she hated to have to kill dogs. It wasn’t their fault; they were just following orders, doing what they were trained to do. Each door took ten very long seconds to close and was unopenable from the outside, after that it was just a matter of mopping up the rest of the enemies.

 

She had barely closed the last door when Garrus’s stressed out voice came through on her comm. “Get back here, Shepard. They’re coming through the door.”

 

It had been weeks since she had run like her ass was on fire, shooting left over mercs as she went. Hell with it she should have left both her squad members upstairs with him and come down here by herself, she hoped desperately that he wouldn’t pay for her lapse of judgment. She had barely broken a sweat when she reached the door back up to the upper level, beyond she could hear a Krogan yelling “Watch my back, I’ll deal with Archangel.”

 

Like hell you will, she thought coming around the corner and shooting one of the Vorcha in the head with her SMG. Let’s see him regenerate from that, she thought snidely. Next few minutes were what could only be described as a cluster fuck; Vorcha and Krogan were everywhere on the first floor with the big one named Garm charging upstairs. She wished she had another tech expert on her team since both Vorcha and Krogan could regenerate damage, her incinerate took them down quickly and it would have been nice to have someone else on the team with that ability. They died rolling around uselessly on the floor trying in vain to put the flames out; regeneration was useless when you were on fire. The smell of burning dead filled the room, they smelt disgusting when they died but then again, Vorcha tended to smell disgusting anyway.

 

At the first available opportunity she bolted up the stairs to help Garrus and she could hear that he was having problems; she hadn’t seen him carrying an assault rifle and snipers were one shot and reload only. Luckily for Garrus the Krogan couldn’t really charge with all the furniture in the way, it was probably the only thing that had saved her friend until she got up the stairs. They were barely doing any damage to him with his regeneration and his shields rebooting, even with her Combat drone distracting him. We’ll then, let’s see how he felt about rockets.

 

While probably a bad idea in such a confined area she reached for her launcher anyway as she came to stand between Garrus and Garm, forming a heavily armed N7 human barrier between them. Although Garrus didn’t say anything about her plan, she had noticed that his mandibles shifted nervously, in a way that reminded her of their trips in the MAKO. He knew what she was going to do and knew he couldn’t stop her; it was just like old times. Garm was on the other side of the room attempting to deal with her drone and he quite literally hadn’t known what hit him. The rocket slammed into the side of his body as the recoil made her take a few steps backwards, the explosion on impact caused her combat drone to be destroyed instantly and explode in the process, because that’s what her drones do, explode in people’s faces. The combination destroyed his shields and caused him major damage to the left side of his body; Garrus, being Garrus took the opportunity to put a well-placed bullet in the side of the Krogan Battlemaster’s head under his protective head plating, splattering his brain all over the floor. There was definitely a very good reason that Battlemasters were feared and the galaxy was waiting until they died out, they were ridiculously strong and this guy wasn’t even Wrex. Just the Blue Suns left.

 

“Thanks, Shepard. They hardly got through to me and we took out Garm and his Blood Pack. This day just gets better and better. He was one tough son of a bitch.” Garrus thanked her sounding relieved. He looked only slightly worse for wear; mostly she suspected the fatigue was catching up on him.

 

“You fought him before?” now was as good a time as any to find out why Garm had such a grudge, though she knew part of the story from talking to the huge bastard earlier.

 

“Yeah we tangled once, caught him alone. None of his gang to help him. Still couldn’t take him out. I’ve never seen a Krogan regen that fast. He’s a freak of nature. He just kept at it until his Vorcha showed up. It was close but I had to let him go. Not this time.” He answered the thrill of the kill and adrenaline making his voice speed up. He was completely glossing over the part where Garm chased him all over Omega and nearly caught him but she would let it go.

 

“Only the Blue Suns are left, I say we take out chances and fight our way out” she suggested not adding, before you crash from all the punishment they’ve put you through and I have to carry your plated ass to the shuttle.

 

“I think you’re right. Tarak’s got the toughest group but it’s nothing we haven’t faced before” Garrus conceded. “Besides, he won’t be expecting us to meet him head on…”

 

His sentence was cut off as bullets sliced through the room from a nearby window, scattering shattered glass everywhere and tearing what was left of the curtains to shreds. Dammit all, they got that damned gunship operational. Heavy machine gun fire had them all diving for cover, those bullets would rip through their shields like an Omni-blade through butter. 

 

“Damn it, I thought I took that thing out already!” Garrus called from behind a nearby crate as he loaded a new heat sink into his gun.

 

“They fixed it. But not completely, I made sure of that!” She called back over the sound of heavy gunfire.

 

Tarak was a damned good gunship pilot and was obviously unwilling to allow Garrus to destroy his baby a second time; his kiting meant that they were only getting in a few shots to damage the armour before he flew off only to appear at a different window. Each time he left a window to appear at another one his Blue Suns swarmed into the room like roaches, forcing them to ignore the gunship and take out the mercs first.

 

After they killed the woman Shepard recognised as Tarak’s lieutenant all the mercs on this floor were dead, the unnerving part was that Tarak himself had been quiet for a while, it had been a good few minutes since he had lodged a volley of heavy machine gun fire at them. Shepard sighed and rolled her shoulders, they were being swarmed from the bridge, and lack of enemies up here meant that they were now in the lower level. What she wouldn’t have given for another engineer on her squad during this cluster fuck, this was like the Skyllian Blitz all over again only with less sentry turrets.

 

She grabbed a couple of spare heat sinks as she moved out from cover, keeping low and out of sight and went to the stairs that led to the first floor. Shit, he had gotten the rest of his band in because of the distraction upstairs. Damn him. She hoped that Garrus didn’t see one of the merc bastards kick one of the carefully covered dead bodies out of the way, one of his dead squad. He was the first to die, she hit him right in the back with her incinerate before summoning her combat drone.

 

When she went down stairs to make sure all the Blue Suns were dead and that no more were coming she realised her mistake. She had left Archangel alone on the second level. “Archangel!” was screamed over the gunship loud speaker and quickly followed by the sound of the heavy machine gun; the bastard had waited until they were split up and searching the rooms for survivors.

 

She heard and oddly felt the bloody sounds associated with bullets ripping through flesh and armour, the sound of them peppering the hard concrete floor and walls with small craters. Oh, she hoped he made it to cover before any fatal damage was done.

 

“You think you can screw with the Blue Suns!” He yelled again as another wave of fire echoed through the empty building. She was on the stairs now, still too far away to help and having to dodge ricocheting bullets.

 

“This ends now!” was followed by the familiar sound of a rocket being deployed, seconds later she heard it explode and felt the building shake under the impact. Abandoning cover she dashed into the room to find it still smoking, the floor was cracked and pitted with the damage both from the impact and from the bullets. Garrus was lying on his side on the floor behind one of the plant beds, his armour was pitted and scorched and he wasn’t moving. A pool of bright blue blood was beginning to form around his head and it felt like her heart stopped for a moment at the sight of it, she could feel all the blood drain out of her face causing her lips to tingle slightly, like when you ate too much kiwi fruit.

 

“Garrus!” she called, there was no response and she prayed to a god she had never really believed in, that he was still alive. Her call caused a volley of bullets to fly overhead as that merc bastard opened fire on her. She dropped her SMG on the floor, knowing it wouldn’t be much use against a heavy gunship and pulled out her rocket launcher for the second time in the same day. With one hand she launched an Overload at the gunship, for a moment the surge of electricity fried the systems and gave her enough time to launch a rocket. It hit the ship right in the front glass and exploded in a fiery ball of death, out of spite and just for good measure because why the fuck not, she launched another rocket just as the ship began to lose altitude. 

 

As the Gunship tumbled to the ground in a fiery mass of un-survivable debris, Shepard had run the last few steps to Garrus. His blood was everywhere now, the battle hadn’t taken that long but now it was everywhere. Shepard felt her panic rising as she rolled him onto his back. He was still breathing but just barely, not knowing what else to do she had clamped her hand over his neck in an attempt to staunch the bleeding.

 

__________________________

 

Shepard wasn’t sure how long she had been in the shower, mindlessly watching the blue blood trickle down the drain between her feet as she remembered the horrible events of how he had gotten into that condition. Thinking about it, it had been her fault, a bad call on her behalf to go down to the lower level herself instead of sending Miranda or Jacob. It was a stupid rookie mistake that had nearly killed her best friend, which may yet kill her best friend and it would be all her fault.

 

In the state they had found him in, exhausted, starving and dehydrated Garrus could in no way be held responsible for his current condition. Over the hours they had been with him she had witnessed signs of his deteriorating condition and had known that they had needed to get him out of Omega ASAP so that he could rest before he crashed. She should never have left his side, despite the hot water running over her body she felt a fresh batch of tears roll down her already wet face.

 

“Commander, you ordered me to inform you when Dr Chakwas and XO Miranda completed the surgery on Officer Vakarian. His life signs are strong but he is still unconscious, Dr Chakwas will debrief you in full on his operation and the measures required to save his life.” EDI informed her “additionally, Dr Chakwas demands that you only come down to the med bay once you are properly cleaned.” Maybe it was the exhaustion and overwrought emotions catching up on her but the tone in the AI’s voice sounded suspiciously like sass.

 

“Tell her I’ll be down in a few minutes EDI” Shepard replied, attempting to reign in her emotions and finish her shower. He was alive, unconscious but alive. It was almost enough to make her believe that there was a higher power at work… almost. Logically she knew it was due to both the skill of Miranda and the Doc but she was relieved none the less.

 

Aside from the possibly several hours of water wastage and staring idly at the floor lost in bad memories it was probably one of the quickest showers she had ever had, the quickest blow dry her hair had ever gotten and a speedy dressing. Abandoning pride Shepard had basically bolted out of the lift with damp loose hair, no makeup and an untucked shirt. She determinedly ignored the staring of her crew at the state of her undress. When she entered the med bay Dr Chakwas was seated at her desk and one of the beds had a curtain screen around it for patient privacy, at the sound of the door opening the doc swivelled around in her hair to face her, her brow quirked up a little as she took in the state of Shepard’s undress but she said nothing.

 

“How is he?” she asked as she came to a halt at the edge of the Doctor’s desk.

 

“He will be fine, Commander. The damage to his face and neck would have killed a human but luckily Turians are a little more durable. He’s had skin grafts to his face and neck; he’ll need more of course after the healing is completed to remove the scars. We had to implant some cybernetics into him, mostly into his mandible and we expect he’ll have full functionality. Luckily his armour and shields protected him for the worst of the bullet damage but it still required major surgery. I expect he will wake up in a day or so, I’ll check his condition over then and he will be available for light duty.” Dr Chakwas explained keeping her tone professional and answering to the best of her ability without breaking patient confidentiality.

 

Shepard couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped her. “Can I see him?” she asked, if the doctor let her Shepard knew she would stay until another duty required her.

 

“Of course, Commander.” She said, a smile breaking out over her face as she pushed back her chair. “You’re lucky you got to Garrus when you did, Shepard. I told you he was dehydrated and close to starvation, well my scans have also told me that he was close to starvation. Turians are unable to forgo food for as long as humans, they can last a few days only. He would have survived maybe another day or two at most. I’m glad you found him, he belongs on the Normandy with us.”

 

Although Shepard had known when she saw him that Garrus wouldn’t have lasted much longer, hearing the doctor confirm it didn’t do anything for her level of anxiety. She would never regret her decision to go to Omega to collect Mordin first, she would never regret deciding to go after Archangel before collecting the Salarian from the plague ward. After Aria had told her about Archangel’s situation and how the mercenaries were recruiting she had decided to get Archangel while she still could, not knowing how long he could hold out. At least she had made one right call, even if her lapse in judgment had nearly gotten him killed.

 

She couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath when Chakwas drew back the curtain for her. Garrus was lying unconscious on the small med bay bed; it was almost comical how tiny it was for his large bulky frame. His feet hung over the edge and if he tossed and turned in his sleep he would probably end up on the hard floor. It worried her; they would have to invest in larger med bay beds to accommodate the alien crew members. A good half his face was obscured by stark white bandages, she could see stark indigo drops of blood in the centre where his left over bleeding had leaked through. She could also see gauze patches on his shoulder and on his chest where the light blanket didn’t quite cover him.

 

On one side of the bed, on the floor neatly tucked against the wall were the remains of his armour. It was gouged and melted in places; most of the collar was missing on the right side where his facial damage was. A few bullet scars littered the front, telling a grizzly tale of all the surgery he had needed to keep him alive and the right shoulder was a blown apart shattered mess. She felt tears prickle in her eyes at seeing the damage to his armour; she fought them back and took a few deep breaths to get herself back under control. His armour would need to be replaced, this would no longer protect him and it looked to be unrepairable.  

 

“Can I stay?” she asked, pulling the chair next to his bed around so she could face him. She would order that she be allowed to stay if necessary, she didn’t want him to wake up alone if she could help it or worse, to be told no one had visited him while he was unconscious.

 

“Yes, Commander. I hope you will remember proper bedside manner while you’re here, otherwise I’ll kick you out.” Chakwas informed her seriously as she nodded her accent and turned to leave. As Shepard lowered herself into the chair at his side she thought she heard the doctor mutter. “I never thought I’d have my two worst patients in the med bay at the same time.”

 

It was true. Both Shepard and Garrus hated being stuck in med bay and always left before they were properly cleared for duty, most of the time during the hunt for Saren they had taken to sitting in the cargo bay patching up each other’s wounds with medigel and dealing with the pain the old fashion way just to avoid seeing the ship’s doctor. It wasn’t that they had anything against Dr Chakwas; both of them just hated being stuck in the med bay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is a mistake in here somewhere. 'out' instead of 'our' if you find it can to add the sentense into the comments with it. it's pissing me off. also slightly edited from the original post.


	3. Will you redeem, my life again?

_She was dead; his best friend was dead because he hadn’t been at her six to take care of her, to stop her from killing herself in the defence of someone else, he hadn’t been there when she had needed him. All his goals and dreams of becoming a Spectre, the idle fantasies he’d had about traveling all over the galaxy with her righting wrongs and bringing the malicious to justice and protecting the innocent, re-joining C-Sec to protect people while he completed his training, it just seemed to fade away, it felt unimportant to him. Everything felt dull and faded now his best friend, the one person in the galaxy who had never been disappointed with him, who had taken the time to explain the reasons behind the systems he had hated, wanting him to be the best person he could be, who had always believed in him and encouraged him to do what he wanted with his life; was gone._

_“You can’t always predict how people will react, Garrus. But you can control how you will respond in the end, that’s what really matters.” She had told him after Dr Saleon had resisted his arrest, forcing them to kill him. At first he had been angry with how she was handling it even though she had just taken him at his word that they had the right Salarian, thinking that like everyone else she was just overriding him and didn’t trust his judgment, but when she had explained why they had to bring him in it had calmed him, and he had seen her point. More importantly he had understood what she had been telling him, don’t compromise yourself and sink to their level, doing it the right way helped more people and proved to them that they could trust you, like she had trusted him._

_At first he had idolized her, like so many others on the Normandy did, seeing her as a mentor and a legend but over time, as their friendship grew he had begun to see how isolated that idolization made her and had found himself wanting to get to know the person behind the rank. He had begun to notice that even though she went around the ship asking the crew how they were, making the time to help them with their personal problems whether that meant a trip to a ship in a different system or just lending them an ear, he began to notice that no one, not even Kaidan did the same thing for her. No one asked her how she was, how she was coping or even tried to get to know her. So he had, and slowly she had opened up to him and they had become real friends, best friends, rather than mentor and protégée._

_He had encouraged her to sit with him and Tali and tell them about her life on earth, which had led to her having to explain human customs and a little bit of earth’s history. Over cheap bottles of alcohol she had told them about her role in the Skyllian Blitz and in return they had shared more about their lives with her. Both he and Tali had decided that they preferred Kiraka Shepard the woman over Commander Shepard the legend, but knowing who she was hadn’t made her any less amazing._

_They had been the only ones who had let her vent and rage over Ash’s death, who had gotten her drunk and let her grieve. He had resented the need for that, scuttlebutt said that she was in a relationship with Staff Lieutenant Alenko but she had still chosen to come and talk to him and Tali about it, to cry on Tali’s shoulder about it as the caring and slightly confused woman had comforted her and he had rubbed her back feeling very awkward, rather than go to her human boyfriend and said boyfriend had been oblivious to her internal suffering; as far as Garrus knew Kaidan had never asked Shepard how she was coping with her decision. He had never asked her how she was coping with the loss of her friend._

_That same said boyfriend was currently giving a speech about Shepard and what a hero she was, it was heartfelt and even from here Garrus could see that the other man’s eyes were watering in that common alien way but there was nothing in his speech to indicate the woman underneath the legend, nothing about her as a person and he resented that. Anderson’s speech had been the same, more or less, about what a passionate soldier she was, her skills as an engineer and her morals but nothing about how she collected model ships, how she organised her books by author, then by series, about how all the books in a series had to be the exact same height or why she preferred printed books that took up space over data pads and that she had been forced to sell them all when she had been posted upon the Normandy as XO, nothing about how she was the galaxies worst MAKO driver, just about the legend._

_“They haven’t said anything about **her** , just about the things she’s done.” Tali sobbed beside him, obviously equally frustrated and angry underneath her grief. Her suit had to be working overtime to vent all her tears, otherwise her drowning might be a real concern, it was times like this that he was glad then that Turians didn’t cry the same way the other races did but his subvocals hadn’t stopped their grieved keening since he had gotten the news that she was dead. _

_He looked around at the congregation of attendees; they were all military, which made sense since she hadn’t had any family but her crew since she was an orphan from Earth. There were a few who hadn’t been part of the Normandy, previous squad mates who had come to pay their respects but no one from her life before the Alliance. Joker was in a wheelchair, his face was blotchy and red the way human’s got when they cried. He was devastated that she had died to save him, it was a feeling Garrus could sympathize with but that sympathy hadn’t changed how he now felt about the pilot. If that stupid human hadn’t tried to save the Normandy his best friend wouldn’t be dead, she wouldn’t have been spaced._

_All Garrus felt towards Joker was unreasonable rage, he knew it was unfair but he also knew he would never be able to forgive the man for the death of Shepard. He was also angry at himself because he hadn’t been there, hadn’t been there to drag her ass into the escape pod with Joker; that the one time he hadn’t been on her six she had died, which was foolish. Shepard had been on plenty of missions without him and survived but none since he had joined the Normandy. He was angry at Kaidan too, for not dragging his girlfriend to a damned escape pod and for not being at her back. He was just so damned angry._

_Her standard team had been him and Wrex only bringing one of the others if a particular mission required it. Looking around the gathering he saw that Wrex was drunk, in his own way he had adored Shepard, and Garrus hadn’t known a Krogan could be so friendly before he had heard Shepard and Wrex banter together. Like Turians, Krogan didn’t have tear ducts but Wrex looked as grief stricken as it was possible for a Krogan to be._

_The casket had been empty, of course it was; no one had found or perhaps even tried to find her body. They had all been told that she had last been seen with her suit venting her oxygen and falling into the nearby planet along with the debris of the Normandy. It was probably for the best that there was no body, Garrus was positive no one could deal with seeing her torn up body, they were barely coping with an empty casket. **He** was barely dealing with an empty casket. The speeches were over, finally. He hadn’t been asked to give one and neither had Tali or Wrex, the three people at the funeral who had probably known her the best and not one of them had been asked to say anything on her behalf. Not that there was anything he could have said except maybe ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t at your six when you needed me’. _

_The line up to say farewells before the casket was lowered into the ground was heart breaking, he would never forget how that empty coffin looked; it had been polished dark wood with a pure white cushioned lining inside and filled with lilies. He couldn’t help but think she would have hated it. Purple and black, those were her colours. Dr Chakwas placed a bottle of brandy in with the flowers, Joker his favourite baseball hat, Wrex gave her his favourite shotgun and Kaidan, Kaidan he saw drop in a small delicate necklace. It wasn’t until it was his turn to hand over a farewell gift that he really got a good look at the tiny thing, it was silvery and fine, delicate. The pendant was in the shape of a heart with diamonds as decoration, Garrus couldn’t help shaking his head at the gift as he gentle placed his sniper rifle in next to Wrex’s shotgun._

_“What is that?” Tali asked him, peering around him to look in the casket, when he just looked at her she pointed to the necklace. Garrus looked around to make sure Kaidan was out of earshot before he answered._

_“Kaidan’s farewell gift. Probably a present he had been going to give her.” He answered the keen in his throat tinging with disgust._

_“But she hated Diamonds, why would he give her a diamond necklace.” She answered sounding confused in between her hiccupping and teary voice. They had been with her on the Citadel when a jeweller had tried to talk her into buying a diamond necklace, she had told the woman that she hated the ugly rocks and the look on the woman’s face had sent Tali into hysterical laughter. Shepard had muttered angrily about diamonds for hours after the encounter, listing everything she hated about them in great detail while Tali giggled endlessly._

_“I think we’re the only ones who know that Tali.” He told her before encouraging her to place her gift. Like Wrex, she too handed over her favourite shotgun mostly because being on her pilgrimage meant she didn’t have much in the way of worldly possessions. She had joined the Normandy’s crew with just her suit and her weapons. ‘Nothing but the clothes on her back’ as humans said._

_The rest of the service had been a blurry haze of regret and misery. She had barely been in the ground before the council had begun their smear job of her, sweeping the reapers under the proverbial rug as human’s liked to say. The Normandy’s crew had fallen apart, everyone was reassigned or went back to their homeworlds disgusted with the way she was being treated by the people she had saved. Garrus had barely lasted at C-Sec for a month after her death, the depression following the loss of his friend and the anger at the smear job ruined the Citadel for him. He had quit his job, had a massive fight with his father and disappeared, following a lead from local drug smugglers to Omega._

_One night sitting at the Afterlife lower bar trying to drown his grief and regret he had met another young Turian named Sidonis and decided drunkenly they had decided to form a squad to combat the criminals on Omega, against people like that Vorcha he had caught trying to smuggle an elderly couple off the station. She might not be around anymore but he knew without a doubt that she would have cleaned up Omega on her way to buy the latest ship models from the store. Would have taken out every single smuggling operation on the station and killed all three merc gangs after meeting that elderly couple. They had called him ‘a real life angel’._

_So that was what he had started doing, he couldn’t be a Spectre without her. He couldn’t stand his C-Sec job anymore after the freedom of red tape on the Normandy, it had been hard to go back and the only thing that had been keeping him going had been the dream of becoming a Spectre. Now that was gone too. He had said it as a joke once **‘there’s no Shepard without Vakarian’** but when he got the call about her death he had realised there was no **‘Vakarian without Shepard’** either. _

_Somehow he had gotten a team of eleven good men, men and women who were sick and tired of the merc bands ruling Omega how they wished, provided they didn’t cross Aria. Men and women, who were sick of the shake downs, the murders, kidnappings and rapes, who had wanted to protect their families and had seen Archangel as a way to do it. It had worked well enough for a long time, every time Garrus shot a merc and kept an innocent safe he had felt he was keeping her memory alive, making her proud but then he had been betrayed. Led out with a false lead by a man he had thought of as a friend, a man he had shared stories of his commander with, drank with, and ducked for cover with. He had come back to find all but one of his squad dead, the survivor had been so badly wounded she had survived just long enough to tell him what happened before she too had died, her wounds being out of his skill to fix. He had failed them, as he had failed her, as he had failed his father. At least, if nothing else he could apologise to his father for his actions before he died._

_Pinned down and sure he had been going to die, that he would finally join Shepard in whatever was waiting for people when they died, Garrus had decided to call his father, to call him and apologise for their fight, to say good bye. Over the sound of heavy gunfire, running on adrenalin he had called his father and apologised, apologised for always being such a hot head, for always being a disappointment and for running away from C-Sec._

_“Forget about it son. Finish up your target practice and come home. We’ll sort everything out and have a good long talk on Palaven.” His father had told him a slight keening to his subvocals, even without being told he understood the predicament Garrus was in. Garrus had been trying to think of a way to respond, trying to decide whether or not he would offer a comforting lie or come clean about how completely fucked he was when he saw black armour with a stripe of purple down the right arm walk straight through his line of fire on the far side of the barricade._

_No… it couldn’t be, he thought in disbelief zooming in on the figure. Blonde hair up in a high style called a bun, black armour with a purple stripe framed with white. Her favourite colour... the figure stopped for a moment in the middle of his line of sight on the far side of the wooden barrier and turned to look behind her, speaking to her dark skinned companion. Over her right breast Garrus could now clearly see N7 but more importantly he could see her face… Shepard. For just a moment he thought he had died before the sound of his father’s voice pulled him back and confirmed that he was still alive._

_“I’ll return home when I can, dad. The odds just got a hell of a lot better.” He told his father before hanging up, feeling more at ease than he had in the last two years. He had no idea how she could be alive, she had died. Burned up upon re-entry of the nearby planet, suffocated from vented oxygen, Joker had seen it and the grief and guilt he had seen in the other man had confirmed it had been true, that it wasn’t a cruel joke. It was impossible for her to be alive but at that moment Garrus didn’t care, if she was alive then nothing else mattered. She would get him out of this hell hole and help him avenge his squad. She was alive…_

 

_Images of her hair in that weird human style she had called a bun floated through his mind, along with flashes of purple. There was no way she was alive, he had gone to her funeral, had grieved for her and had grieved long past what was normally considered decent for a friend but she hadn’t just been his friend, she had been his best friend and the one person in the galaxy he had looked up to. Two years later and he had still been grieving for her. It had taken him a long time to come to terms with the fact that he had grieved so long, long past what was decent for a friend or even a best friend because he had been in love with her. He had loved a human and she had died before he could come to terms with his feelings. He wished he had died in her place._

 

She had died so if he was seeing her, had seen her then he too must be dead. Except as far as he knew being dead didn’t come with this much pain, which was the point, nothing hurt when you were dead and yet it felt like everything hurt. The whole right side of his face felt like it was going to fall off, like it was on fire and down his torso. It hurt to breathe, like breathing broken glass.

 

When he first opened his eyes it was a colossal effort, everything was blurry and his head was pounding. As his vision cleared a little he saw what he assumed was a silver ceiling, metal. On both his nine and three he could see a high curtain divider, that’s what they were called dividers. He must be in a med bay, how could he be in a med bay; he was supposed to be dead. He couldn’t suppress the groan of pain that struggled to escape him. There was a sudden noise outside the curtain wall, wheels on a hard steel floor.

 

“You’re awake earlier than I expected. How do you feel?” He remembered that voice, Dr Chakwas. She came into his view, coming up on his left to check the data pad apparently hanging at his side. “I didn’t expect you to burn through the anaesthetic so quickly and regain consciousness.”

 

“Where am I?” He asked feeling disorientated. Spirits, it hurt to talk. What in the hell had happened to him and how wasn’t he dead? Why was Chakwas here?

 

“You’re on the Normandy. The Commander brought you aboard after you were very badly injured. How are you feeling?” Her voice was low, lower than just the tone of a doctor trying to keep her med bay a quiet place. It was all too confusing, everything hurt and he felt like he had fallen behind on what was going on. Maybe it was a side effect of the medicine but he could have sworn she said he was on the Normandy and that Shepard had brought him there…

 

“The Normandy was destroyed and Shepard is dead.” He answered the grieved keen ringing out loudly in his subvocals. How could she not know that? She had gone to the same funeral he had, sat through the same impersonal speeches.

 

“Cerberus rebuilt her, both the Commander and the ship. Now keep your voice down or you’ll wake her up.” Chakwas told him with a gesture to his right side, her voice a light scolding but so very happy.

 

It hurt to turn his head but he did it anyway. It sent pulses of pain and burning down the right side of his neck, he would regret that later, the movement had probably set back the healing of whatever damage he had back a day or two. When he opened his eyes from his pained wince he saw her… Shepard. She was sitting in a chair at his bedside hunched forwards and asleep on her folded arms at the side of his med bay bed, not quite touching him but close enough that he could feel her body heat through the blanket. Her hair was loose and long, hanging over her shoulders and across his blankets, he could see small glowing red angry scars marring her cheek, could see the rise and fall of her chest as she slept. She looked tired. She looked beautiful, the best thing he had ever seen. If his arms hadn’t been trapped under the blanket he would have tried to reach out and touch her cheek, to feel that she was really live with his own hand.

 

Looking at her sleeping so peacefully brought back a flash of memory. ‘ _Stay with me Garrus!’ her anxious face covered in his blood as she screamed at him._ He had been shot by the gunship and hadn’t been able to get to cover fast enough to escape the rocket it fired, everything had gone black after that but he had heard her frantic voice, seen flashes of her distraught face covered in his blood and her tears. He had been injured and dying and she had been frantic; he never wanted to see her like that again. _Pressure against his forehead, her watery face was close to his, her forehead rubbing against his as a few drops of water fall towards him. “No Shepard without Vakarian. You’ll be fine Garrus; Dr Chakwas will fix you up. Everything will be fine, just stay with me.”_ She had given him a Turian kiss but she probably hadn’t known that, hadn’t known the deep meaning behind the gesture. 

 

“She’s really alive but how is that possible?” He asked his voice low enough not to wake her, disbelief in his subvocals as he tried to push the onslaught of memories back, it hadn’t been a dream. It didn’t seem possible that she was really alive but there she was sound asleep on the side of his bed, it looked like her plus a few extra weird scars. This woman smelt like Shepard and the woman he had fought beside back on Omega had acted like her, right down to the smallest twitch of her body language. But Cerberus, why would she be with Cerberus, Shepard hated them after she had seen all the cruel monstrous things they had done.

 

“I can’t tell you the details, you’ll have to ask the Commander but Cerberus rebuilt her. It cost them a pretty penny too from what I understand, 4 billion credit investment. Come on, I’ve answered enough of your questions, all you need to know that she is alive and it really is her.” Chakwas told him, the joy at having her friend back from the dead was evident in every line of the woman’s body.

 

The doctor disappeared from his sight for a few moments, he heard rustling in a nearby cabinet but he didn’t care enough to try and drag his eyes away from his sleeping Commander. She was alive. As quickly as she had been gone the doctor was back, this time he saw with a needle. Part of him didn’t want to go back to sleep, it wanted to stay awake until she woke so he could talk to her but the other part was tired and in pain.

 

“You need more rest, Garrus. You’ll be debriefed on the current mission when you’re feeling better.” She said as she gave him the shot of medicine. It didn’t take long for the pain to begin to ease away, making him drowsy. Spirits, he had missed her.


	4. Where will you be, when this is through?

Standing in the Communications room being brief by Jacob was not where she wanted to be, she wanted to be back in the med bay. Wow there was a thought she’d never thought she’d ever have, wanting to be in the med bay. Dr Chakwas had told her that Garrus had woken up while she had been asleep and she had missed her opportunity to talk to him in the few minutes he had been awake. She hated the idea of him waking up alone, it was something she had always hated and didn’t want her friend to ever suffer.

 

What she couldn’t understand was why he was briefing her on Garrus’s condition, like she hadn’t spent the night in med bay at her friend’s side. Of course Jacob probably didn’t know that and the Commander of the ship checking up on injured crew members and getting her briefing straight from the doctor, possibly wasn’t a system he had ever encountered before. She decided not to say anything and allow him to give his briefing, he would learn how she ran her ship eventually and she didn’t have the energy to explain it to him today.

 

“Commander, we’ve done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit. The doc’s corrected with surgical procedures and cybernetics. Best we can tell he’ll have full functionality but…” Jacob informed her before a door opening behind her cut him off, mid speech.

 

“Shepard” The door opened and Garrus walked in. The right side of his face was as heavily scarred as his armour, the burns covering what she could see of his mandible, his mouth plate and up around his eye. It was a miracle he hadn’t lost his eye. Half way across his mandible, over his cheek and down his neck was a heavy skin graft bandage.

 

“Tough son of a bitch. I didn’t think he’d be up yet.” Jacob exclaimed as she turned to face her friend unable to keep the smile off her face. She knew he shouldn’t be up yet and that down on the crew deck would be an angry Dr Chakwas but she didn’t care. Nothing would have truly convinced her that he was alright until he was up and escaping the med bay.

 

“Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?” He joked coming into the room to stand in front of her. Two could play this game, just like old times.

 

“Hell Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap some face paint on it and no one will even notice.” She joked back. Seeing his scars and knowing that it was her lapse in judgement that caused them hurt but he was alive and joking with her and in the end that was probably all that mattered. He laughed, the first heart felt laugh she had heard out of him.

 

“Ugh, oh don’t make me laugh. Damn it my face is barely holding together as it is” He complained his amusement still in his voice. “Some women find facial scars attractive.” He purred taking a step forwards. “Mind you, most of those women are Krogan.”

 

Typical Garrus, barely out of the med bay and already flirting, she thought shaking her head at his humour. She barely registered Jacobs salute before he walked out of the comm room to give them some privacy. 

 

“Should you be out of the med bay?” obviously the answer was a resounding _no, he shouldn’t be_ but she had to ask.

 

“The doctor and I came to an arrangement.” He said innocently. That meant Chakwas knew she couldn’t stop him and he had given her no choice.

 

“Uhuh” Shepard grumbled. She would go down and talk to the doctor about it later, find out what duties he could do since there was no way in hell he would share that with her.

 

“Frankly I’m more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard? You remember those sick experiments they were doing?” Well that explained why he had dragged himself out of his bed so quick, she couldn’t really blame him for that, if it was the other way around she would have done the same damned thing. Like either of them could ever forget the things they had found in all those Cerberus bases, the sick experiments.

 

“That’s why I’m glad you’re here Garrus. If I‘m walking into hell I want someone I trust at my side.” It was selfish but if she was to stop the Collectors she needed his help, needed someone who wasn’t with Cerberus on her ground team with her, watching her six. She needed someone on this ship that wasn’t singing Cerberus’s praises, someone who distrusted them as she did and knew they were going to betray her. She needed Garrus and Kaidan to help her complete this mission, to be at her back so that it didn’t turn into the suicide mission the Illusive Man suggested it was going to be.

 

“You realise this plan has me walking into hell too? Hmm, just like old times” he didn’t sound annoyed by that fact at all. “I’m fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I’ll settle in and see what I can do with the forward battery.”

 

She let him go, it was probably best to give him a little time to settle in before she asked him for that story he promised her. She needed a chance to talk to Dr Chakwas about his condition and talk to Gardiner about the dextro rations on board. She would probably need to buy supplies before she went to collect Mordin; it was hard to imagine that Cerberus would have stocked the ship with dextro food.

 

The SR-2 Normandy had no dextro rations on board, damned xenophobes. Omega was so dangerous she was unwilling to send anyone to go and buy them in case they got abducted or robbed…or murdered. She would go in an hour or so to pick something up for him herself and since she didn’t know anything about dextro food she would need to bring him with her.

 

__________________

 

 

The main battery was down the hall with the sleeper pods on either side, no matter what ship she was stationed on she had always thought the rows of sleeper pods were creepy. Probably all those horror movies she had seen. The door at the end of the hall was unlocked and it opened when she approached. Garrus turned at the sound, his mandibles flicked slightly in a small smile of greeting.

 

The room was small, occupied by a small console and a footlocker. Past the safety railing behind him were the ships guns, illuminated by a soft red light. She knew they would need to get him a Turian style military cot since he would take to sleeping in here.  It was time for him to tell her how he had gotten himself into that mess back on Omega.

 

“Have you got a minute?” she asked unsure how to start such a conversation. It was strange, things had been easy between them before but all of a sudden she felt nervous.

 

“Sure, just checking the weapons systems. You can never be too careful. I thought I’d seen every weapon in the galaxy in our fight against Saren. Mercenary work showed me otherwise. And now Cerberus rebuilds the Normandy with a few upgrades to boot, wish we’d joined up with them sooner.” He told her, turning to face her as walked around him to lean on the safety rail.

 

“We haven’t joined Cerberus. They’re funding out mission, that’s all.” She hadn’t meant to snap at him, her voice came out harsher than she intended. She hated having to work with Cerberus, even if it was for the right reasons. Even if they had spent a fortune rebuilding her, she owed them nothing.

 

He winced slightly at her tone, realising that he had hit a nerve. “Relax, Shepard, just a figure of speech. I can’t exactly doubt your judgement, not after I got my own squad killed.” It broke her heart the way he hung his head in shame at the mention of his squad. Whatever had happened, it had shaken his confidence in his leadership abilities.

 

“How did you end up fighting mercenaries here on Omega?” it was the closest she would allow herself to come to demanding to know why he was at the ass end of the galaxy.

 

“I went back to C-Sec, but with all the rebuilding at the Citadel, there was too much chaos for me to really help.” He told her shaking his head. She got the feeling that wasn’t the whole story but if he wasn’t ready to talk about the intimate details she couldn’t force him. “Omega was filled with criminals no one else could touch, and there was no red tape to slow me down. It was a perfect fit. People here needed someone to believe in, someone to stand up to the local thugs.”  There so was much he wasn’t telling her, his hatred of red tape wouldn’t have brought him here.

 

“That explains how you started. How’d you end up with a squad?”  She asked. She had an idea, Garrus was charismatic and a natural leader, it would have been easy for him to get together people who wanted the same thing, but she wanted to hear him tell it.

 

“Not to different from how you formed your squad to fight Saren, actually. You prove to people you get things done, and people join up. Merc who wanted to atone, security consultants tired of playing by the rules. I gave them hope.” He told her, pacing slightly as he explained the motives behind some of his squad before his shoulders slumped. “And now they’re dead. Shows what I know.” So much self-doubt and guilt, she would give anything to hold him and make it go away but grief and guilt didn’t work that way, he had to work through it.

 

“Tell me about your squad?” she asked wanting to know what happened to them and what kind of people he had brought together.

 

“There were twelve of us, including me; former military operatives, C-Sec agents, the usual. Had a Salarian explosives expert, pretty sure he’d spent time in the Special Tasks Group. My tech expert was a Batarian, believe it or not. Not the friendliest guy, but he could hack any system ever built.” She could hear the pride he had in his squad, and hear how close he had been to them. No wonder the guilt was tearing him apart.

 

“What did your merc squad do? It didn’t sound like you were available for hire.” She asked, changing the topic. She would ask him for stories about his squad later; she knew from experience that talking about them any more than he was now would hurt too much. The wound was just too raw for him right now.

 

“You saw Omega… it was full of thugs kicking the helpless. I formed my team to kick back. We weren’t mercenaries; at least nobody was paying us. We made money by taking down slavers, pirates or gangs that went too far.” That was a slippery slope to be on.

 

“It doesn’t sound like you made any friends with the gangs.” She said as she mulled over the information he had just given her.

 

“I got three separate merc bands to work together to take me down. My old C-Sec manager would be impressed. It was simple. We’d hit their shipments, disrupt activities. Get under their skin, make them angry. They’d come charging into our well prepared kill zone. Crossfire and snipers, clean and surgical; they never stood a chance.”

 

Forget slippery, he had been on rapidly sinking moral ground but she felt she couldn’t really blame him for taking justice to such an extreme on a place like Omega. “Sounds like you were just another gang” she couldn’t help stating with disapproval.

 

He looked ashamed of himself. “Then I’m saying it wrong. We didn’t shake anyone down, no civilian casualties. That was our rule. Every member of my team had lost someone to Omega’s gangs. We weren’t out to get rich. We were out to make those bastards think twice before murdering someone in the streets.” She decided to let the matter drop, picking apart his judgment wouldn’t help him and it wasn’t like she couldn’t understand where he was coming from, she just felt that he had been going about it the wrong way. One day he would be a great leader but he wouldn’t get there if she picked apart his mistakes like a vulture and made him doubt himself even more.

 

Now it was time for the painful question. “How did those mercenary gangs take down your team?”

 

His shoulders immediately slumped again. “It was my own damned fault. One of my people betrayed me.” He began to walk out of the room, forcing her to follow him out into the sleeper pod hallway. “A Turian named Sidonis. Drew me away right before the mercs attacked my squad, and then he disappeared. Everyone except me is dead because of him, and because I didn’t see it coming.”

 

That explained the smouldering rage and guilt, why he doubted his judgment to the point where he felt he couldn’t doubt hers. Sidonis had been his friend and he had trusted him. That was a brutal lesson to learn, one she wouldn’t wish on anyone.

 

“I’m not sure I understand. What happened exactly?” the question sounded stupid even to her own ears but she wanted to hear how he had been lured away. Part of her, the part that didn’t want her friend to suffer from the scars of betrayal, wanted it to just be a misunderstanding. 

 

“Sidonis asked for my help on a job. When I got to the meeting point nobody was there. By the time I got back to our hide out, the mercs had killed all but two of my squad and they didn’t last long.” Just long enough for you to have to watch them die, she cringed internally at that.

 

“You sure it was a betrayal? Maybe they took Sidonis out first.” Unlikely since he had lured Garrus away but she felt she had to ask. The question was, why bother leading Garrus away at all. Surely in an ambush he wouldn’t have been able to do much to save his squad; surely he would have just died as well. She would probably never tell him this, it was something he would have to realise for himself but it sounded like Sidonis had tried to save him. Figuring he could only save one person, he had chosen to save Garrus.

 

“No. I put out feelers with some old contacts. He booked transport off Omega just before the attack. He also cleared out his private accounts before he left. He sold me out and ran.” She still couldn’t shake the feeling that he had tried to save Garrus but the man had still left him with some deep emotional scars, which couldn’t be forgiven by her and would need to be resolved before he could move on. She would find out what kind of person he was before she made her judgment.

 

“Do you know where Sidonis is now?” She asked knowing that if he didn’t yet he would soon. There was probably nowhere in the galaxy Sidonis could go to escape this pissed off Garrus.

 

“No, his trail vanishes after he leaves Omega. But I’ll keep hunting. I lost my whole team, except for Sidonis. One day I’ll find him…and correct that.” He growled she could hear it in his subvocals. Hear the hatred and the anger he was carrying. There was the price he had paid for his vigilante work on Omega, for working outside of the law and with a group of people harbouring a grudge. They had killed the mercs of Omega out of vengeance not justice, and if he kept that cycle up he would probably never stop. “Thanks for coming by, Shepard. I’ve got some things to take care of.” He continued shutting her out and walking past her back into the main battery.

 

The door closed behind him, leaving her alone in the creepy hallway staring at the green unlocked symbol. She had no idea how she was going to help him or if she even could, Garrus had always been a hot head, but his heart had always been in the right place but unfortunately the last two years had obviously made his hot headedness worse ever. 


	5. Somewhere the wires got crossed.

Shepard gave him an hour to calm down before she sent the order for him to meet her at the cockpit, along with Miranda. The cockpit of the new Normandy was a hell of a lot bigger than the original, just one more thing they had changed about her ship. It had room for a co-pilot now, which Joker would never allow given that he was barely tolerating EDI. Sometimes he wasn’t even tolerating her; they bickered like an old married couple.

 

They were arguing when she came up to wait for her ground squad. “What’s going on up here, Joker?” she asked with a tone to her voice that was beginning to sound suspiciously like the tone a mother might use on her unruly children.

 

“EDI and I were just having an argument over personalization of the workspace.” He told her nonchalantly like it was nothing.

 

“Cerberus regulations are clear, Mr Moreau. Personalization does not include grease on my bridge cameras.” EDI informed him sounding vexed. Joker was tormenting her again, well maybe tormenting was the wrong word, annoying her again on purpose.

 

“It’s just mad that all its footage of me looks like a dream sequence.” He laughed, clearly enjoying his prank.

 

“I’m sure, she’ll get you back.” Shepard said shaking her head; they had to come to some sort of truce themselves.

 

“You know, two years and everything hits the crapper. That’ll teach you to die on me.” He suddenly joked after a few minutes of silence. She knew he felt guilty that she had died, it was the main reason he had joined Cerberus, for her. She didn’t hold it against him, it had been hard to watch the as the Normandy burned all around them, she had chosen to save him because she hadn’t wanted him to die especially for something as replaceable as a ship. No one could have predicted that the last blast from the attacking ship would have forced her away from the pod.

 

“You little shit. She wouldn’t have died if you had just gotten to your escape pod when you were ordered to.” Garrus’s flanged voice was a vicious snarl from behind her. She watched as Joker’s face fell, his previously happy joking face replaced by a look of pained guilt. 

 

“You’re not being fair, Garrus. My death was the result of the ship that attacked us.” She rounded on Garrus, defending Joker. She had spent the last week trying to rebuild her friendship with Joker, which was hard to do when he was tormenting himself over her death. It wasn’t his fault; she would have gone to save any of her crew, gladly died to save any of them. They had been her family.

 

“If he had gotten to his pod when ordered you wouldn’t have had to go back for him.” Garrus continued still snarling. He looked intimidating, his mandibles flared aggressively and his subvocals growling in menace.

 

“He’s right, Commander.” Joker added bleakly.

 

“Shut up, Joker. I would have gone back to try and save the rest of the crew, even if you had gone to the pod. I would have checked for survivors and still been spaced.” She growled, at Joker for continuing to blame himself for her death and at Garrus for being insensitive. Behind him she could see Miranda coming out of the Lift and into the CIC, she needed to talk to Garrus about this before they did anything else. That he blamed Joker for her death was unacceptable.

 

Turning back to Joker she leant down and kissed his scratchy cheek. “It wasn’t your fault, and I will keep telling you that until you get it through your thick skull.” She told him quietly, it looked like he didn’t believe her but he didn’t argue. She stood and turned back to Garrus and glared at him. “I want to talk to you privately for a moment outside.” She ordered angrily.

 

He nodded and stalked out the doors of the Normandy just as Miranda came into the cockpit. “Is there a problem Commander?” she asked quietly. She would have had to have been blind to not see the tension in the room as she crossed the CIC.

 

“Yes, I need to talk to Garrus alone for a minute.” She informed her XO trying to keep the anger out of her voice.

 

“Of course, Commander.” She said looking between Shepard and the exit. No doubt she would grill Joker about the problem the second Shepard was out of earshot.

 

Garrus was waiting on the wall opposite of the Normandy, he looked agitated and angry. When she stepped out into the dingy docking bay of Omega he pushed off the wall and took a few steps towards her. “You wouldn’t have died, if he had just gone to his escape pod, Shepard. How can you even stand to have him on the ship?” He growled out going on the offensive.

 

She took a deep breath to calm her temper. “Joker is not the reason I died, Garrus. It was that ship that attacked us and as to why he’s on the ship, he’s my friend.” She told him, trying to explain what she could remember from the attack. 

 

“But if he had just gotten to the pod when you ordered it…” he began before she cut him off.

 

“You know I would have gone back to try and save my crew, even if Joker had followed orders. He joined Cerberus because of me, because he felt guilty that I died and wanted to be there for me when they brought me back; he was there sometimes in the room where they built me, reading to me so I wasn’t alone. I don’t remember much, a flash of Miranda’s face and a few snippets of Joker’s voice but he was there. He was the first face I knew I could trust when I woke up.” She pleaded. Jacob had let slip that Joker had visited her every day for nearly two years, when he had seen her standing in the CIC watching Joker, she would never tell Joker that she knew or that she remembered him reading to her. It would embarrass him. 

 

“You remember things from when they rebuilt you?” he asked, startled and clearly unhappy about that.

 

“Like I said, a few flashes. I regained consciousness once, all I remember from that is pain and Miranda telling Wilson to sedate me.” The memory of Miranda’s voice and face was the only thing that had convinced her to obey the voice calling to her when she woke up in the facility. She remembered nothing of what Joker read to her, just that she had heard his voice. Garrus looked to be thinking over that piece of information, it made him visibly unhappy and she could hear a feint keening noise in the back of his throat.

 

“But he…” he began before she came forwards and put her hand on his chest to silence him.

 

“It’s. Not. His. Fault.” She stated, punctuating each word. “You need to forgive him, Garrus. He doesn’t deserve this and you need to forgive yourself too.” It was easy to figure out that Garrus had a case of survivor’s guilt just like Joker did; no doubt her silly friend had spent the last two years beating himself up about not being on the ship with her when it happened. His mandibles slackened at her words and the keening in his subvocals increased, she could feel the vibrations in his chest.

 

“If I had just been there, Shepard…” he began. She silenced him with a hand to his undamaged mandible. She had never touched his mandible before, the plating was smooth against her fingers like bone and she could see all the ridges and depressions. She wanted to stroke her fingers along it, to feel all the different textures of the plating under her finger tips but she felt that would step beyond the barriers of friends, that it would be an intimacy that would classify as unfaithful to Kaidan and unfair to Garrus. No matter how annoyed she had been getting with Kaidan’s selfishness and how he blamed her for Ash’s death, they had still been together when she died and she still had feelings for him, and some building resentment. She hoped that maybe this time they could work things out even though part of her knew that if she hadn’t died they would have likely broken up by now.

 

“Then we would have both died and I wouldn’t have you on my six now. Where would I be then?” She told him gently. He would have followed her to save Joker and then they would have both been dead, only she would have been brought back. She didn’t want him to think like that, didn’t want Joker to think like that either. He gave a weak chuckle, his mandible twitching out in a small smile against her hand.

 

“Probably having a nervous breakdown, you know those bastards are going to try and kill you when this is over right Shepard?” He joked half seriously. Cheeky bastard liked to think he was indispensible to her; worst part was he was right but she wasn’t going to admit that to him.

 

“No Shepard without Vakarian, right? I want you to talk to Joker when we get back and apologise to him.” She told him, gently stepping back out of his personal space. She was pleased to hear that his keening had stopped.

 

“Alright, Shepard but I can’t promise we’ll ever be friends again.” He huffed out, shaking his head a little. She knew he would do as she asked, their relationship would take a long time to heal, a long time for the trust to form again but maybe one day they would trade quips again like they used to.

 

Knowing she had won and now she needed to drop the matter she patched into the Normandy. “EDI, can you tell Miranda we’re finished please?”

 

“Yes, Commander. XO Lawson is currently on her way. Logging you out.” For once the AI’s voice was professional and emotionless although she was probably having another disagreement with Joker about the grease on her cameras.

______________________

 

The first time Garrus coughed in the plague ward, Shepard felt her blood turn to ice. They had been in the quarantine zone for barely an hour, if that and he was already complaining that it was hot and then he coughed. She should never have allowed him to come but when he had pulled her away and insisted, assuring her that _a little cough_ wasn’t going to keep him back, she had backed down because she knew she would be safer with him at her back. Now it looked like her selfishness was going to get him killed.

 

“Dr Chakwas is going to kill me.” She groaned out loud, it was a lame joke in an attempt to calm herself. He would be fine, they would get him to the Salarian doctor and he would be fine, she repeated in her mind.

 

“I won’t tell her if you don’t.” he laughed from behind her; she could already hear in his flanged voice that he wasn’t feeling well. How long did that Turian say this thing took to kill, a week? Sweet god she hoped so, she didn’t know much about diseases and mutation but if this thing had mutated in Turians so that it killed in hours, she would never forgive herself. Maybe he was just getting sick quicker because of the damage his body had already sustained, a wave of guilt swamped her at the thought. God, she was such an idiot.

 

“Miranda, if you want me alive to fight the Collectors, don’t tell Dr Chakwas that I let Garrus get plague.” She jokingly told Miranda who just rolled her eyes. Maybe if she kept joking about it, no one would actually realise how afraid she was. For a moment she let herself believe that before Garrus spoilt it but placing a hand on her shoulder.

 

“I’ll be alright, Shepard. I survived your damned MAKO driving and I can damned well survive this. I’ll get the cure when we cure the whole district.” He told her gently, making her laugh.

 

“I never once nearly killed us with the MAKO, you were all just babies.” She informed him coldly. The sooner they got to Mordin the happier she would be.

 

“You made Wrex throw up, Shepard.” He pointed out, amusement thrilling in his subvocals as they continued through the slums.

 

“Wrex was just being a baby; it wasn’t even a high mountain.” She would never understand what they were all complaining about. The MAKO had been fun and it was something she missed on the new Normandy.

 

“You made a Krogan throw up, Shepard. They should give you a medal for that kind of achievement.” He taunted. She knew he was just doing this to keep her mind off him being sick but she had missed their old bantering. “So, Miranda the story is. I can’t remember which planet we were on, it kind of just became a blur of screaming but the _Commander_ here thought it would be fun to roll the MAKO down the side of a mountain.” 

 

“Hey, hey! I hit a rock, it was not my fault. You know that thing handled like a drunken elcor on red sand. I never saw you do any better.” She laughed, that hadn’t been her finest moment.

 

“Right. What about the time on Therum you got us lodged vertically against a pole in a Geth compound?”

 

“How was I supposed to know it would do that?” she cried indignant. The MAKO’s shitty handling was not her fault. 

 

“You had to call the Normandy to dislodge us AND that wasn’t the only time it happened. There was that time on Virmire when you lodged us vertically between a pole and the cliff face. How you even got that tank to fit in there I’ll never know.”

 

“Hey, I got us out of that one. Anyway you had your hands on the wheel for five seconds, hit a rock and flipped us off a cliff. We landed right next to a river of lava. So I didn’t see you doing any better, Vakarian.” She accused him as they rounded a corner into a group of Blue Suns. They had fortified themselves behind a wooden barricade similar to the one that had been built when she found Garrus. 

 

“You’re the one who got the damned thing stuck on a Geth Colossus!” He retaliated as he shot one of the mercs in the head, still bitter about not having out done her behind the wheel. He hadn’t spoken to her for an hour after she went into a hysterical fit of laughter at him, just sat in the passenger seat with his arms crossed like a sulky child.

 

“ _That_ was Tali.” They had gotten stuck again seconds after she had gotten them unstuck because the silly woman had decided to reverse of the corpse, just because.

 

“Oh yeah…she used to giggle too when she did that too, like some kind of manic serial killer.” He rumbled fondly.

 

“Can you two shut up and pay attention, please.” Miranda called angrily from behind a garden.

 

“Please, Miranda. While I can’t speak for Garrus, I can kill mercs and call him on his bullshit.” She called purely to get a rise out of him.

 

“Spare me, Shepard. We both know I’m the better shot here; your style is spray and pray. You couldn’t hit the broad side of a Krogan with the accuracy on that SMG.” He yelled, ducking from behind cover to kill the last merc who had run from behind the barricade shooting at her Combat Drone.

 

“Nothing wrong with putting a little lead in the air to see what falls over, Garrus.” She told him not even trying to defend her sniping abilities, let him keep thinking he was the better shot if it made him happy.

 

She took a moment to take in their surroundings. The hallway was huge, a few tables and chairs indicated it had once been a communal dining area and she could see a few vending machines on the wall to her left. Not far from a flaming garden she knew was filled with burning bodies, was a locked door while directly across form it was the hallway that led further into the slums. “Let’s see if anyone is alive in there before we continue on.” She told them as they caught up with her.

 

She couldn’t understand why everyone was so afraid of Mordin, the guy was a doctor and it sounded like as long as you weren’t pointing a gun to his head you were perfectly safe. Yet here were two more people who were too afraid of Mordin and his reputation to go and seek help at his clinic. In the end she had to persuade them to head for the safety of the clinic before they got killed due to their own stubbornness.

 

Before she left the safety of the apartment, Shepard put a hand to the undamaged side of Garrus’s neck and frowned. It was burning hot and a little damper than it should have been. He was already running a fever and they hadn’t even been here for three hours. Why hadn’t she dragged his plated ass back to the ship? He was dying, again.

 

“I’m fine, Shepard.” He told her, reaching up and pulling her hand away from his neck so that she could no longer feel his temperature. She could barely hear the comforting coo in his subvocals as he tried to comfort her distress without words.

 

“Come on. Let’s get you to the clinic.” She told him giving his hand a quick squeeze before walking past him to the door. They had to clear a path for these two so they could get to the clinic safely, and the sooner she did that she sooner the Salarian could help Garrus.

 

Vorcha had taken up residence in the hall way just outside the clinic, most likely to keep the sick from getting the help they needed. If the Vorcha were the ones who were spreading the plague, and she had yet to see evidence that they weren’t, it would make sense that they didn’t want anyone to get to the clinic.

_________________________

 

Her relief when Mordin waved his Omni-tool over Garrus, bathing the stubborn Turian in a yellow light before proclaiming. _“Turian physiology resilient with simple immunobooster. Should be fine now.”_ nearly floored her. He would be fine now; she hadn’t nearly gotten her friend killed for the second time in two days.

 

“Now, to greetings, human. Don’t recognise you from area. Too well armed to be refugees. No Mercenary uniform, Quarantine still in effect. Here for something else. Vorcha? Here to clean them out? Unlikely. Vorcha, symptom not a cause.” The strange Salarian rattled off at a hundred miles a second walking over to his terminal to look up something. Holy shit, it was like this guy was on crack AND coffee. 

 

He continued a second after his pause, not letting her get a word in edge ways. “The plague? Investigating possible use as bio-weapon? No. Too many guns, not enough date equipment. Soldier not a scientist. Yes, yes. Hired guns, maybe? Looking for someone?” she ended up just cutting him off.

 

“Relax, Mordin. I’m Commander Shepard, and I came here to find you. I’m on a critical mission and I need your help.” She said habit nearly made her say _I’m Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy_ , but she wasn’t with the navy anymore. It was going to take her years to remove the stigma of her forced association with them.

 

He looked surprised. “Mission? What mission? No, too busy. Clinic understaffed. Plague spreading too fast. Who sent you?” At least this time he stopped so she could answer his question.

 

“Ever heard of an organisation called Cerberus?” she asked, knowing he couldn’t have heard anything good about them.

 

“Crossed paths on occasion. Thought they only worked with Humans.” He told her, his voice changing to dislike. Yep, good old Cerberus PR right there. “Turian involvement surprising. Racial tension with Humans. Unlikely to help Human-centric organisation.” He continued looking at Garrus who was standing behind her with his arms crossed.

 

She had never had racial tension with Garrus; oh they had been a little wary of each other when they first met. Neither knowing how the other felt and if they harboured a useless prejudice but their first real conversation had cleared that up. The only thing between them had always been a slightly sexual undercurrent, something Shepard had mostly blamed on the small crush she had always had for him, something her rocky relationship with Kaidan hadn’t been able to dislodge. It was just one sided though, her side.

 

“This mission reaches far beyond mere Human interests, Professor. We all have to work _together_ to take down the Collectors.” Garrus informed him, stressing the word _together_ slightly, for the first time since he coughed she was glad he came along. Cerberus might be a bunch of xenophobic assholes but with Garrus next to her she might be able to still convince people to help them.

 

“Collectors? Interesting. Plague hitting these slums is engineered. Collectors one of few groups with technology to design it. Our goals may be similar.” He pondered before walking back to his computer terminal. “But must stop plague first. Already have a cure. Need to distribute it at environmental control centre. Vorcha guarding it. Need to kill them.” Of course, why wouldn’t this be simple but at least distributing it through the enviro control centre would cure Garrus too, just in case that immunobooster wasn’t going to do the job.

 

“I’ll get in and deal with the Vorcha.” No sooner had the words left her mouth, when the environmental fans that cycled oxygen around this part of the station shut off. Why was nothing ever easy?

 

“That wasn’t a good noise.” Garrus stated coming up beside her and looking up at the fan in the ceiling.

 

“Observant as always, Garrus.” She told him sarcastically. Great, now they had a deadline before the whole ward suffocated because apparently the plague wasn’t killing people fast enough.

 

“It may surprise you, Shepard but I was a detective at C-Sec.” He smirked at her; she rolled her eyes at him. For a moment she could have sworn she heard Miranda groan or at least sigh heavily.

 

“Vorcha had shut down environmental systems. Trying to kill everyone. Need to get power back on before district suffocates. Here, take plague cure. Also, bonus in good faith. Weapon from dead Blue Sun’s merc. May come in handy against Vorcha. One more thing. Daniel. One of my assistants went into Vorcha territory. Looking for victims. Hasn’t come back.” Mordin rattled off handing her the weapon. Just what she would never use, a new pistol, it was a nice gesture though.

 

“If I see him, I’ll do what I can to help.” He did look worried about his assistant.

 

“Thank you. Told him not to go. But he’s smart. Bright future, I hope.” Mordin rattled off relieved.

 

“I found a Batarian plague victim near the entrance to the neighbourhood. Can you send someone to help him?” She informed him, remembering the promise she had made a few hours ago. If he was still alive he deserved help, maybe it would help with his prejudice against humans too, being saved by one.

 

“Hmm, risky. Blue Suns, Vorcha still battling. District not secure. See what I can do.” For a moment it had sounded like he had been going to refuse and felt relieved when he agreed and nodded.

 

“Let’s head for the environmental plant.” She told her squad. The sooner they got this done the sooner they could go, she might even stop at Afterlife for a _‘my day really sucked’_ drink before heading back to the Normandy.

 

“See, Shepard. I told you I would be fine.” Garrus joked as she left the room. Smart ass. It didn’t really make her feel better though.

 

“I know, but I still shouldn’t have brought you. That was a mistake on my part.” Another mistake on her part, but now wasn’t the time to bring that up.

 

“I wanted to come, Shepard. I can’t watch your back if you leave me on the Normandy because I might stub my toe.” He growled, pulling her to a halt in the hall way before they got to the room filled with patients.

 

“You took a rocket to the face, Garrus and I wouldn’t call getting a plague that would have killed you in a matter of days stubbing your toe either.” She growled back, now wasn’t the time to fight about this but she couldn’t help it. Normally she coped better than this but in between waking up two years later and fucking up so bad she nearly got her friend killed her stress levels were higher than they had been since the Blitz. It didn’t help that she was having trouble sleeping on top of everything.

 

“ _That’s_ what this is about?” He growled sounding surprised before shaking his head, whether it was at her stupidity or his for not noticing his injury was bothering her she didn’t know. “Let’s get this done and we’ll talk about the fact that I tried to block a rocket with my face when we get back onto the Normandy. Even if I did get a little cough, I’m fine now, you can stop worrying. I wanted to come and my being here helped convince the doctor that not everyone in Cerberus is a xenophobic asshole.” 

 

“That’s true. I doubt he would have agreed so quickly if I had brought Jacob or Zaeed.” She agreed. Particularly if she had brought Zaeed, they hadn’t really had a chance to talk but it sounded like he lacked interpersonal skills and he also wouldn’t talk trash about his employer.

 

“See? Totally worth it, now stop worrying. When we get back to the Normandy we’re going to talk about my face and then the doctor is going to give you something to help you sleep. You only worry like this when you don’t sleep for a few days.” His comforting cooing rumble was back.

 

“How do you know I’m not sleeping?” she couldn’t help but ask, no one but EDI should know that and only because she knew everything that happened or didn’t happen on the ship.

 

“Shepard, I travelled with you on the Normandy for nearly a year when we fought Saren, I know how you get when you don’t sleep. You also fell asleep in the med bay, which was a huge give away since you only do that when you’re exhausted to breaking point or sedated.” Garrus told her like it was an obvious thing to know about someone.

 

“Why aren’t you sleeping, Shepard?” Miranda asked, no longer content to just listen to their conversation in silence.

 

“I have trouble getting to sleep because of the windows in the cabin and I’m not sure why I’m having trouble staying asleep.” She explained knowing there was no way out of this conversation now that it had been brought up.

 

“You put windows in her cabin? Who in the hell decided that was a good idea?” Garrus snapped at Miranda. Obviously she hadn’t been the only one who thought that was an insensitive thing to do to someone who had been spaced.

 

“They’re solid, under direct attack all the windows on the Normandy will automatically close.” Miranda tried to explain, missing the issue. That was the same explanation EDI had given her when she had pointed out that windows on a ship were a structural weakness, except that EDI had explained what kind of glass it was and how thick it was.

 

“She got spaced! It doesn’t matter if they’re solid.” He growled out protectively before turning to her. “We’ll cover them up. Hell, we’ll paint over them if necessary and Dr Chakwas will be able to help you with your nightmares. Alright?” It wasn’t really a question but she nodded anyway.

 

“Chakwas and I will have a look at your implants when we get back, they may need some minor adjustments.” Miranda told her calmly, with the same detachment you might use to tell someone they just needed new shoes or their Omni-tool just needed an upgrade.

 

“Why wasn’t that already done? How could you let her walk around with incorrectly calibrated implants for nearly two weeks?” Garrus questioned, his subvocals dropping back down to an angry rumble.

 

“It’s not Miranda’s fault. I got woken up before they were ready; it’s why I still have some scarring.” Shepard told him, defending her XO against her angry friend.

 

“When we’re back on the Normandy you’re telling me that story too.” He sighed, content to just shoot a withering glare at Miranda but say no more about it.

 

“Come on; let’s go before the whole district suffocates.” She huffed as she turned on her heel to head out of the clinic. They had Vorcha to kill and places to go, besides if she let him he would possibly stand there and bicker with Miranda until the reapers were upon them.

 

____________________________

 

She hadn’t gotten her _‘my day was shit’_ drink at Lower Afterlife, which was probably a good thing since neither she nor Miranda were in any kind of state to be seen after they had injected the plague cure into the environmental control system. The high velocity of the fans had ripped her hair from its bun within seconds of turning them on, causing her long blonde hair to fly in her face obstructing her view and getting filled with god only knew what. The consolation prize was Miranda hadn’t looked any better.

 

“That’s a look to scare baby Krogan” Garrus had laughed at them after they had killed the last of the vermin.

 

“Laugh it up big guy. I have plenty of rockets.” She growled at him, picking a strap piece of garbage from her hair. It probably looks like a birds nest, she thought annoyed. Ugh she felt disgusting.

 

Mordin was going to meet them on the Normandy after he had tied up all his loose ends at the clinic, she could understand that; she was dragging him away from his home to go on a mission with her. Normally she would have stayed to help out but not this time; her priories had shifted drastically in the last twenty minutes and were now: shower, which she suspected she might actually kill for, med bay, talk with Garrus, debriefing and then sleep. Or sleep then debriefing, that depended on how long it took Mordin to finish up at his clinic and get to the Normandy.

 

“Whoa, Commander! What happened to you? You look like you got dragged through a bush backwards and mugged. You still have your shoes though, that’s a good sign.” Joker laughed as she entered the Normandy.

 

“Shut up, Joker. I will shoot you. Call me when Mordin Solus is aboard and then set a course to the Citadel.” She snapped as she watched Miranda stalk away to the lift.

 

“Ouch, she bites.” Joker complained before saluting when she turned back to glare at him “Aye, aye, Commander.”

 

She stalked off towards the lift; from behind her she could hear Garrus tell Joker that she had threatened him with another rocket to the face when he had laughed at the state of her fringe. She smiled when she heard Joker tell him that human women could be scary like that, she would never admit it but if her current state was an ice breaker between the two of them then it was almost worth it, almost. After she was clean it would be worth it.

 

“Where do you think you’re going Shepard? You need to go to the med bay.” Garrus informed her as he stopped the lift from closing. 

 

She heaved a heavy sigh; he meant well and was only worried about her. She was his friend of course he was worried but all she wanted was a shower before she even considered dealing with anything else. There was being combat dirty and then there was being covered head to toe in slum dust and garbage. “Shower first. You should have one too, then we’ll go to the med bay.” She informed him, the shower first thing was non-negotiable. That wound would need to be cleaned now, she thought as she looked him over.

 

“Alright, Shepard but that doesn’t mean you’re getting out of having your implants checked.” He told her offering her a slight smile. She hadn’t expected him to forget about that.


	6. The Scars I used to have verses the scars I have now.

Her shower was everything she had hoped it would be, she thought humming in pleasure as she scrubbed her hair for the second time just to make sure she got all the dirt out. She had overloaded her hair with conditioner first to remove all the knots and garbage with her steel comb before she had begun to scrub it. The water, while soapy, was now filtering out clean. Now just to scrub her face and body and she would actually be clean again, finally.

 

Her skin was pink from brutal scrubbing and excessively hot water then she had finally gotten out of the shower but it was amazing to feel clean again. Mud and blood she could handle but she hated being covered in slum dirt, it was a hang up from living in the slums as a child and never being able to be fully clean. She hated _feeling_ dirty and nothing made her feel dirty like being in slums again, even without the enviro fans she would still have needed a shower.

 

It was still weird looking at herself in the mirror, the first thing she had noticed was the absence of her facial scars. The second thing she had noticed was the minor alterations in her body, despite her claims of being ordered to rebuild Shepard identical in body and mind, Shepard realised that the other woman had taken some artistic licence with her body. All of her scars were gone, not just the ones on her face, and her breasts were fuller, not significantly but enough for her to notice. They were also perfectly even; her left breast was no longer slightly larger than the right. Her hips were also rounder, her ass too and while it could be her imagination but Shepard swore her waist was more hour-glassed than it had ever been, she also couldn’t help but notice her lips were a nicer shape and slightly fuller. While she didn’t care about the changes in her body and even liked most of them, part of her missed her scars. They were a story of her life.

 

It was just weird looking in the mirror and not seeing the scar on her lip, she had gotten it back when she had been a stripper. A client had punched her, catching her off guard and splitting her lip open, when she had stopped him harassing one of the other girls. He had looked much worse by the time she had been done with him; it had taken hours to get the blood stains out of the carpet but the story had spread and no one had ever had the balls to harass any of the strippers in the club again. The three scars on her eye brow she had gotten in the Skyllian Blitz protecting a little girl from a Batarian slaver. She missed her scars; every single one had a story but there was nothing she could do about it now. What she didn’t like seeing was the angry red scars left over from her rebuild, the cybernetics glowing red in-between the fissures of her skin. They made her look like a monster in her opinion and she hoped they would close soon.

 

“Officer Vakarian is on his way up, Shepard.” EDI informed her, breaking through her reverie.

 

“Thanks, EDI. Tell him I’ll be out shortly.” She replied, secretly glad she bad brought all her clothing into the bathroom with her so she wouldn’t have to walk out in a towel. He had seen her mostly naked before while he had tended to her battle wounds but a towel was different, dressed only in a towel in her cabin was different.

 

“Logging you out”

 

He was waiting for her, staring at her empty fish tank when she left the bathroom fully dressed and her hair tidy and subdued in her customary bun. Well this was going to be a difficult conversation, she thought feeling nervous as he turned around when she approached.

 

“I’m not sure why they thought you needed a fish tank, Shepard, but then again I’m not sure why they thought windows was good idea either.” He joked, breaking the tension in her.

 

“My main question when I got on board this ship was why is the armoury on the CIC deck and not in the cargo bay?” She joked back feeling more at ease.

 

“True, I did wonder about that.” He laughed. “Well. Looking at the windows we can easily have someone cover them up when we get to the Citadel. It’ll be expensive but Cerberus can afford it.”

 

“Thanks. I’ll have Miranda supervise the work.” She would have EDI find her a list of companies capable of doing the work and contact them tomorrow. It was funny, until he had also gotten angry about it she had been going to just suck it up and not do anything about it, but now she didn’t feel so stupid for not wanting the window.

 

“Shepard, I want to know what happened at the Cerberus facility. Why were you woken up before they were ready?” He asked as he walked around her from the fish tank to sit on one of the many couches in the room. The room, easily bigger than her last apartment, had a large L shaped couch in the corner under the display case, a coffee table and a small recliner across from it. Next to her secondary desk was a small one seater couch and there was another recliner next to the bed. She was unsure why one room required so much seating, she was pretty sure there was enough seating in this room for her entire ground party on the previous Normandy plus Joker.

 

She sat down near him and began to tell him how she had woken up to the facility being on fire with security mechs gunning down all the Cerberus staff. She had been disorientated and had woken up to Miranda’s voice; the woman had been calling to her through the intercom system for god only knew how long. She remembered explosions that rocked the room, the sense of danger they caused had probably done more to wake her than anything else, and the fight against the grogginess left over by the medication was something she would compare to downing. She had to fight to open her eyes. This disorientation was one of the reasons she hated being in med bays.

 

Everything had hurt; her jaw, arms, legs but the worst had been her ribs. As she had sat up, holding her protesting ribs the first things she had noticed was that the facility was on fire, the familiar sounds of gunfire and explosions. She had followed Miranda’s navigation of the facility and fought her way through rogue mechs with a pistol. She told him about the data logs of her reconstruction, how they had moved to bio-synthetic fusion to accelerate her recover, how they had gone over budget.

 

She explained about finding Jacob and how he had told her that she had died and been rebuilt, that her XO hadn’t survived the attack. Somewhere in between telling Garrus that she had been reassured that she wasn’t a clone and explaining what she knew of the Lazarus project, she mentioned that she had asked about her crew and asked where they were, only to have Jacob tell her like she was crazy that it had been two years and they had moved on. Garrus had been silent up until that point, letting her tell the story how she remembered it without asking questions but that got a low growl from her friend.

 

Shepard took her time explaining to him how Jacob had been contacted by Wilson and how it felt that after that the mech attacks had gotten worse. How even when he had been radioing them about being shot and attacked she hadn’t heard any gunfire in his transmissions and it had given her a bad feeling. When she was telling him about the second Data recording she had found from Miranda, about how Cerberus wanted her to have the same mind, same morals and same personality, she could help but laugh and tell him about the changes they had made to her body, how they had taken away her scars.

 

“Why would they do that?” he asked, sounding confused. She couldn’t blame him for his confusion; it seemed like a weird thing to fix about someone when you were ordered to reconstruct them to be exactly the same. It was even more confusing because she was sure no one but she would notice most of the changes because _one_ they were so subtle and _two_ it had been two years since anyone saw her if they noticed they would just assume they were misremembering, well maybe Kaidan would notice but she doubted it. If the things that had been changed hadn’t been the cause of some teenage body image dramas not even stripping, military life and age had completely erased even _she_ might not have noticed or assumed she was misremembering.

 

“I don’t know but my guess is that it was a decision Miranda for the most part. My lack of scars could have something to do with the condition of my body but I think she decided that improving my physical appearance might give me an edge.” It was hard to explain, it was the conversation she had with Miranda before they had arrived on Omega that made her think that. Miranda had told her about her own genetic modification and how even her looks had been designed and Shepard couldn’t help but think that maybe Miranda had done the same thing for her. Most people, regardless of species, tended to be more inclined to help those they found physically appealing.

 

“I suppose making more noticeable adjustments would have caused people to just question whether or not you were really Shepard. Don’t worry Shepard. You still look like you, just with less scars, Wrex will be devastated about that, he was so impressed by them that for a while I was worried he was going to take you as his mate. I saw a Human-Krogan porn vid once, years ago. It looked painful for the Human.” He joked making her laugh and feel both better and slightly afraid for a few reasons.

 

“Why were you looking at Human-Krogan porn?” she asked, making a mental note to never watch that. She didn’t need more nightmares.

 

“Have you had anyone walk up to you and say ‘hey watch this’ because that was basically what happened. Now, stop changing the subject.” Good to know both their cultures had people who did that, actually Joker had done that to her more than once before.

 

Still laughing at him she told him the rest of it. There wasn’t much else to her escape from the facility apart from learning how bad her condition had been when they had recovered her body and Wilson being the traitor just like her gut instinct had told her, he had been just a little too shocked at finding Miranda alive and there had been all of those mechs at the exit. She had still questioned Miranda about it but had quickly agreed with her assessment of the man and let the matter go. Garrus growled, angry again when she told him about the little psych test she had been forced to comply with on the shuttle.

 

The growling didn’t stop as she told him about the brief conversation with the Illusive man and how he had made her go to a disappeared colony barely a day after she was off the slab, knowing that after she had seen the empty colony she would feel compelled to ally with Cerberus to save others. That bastard had definitely read her psych report.

 

The colony had been the empty ghost town Jacob had expected, aside from the mechs. She described her encounter with Tali, and that just like Garrus the woman had never questioned that Shepard was really Shepard. Just been happy to see her and given her a friendly hug. She told him about why the Quarian’s were on Freedoms Progress and that Cerberus had done something to make the whole Quarian people hate them. It hadn’t been surprising, it would be easier to list people who didn’t hate Cerberus and none sprang to mind. 

 

Part of her regretted not asking Tali to join her on her mission but her friend’s first priority had been to get Veetor the help he needed. After seeing the security footage of the Collector attack the reprogramming of the security mechs hadn’t seemed like an overreaction even if it had nearly killed all his friends. Watching the footage of them carrying off the colonists had been heart breaking to watch, to know that even if she had been there she would have been carried off too. The seeker swarms would have frozen her too and then the monsters would have carried her away, just like they did to everyone else.

 

After finding Garrus she couldn’t decide if the Illusive man had lied to her about his whereabouts or if Garrus had just been that good at covering his tracks. If he had lied however, had he lied about Kaidan and Liara too? She felt embarrassed to admit that she had asked about him first but she didn’t tell him how disappointed she had felt at hearing that he had disappeared after her death or how much that idea had worried and distracted her. She had asked about Kaidan second knowing that she probably wouldn’t have been able to get any information on him, she would have to ask Anderson if she wanted to find him, which she did but it just hadn’t been going well before she died and that made her nervous. Part of her, the part that still had feelings for him wanted to try again and the other part wasn’t sure the second time would go better than the first.

 

“Liara with the shadow broker, now that’s something I want to see with my own eyes.” Garrus exclaimed astonished at that piece of information. It was pretty hard to believe but she would find out for sure when they eventually got to Illium. “Do you think the Illusive Man was lying about Kaidan?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if he was lying about not knowing where _you_ were, never mind lying about not knowing where Kaidan is. I hadn’t expected to find you here and a heads up would have been nice but when one of the Mercs told me Archangel was a Turian sniper… I just I knew it was you.” She trailed off, staring at her balled fists on her thighs. She had known it was him, hadn’t wanted it to be but known somehow that it was. Then when he had taken off his helmet and she had seen his face and heard his voice she had just been so happy. He had been sick and depressed, absolutely exhausted but she had still been happy to see him; a friendly face, someone on her ground team that she could really trust.

 

“I don’t think he was lying, I know how to cover my tracks.” He stated like it was obvious. “When I saw you I thought I had finally died, or reached the point of exhaustion that I was hallucinating, then you shot someone and I _knew_ it was you, that you were alive. It was good to see a friendly face.”

 

“I don’t know how friendly it was. You did take a rocket to the face.” She told him, she had meant it as a joke but her voice had fallen flat.

 

“You need to forgive yourself, Shepard. My injury wasn’t your fault.” He told her, echoing the words she had said to him earlier about how her death hadn’t been his fault. He was wording it that way on purpose too. When she looked at him she saw that he was glaring at her with his piercing blue eyes. Ice blue. So far she had never met another Turian with eyes like his.

 

“I knew how exhausted you were, that you weren’t thinking clearly but I still left you alone to go and check there were no survivors.” She sighed.

 

“And if you hadn’t checked there would have been more mercs, we would have been pinned down by gunship fire and they would have cut us down.” He growled out “ _or_ , we would have been cramped down on the top floor and none of us would have survived that missile. It wasn’t like there was a lot of room to manoeuver.” He pointed out.

 

“Maybe but you still nearly died on my watch.” She retaliated. What he said made sense but she still felt it was her fault; she had been there and had seen his condition.

 

“No maybe, definitely, you saved our asses going down there to check and I would have definitely died if you hadn’t been there.” He told her, getting up and walked around the coffee table to kneel in front of her. “You know I’m right, or you would if you were thinking clearly.” His voice was gentle now and it didn’t sound like he was trying to placate her.

 

“Come on Garrus. Don’t be naïve. They would have taken you alive if they could have, death would have been the best part. If I hadn’t come when I did you would have _wished_ you had died. I knew that and I was distracted by it, I just wanted you away from them before you crashed. I wasn’t thinking and you paid the price.” She laughed bitterly voicing the thought for the first time.

 

“They could have killed me or caught me any time in the last two years. I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t lucky that you came when you did, they had me boxed in.” He voiced before looking away for a moment, it looked like he was trying to find the words. “I even called my dad, to apologise for the fight we had about me leaving C-Sec and to say goodbye. Then I saw you and I knew, once I convinced myself that I wasn’t hallucinating, that I would get out of that day alive and I did because you were there. It was my own damned fault I got hurt, Shepard.”

 

“You called your dad?” she whispered taken off guard. She knew his rocky history with his dad, that he had called him to apologise and say good bye spoke volumes to her about how hopeless he had viewed his situation. He had known he was going to die and accepted it.

 

Garrus barked a hollow laugh. “Yeah, he knew. I could hear it in his voice that he understood and then I saw you and I told him the odds suddenly got better and I’d return home when I could. Shepard, you saved me. You do _not_ get to blame yourself for my scars, I should have been behind cover but I got caught out in the open.”

 

It was too much. The first bit of hope he had felt in who knew how long and he had nearly died anyway. Shepard lent forwards and wrapped her arms around his neck, her arms fitting inside his big metal cowl. It wasn’t entirely comfortable but it was the best she could do. “I’m sorry Garrus.” She sobbed into the soft hide of his neck and she was, she was sorry for everything, for dying, for his squad dying and for being downstairs when he had been getting shot.

 

“I’m alive, not as pretty but still alive” he joked, the familiar comforting coo rumbling deep in his throat as his arms came around her. He was used to her hugs, she always hugged her crew. Well those she was closest to.

 

“You’re still pretty. We probably shouldn’t take you to Tuchanka though, Wrex might marry you off.” he laughed at her joke and gave her an uncomfortably armoured squeeze before pulling her away.

 

“If nothing else will convince you let me tell you this: If I don’t get to blame myself for your death, you do not get to blame yourself for me attempting to catch a rocket with my face.” he told her sternly, glaring at her for a moment. “Now stop crying. It’s messy.” He continued resorting to bribery since his logic hadn’t been convincing her, smirking slightly as he complained.

 

“I’ll try but there’s a condition” she said wiping her eyes on the back of her hands. She really must be tired if she was crying on him like this.

 

“What is it, Shepard?” he huffed out, sounding hard done by.

 

“I get to help clean your facial wound.” She had been considering angling for this since she had seen him in the med bay bed with half his face obscured. He hated the med bay as much as she did so if Dr Chakwas showed her how to do it properly he would have to pay her less visits. She would also be able to keep track of how it was healing, so it was a win-win. It didn’t make her guilt any less but being able to help him take care of it was a start.

 

“I don’t really like the idea of you seeing it, Shepard. If this is how you get at seeing a bandage.” he objected gently. They would never get anywhere if he was ashamed of how his injury looked, if he started blocking her out because of it he might never let anyone in. She didn’t want him to isolate himself any more than he was already doing; the thought of him being alone made her sad.

 

“Please, Garrus?” she pleaded.

 

“Shepard, no, my face is a mess and I’m really not comfortable with you of all people seeing the damage.” he told her making her even more determined to be the one to do it.

 

“You’d be insisting the same if the shoe was on the other foot, Vakarian. We used to always take care of each other’s injuries. Besides, how will I know you’re cleaning it properly if I don’t do it?” She reasoned and it was true. They had used to treat each other’s injuries, the ones in awkward to reach places.

 

“ _Fine_ , you can clean it. Just like old times.” He grumbled giving in despite his aversion to her seeing it and she suspected it was mostly out of concern for her rather than he changed his mind. She would have to be cautious in how she reacted, if she showed how much it upset her or worse if she showed disgust, he would never allow her to see it again.

 

She reached out and gently touched the dirty white bandage on his neck, she could see it needed changing after all the dirt and muck those fans had thrown at them today. “Thank you, Garrus.” it wouldn’t make her guilt magically disappear, this conversation wouldn’t magically convince her that his damage wasn’t her fault but it would help. Cleaning his wounds and taking care of him would help her come to terms with what happened and maybe help her atone for her actions. The same way he needed to be at her six.

 

_________________________________

 

There was no getting out of the trip to the med bay to have her implants checked and get some sleeping tablets. She knew that, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. After they had finished talking Garrus had practically towed her down to the crew deck, like she was a naughty child who didn’t want to see the doctor. Well she didn’t want to see the doctor but was resigned to it.

 

“Oh look, my two worst patients in the med bay together again. Is it Christmas?” The sarcasm was heavy in the doctor’s voice but her eyes were sparking with laughter.

 

“I don’t know what Christmas is.” Garrus grumbled, putting himself between Shepard and the door.

 

“It’s a day when you give people presents but never mind; to what do I owe this pleasure Shepard?” She informed him before turning to Shepard a frown forming between her brows.

 

“I’m having trouble sleeping and Miranda thinks my implants might need adjustment.” she explained, thinking she might as well get this over with. She had to admit being able to sleep through the night would be nice and not being so over emotional and stressed would also be nice.

 

“You should have come to me earlier, Commander but I suspect you’ve already had a lecture. Luckily Cerberus saw fit to provide me with all your medical details, I can perform the necessary adjustments but it will take a few weeks.” Chakwas said waving her Omni-tool over Shepard, and looking at the scan results. “Hmm, yes. They were rushing at the end I suspect, all the major work is flawless and everything has integrated into your body with no rejections.”

 

“What about the scars?” since she was here she might as well ask about them.

 

“Oh those will close up on their own. The cybernetics will react to your personality, the more aggressive you are the more the scars will open but I don’t expect you’ll have any trouble with that.” Chakwas explained as she went to one of her medicine cabinets and pulled out a small blue bottle full of pills. It rattled quietly in her hand. “I want you to take one of these tonight and tomorrow we’ll get started on the adjustments.” she handed Shepard the bottle of pills. These were prescription grade sleeping pills designed for soldiers, she had taken this brand once before, the last time Garrus along with Tali had dragged her to the med bay after Ash’s death.

 

“One more thing Doc. I want you to show me how to clean the wound on Garrus’s face” from behind her she heard Garrus groan quietly.

 

Cleaning the wound was simpler than Shepard expected, despite the severity of the injury. The burn to the side of his head and neck was brutal; the skin around the cybernetic implant where his ear should be was a mottled red and purple mess of burn tissue. The injury went down his neck to the plate of his cowl, up to the edges of his crest and of course across his mandible and cheek. Since the wound was so new, the skin had yet to begin to grow over the cybernetic implant. The bandage was to be changed every week or after a particularly dirty mission, such as this one. It was horrible to see and not because the wound was messy.

 

The actual cleaning was straight forward, it was to be sprayed with the gentle disinfectant solution that Chakwas handed her, patted dry and the bandage reapplied. The skin graft bandage was required to be worn for six to twelve months depending on the healing progress, otherwise the wound would never heal and would become constantly infected due to exposure.. The visible burn scars on his plates required only a gentle washing and antibacterial cream to keep them clean, Turian plating reacting differently to skin. Under Chakwas’s supervision, Shepard cleaned and dressed her friends wound for the first time

 

“I want to check this once a month to see how it’s healing, Garrus. The Commander cleaning it for you does not mean you can entirely escape the med bay.” Chakwas told him as watched Shepard replace his bandage. She was terrified to pressing down too hard on him and hurting him, she knew the Turian neck was sensitive.


	7. Swept under the Carpet

Although she had heard from Garrus, Jacob and Miranda that the Council had basically conducted a smear campaign on her Shepard had been unprepared for the reality of that. Part of her, the naive and optimistic part had hoped that they would listen to reason, that she could convince them of the Reaper threat and the Collector threat. That she could gain their support, but no. The Turian Councillor had barely stopped short of outright calling her a liar and had even out right said that her ‘reaper theory was proof of her fragile mental state’, they combined attitude towards the thread had made her so angry that it had taken every ounce of willpower not to simply tell them where they could stick their Spectre status. Giving in to her temper wouldn’t help her cause in the long run, even if at this moment she had very much wished she had let them die two years ago. Their short sighted wishful thinking wasn’t worth all the lives that had been sacrificed to save them.

 

After that very infuriating meeting there was finally a chance to talk to Anderson, despite her deteriorated mood it was still wonderful to see him, even if he was distant. He had always been a father figure to her and it had been an honour to serve as his XO on the original Normandy. It also wasn’t his fault that the council were _god damned fucking morons_. While she worked up to asking him about Kaidan, they talked about the Citadel, the repairs and his job as councillor.

 

“What happened to Staff Lieutenant Alenko after the Normandy was destroyed?” she finally asked. Butterflied fluttered nervously in her stomach, she wasn’t sure what to expect and it made her anxious.

 

“Staff Commander Alenko is still with the Alliance, but he’s working on a special mission. It’s classified.” Anderson informed her impassively. “I can’t say anymore. Not while you’re working with Cerberus. I’m sorry.” funny, he didn’t sound sorry but she supposed it was understandable, being allied with Cerberus was probably going to close more doors to her than it opened but no one else was doing a god damned thing. She would have thought he’d have trusted her more however.

 

“Are you alright, Shepard?” Garrus asked her quietly as she made her way back to the docking bay. It was a good thing she had done all her Citadel shopping before she had gone to see Anderson; she wasn’t in any mood for it now. Her crew would be getting some decent meals for a while, bought as many weapons mods as she could, had made Cerberus fund her model ship hobby and bought a hamster. The only thing she hadn’t done was get Garrus his new armour but that would need to wait now, she just wanted off this damned space station.

 

“They shafted me. I understand that Cerberus is untrustworthy, really I do but this is ridiculous. How much more proof could they possibly want?” she growled coming to a stop and venting out the anger she had been suppressing.

 

“I think they would still _‘dismiss that claim’_ even if they were being dragged off to be harvested.” He told her impersonating the voice of the Turian councillor and using his air quotes. He looked ridiculous but it got the laugh out of her that he intended. 

 

“At this point I would probably pull up a chair, crack out the popcorn and watch the show.” It was a lie, no matter how much they pissed her off she would still save them from the Reapers but the bad joke made her feel a little bit better.

 

“What is popcorn?” He asked, sounding confused and startling another laugh out of her. He was distracting her and joking with her on purpose, because he knew it would improve her mood.

 

“It’s a thing humans traditionally eat when they watch a movie. It tastes like shit plain but is really nice with lots of salt and butter.” She explained knowing how weird it sounded.

 

“Sounds weird.” He laughed; she knew he thought all levo food was weird and disgusting. “Shepard. What are you going to do about finding Kaidan if the Alliance won’t tell you?” He asked with an odd tone to his subvocals and ruining the light mood he had created by encouraging her to joke and vent. She didn’t know what that tone meant and she was sure she wouldn’t have been able to hear it if she didn’t know him like she did.

 

“I don’t know. If the Alliance doesn’t trust me enough to tell me how to get in contact with him; I really don’t know what else I can do, maybe Anderson will tell him I’m alive and he’ll contact me.” She told him, rubbing the back of her neck.

 

Somehow she really doubted he would contact her, the only initiative he had ever taken in their relationship was when he came up to her cabin the night before Illos. Oh and when he had cornered her in the comm room with Liara after a meeting with the council and accused her of leading them both on, she had been angry with the way he had chosen to handle that. That he hadn’t asked her about her feelings for him in private and trusted her to speak to the Liara quietly and let her down gently, instead the confrontation had humiliated everyone. They had eventually agreed to disagree on that.

 

“There’s nothing else you _can_ do, Shepard. You can’t ask the Shadow Broker, you crossed him by withholding information when we were after Saren. Giving him a chance to get revenge on you is a bad idea. The ball is in Kaidan’s court as Joker would say.” Garrus stated reasonably. That agent had told her she would regret crossing the Shadow Broker the next time she needed something, not that she would have trusted him not to sell her out anyway.


	8. Books, covers and where to shove them

After her disastrous trip to the Citadel, Shepard decided to finish getting the rest of her Dossiers that the Illusive Man had sent her before doing anything else. Needing some distance between the Normandy and Citadel space she decided to get the convict named Subject Zero from the Purgatory prison station first. Even the name of that place gave her a bad feeling and that was before she had actually seen it or set foot on it.

 

The place had been a nightmare, just another place where they could torment criminals for the rest of their lives. The conditions and the general goal of the facility and the way it was run said a lot about the Warden. He was a pale plated barefaced Turian from the Blue Suns, he reminded her of Garrus actually and that was not inspiring. He had been sick of the injustice of the system, sick of seeing criminals get out over and over repeating their crimes so he had set up the prison facility. A place outside of standard laws that would take the worst criminals the galaxy had to offer and lock them away. It was a noble goal she supposed, in the beginning. He was the monster Garrus could have turned into had he continued dealing out his own brand of justice on Omega, Shepard was unwilling to consider the option of him still becoming like that. Of her best friend becoming so cold and cruel to those he saw as rabid animals but she had already seen the signs in him, there was a reason justice was dispensed by the law and was bound and tied in a bow with red tape; to stop places like this from happening.

 

She listened with growing disgust for him and everything he had built as he got to the part where they extorted the planets the criminals came from, told her that if the planet didn’t pay the expanses requested, they would drop the convict off at an unspecified time and location. On top of extortion and blackmail they also sold the criminals to buyers, admitted that some of the buyers just wanted a chance to mete out their own versions of justice. Then she had gotten a look into the beatings, it had been sick. She had convinced the guard to call it off, for his own sake and the prisoners. Purgatory was a place that turned everyone into monsters.

 

She had only been mildly surprised when the Warden had betrayed Cerberus and tried to capture her. Damn slaver already had a buyer lined up for her and she would have bet all her credits it was some agent of the Collectors or the Reapers. He had become so morally bankrupt that he was selling her, a pervious buyer and not even on his list of criminals, for the money. How many other criminals in this facility had been picked up for the price they could bring, or sold by someone with a grudge? How many people in here had done nothing wrong except piss off the wrong person?

 

When Subject Zero, also known as Jack, started ripping up the facility Shepard could only smile. They had been forced to release all the prisoners just to release Jack and the place had turned into a prison riot. As they followed the burning path of Jack’s escape they saw bodies of guards and prisoners everywhere.

 

“Shows you what kind of people these prisoners are. I don’t agree with everything they do here but it’s in the galaxies best interest. This guard kept maniacs away from innocent people.” Garrus commented when they found the body of a guard that had been mobbed by prisoners.

 

“Prisoners helpless. Guard had power. Perhaps abuse it? Violence here could be retribution.” Mordin told him before she could comment.

 

“He’s right Garrus. This is very different from what you were doing on Omega, this is tormenting people. I might not completely agree with the way you handled things on Omega, I wasn’t there but at least you didn’t torture any of the mercs. They hurt people and you killed them, nice and clean. This, this place is monstrous. The original goal might have had merit but now everyone is a monster, the prisoners, the guards and the buyers. They had power with no rules, no moral limits. I can’t help but think that if you’d been caught by the mercs on Omega, that when they were done with you, done making you suffer they would have sent you here. Do you honestly believe you would deserve what is done here? How many others do you suppose just crossed the wrong people?” she tried to explain, turning to him.

 

She kept her body language friendly, calm and even affectionate. This was as close as she would allow herself to come to lecturing him knowing that she had little to no right to judge since she hadn’t been there with him but she didn’t liked the change his time on Omega had cause in him, she just hoped it wouldn’t alienate him from her. She couldn’t help him if she alienated him, he would never listen to her again if he felt she was judging him or if she picked apart his decisions. However that he could even voice any support for this place was another side effect Omega had on him, the side effect that Omega seemed to have on most people she had met. It made you hard and now she had to soften him, soften him so that one day, ten or twenty years from now he wouldn’t be another Warden Kuril.

 

She watched as he struggled for a moment, his hatred for injustice and the idea of criminals getting away with it warring against what he had seen of this place. He didn’t really look like he believed that the mercs would have taken him alive if they could, but he had never actually talked to them. It looked like he needed one final piece to see how unjust this place was, so she gave it to him; just as she had when she had explained why she had wanted to bring Dr Saleon in alive.

 

“Garrus. The Warden wants me as a prisoner in here, to sell and use however he wants. No matter what I’ve done, I don’t deserve to suffer what they do to people in here. I don’t deserve to be raped and beaten every day for the rest of my life; I don’t deserve to be sold just so the Warden can buy a nice house. Neither do you, neither does anyone no matter how bad.” She reached up and made him look her in the eye as she said it, her hand gently holding his good mandible so he couldn’t look away.

 

He sighed, the internal conflict over. “I... you’re right, Shepard. No one deserves this, especially not you.”

 

“Not you either.” she told him pointedly before giving him a small smile. It would have broken her to find him in a place like this, she was barely holding it together as it was not that she would ever tell him that or allow herself to dwell on it. He was safe and this facility would soon be destroyed. “Come on, we have a corrupt Turian to kill and a violent biotic to find.”                                                                                                                

___________________

 

_‘Jack’s the meanest handful of violence and hate I’ve ever encountered’_ was how Warden Kuril had described her. Violent yes, angry yes but hateful and mean that wasn’t Shepard’s first impression of the woman when they had finally caught up with her. She had come through the door just in time to see the look on Jack’s face when she saw the Cerberus logo’s on the Normandy, just in time to see the flash of fear and the resulting defeated, frustrated tantrum that had resulted. No, that was certainly not how Shepard would describe Jack.

 

The only thing required to convince Jack to join her on her mission was access to Cerberus’s data bases and that was something she had more than been willing to provide, much to Miranda’s disgust.

 

Jack was yet another person who hated Cerberus and more importantly another person on the Normandy who hated Cerberus and would never trust them. It was oddly comforting to know that it wasn’t just her and Garrus anymore, if she played her cards right and was honest and up front with Jack at all times, Shepard felt that she would be able to fully trust the woman. It wouldn’t be the two of them on a ship full of crew singing Cerberus’s praises or actively being paid by them.

 

She had found herself a place in the bowels of the engineering deck, two staircases led down to what Shepard assumed was supposed to be a small storage bay. It was dark and tight, only a few lights and most of all quiet. It was the sort of place Shepard would have found to sleep when she’d been part of the Reds, the only thing it lacked was the multiple hidden exits. That wouldn’t be a problem for Jack, just as it had never been a problem for her after she had begun to learn combat engineering, two font entrances that merged into a choke point, easy pickings. When Shepard came through the choke point she saw Jack sitting on the cot that had been set up for her, multiple data pads were scattered around her feet. She hoped the woman would find what she was looking for.

 

“Hey” Jack said as she approached, looking up from the data pad she had been reading. Her demeanour was a hell of a lot more passive than it had been on the facility; whatever she had been reading was definitely not good.

 

“So tell me about you Jack?” she asked skipping the tactful small talk. Since they had a moment to breathe, a moment where no one was shooting at them and she wasn’t being pissed off by the existence of Miranda, Shepard actually took in Jack’s appearance. She was covered in tattoos, from the side of her head, all the way down to where they disappeared underneath her clothing.

 

They were beautiful, there was a star surrounded by skeletal hands across her collarbone, on one arm was a series of portraits and on the other was a design that looked like a human spine with numbers next to some of the bones. Intersecting with the tattoos and possibly the reason she had so many were a series of scars, not scars like Shepard used to have these looked like medical scars. One perfect red line of scar tissue went from her shoulder down over a breast, to just above her bellybutton where it split off and stopped at identical points on her hips. Her hair was completely shaved off with only a very short amount of stubble allowed, it actually made the military style of shaving seem long in comparison.

 

“I’m still finding out about me.” She said, waving the data pad to make her point. “Thanks for letting me look at these files.”

 

“If they’re helping you, that’s good enough for me.” It’s also pissing Cerberus off and I’d have done it just for that, even if I didn’t like you, Shepard thought.

 

“Don’t be my buddy. You need me to kill for you; I need you for these files. Let’s leave it there.” Jack growled, well it wasn’t really a growl. The woman didn’t give a shit. “Your friends at Cerberus are into some nasty things. I’m going to find something I can use. I just know it.”

 

“When isn’t Cerberus not into something nasty? What are you going to do when you find what you’re looking for?” Shepard asked suspecting the answer.

 

“I go hunting. Anyone who’s screwed with me pays, their associates pay, their friends pay. The galaxy’s going to be a whole lot emptier when I’m done.” She threatened, waves of malice rolled off her like waves.

 

“What’s your history with Cerberus?” Shepard inquired trying to keep the disapproval out of her voice. Great another person on her ship who was driven for revenge, her only consolation was that Garrus wasn’t this bad yet.

 

“They raised me in a research facility. I escaped when I was a kid, been on the run ever since. And they’ve been chasing me ever since, but soon I’m going to chase them.” She said, getting up off her cot and pacing to the back of the storage space.

 

Fuck. Shepard had seen and destroyed a lot of Cerberus research facilities, the atrocities she had seen in them gave her a pretty good idea about what had been done to Jack. Why Jack behaved the way she did was suddenly a hell of a lot more understandable, the woman was lucky she was alive and functional. Jack was going to require careful handling; overtures of kindness and friendship would likely make her angry and confused but they would need to be made anyway.

 

“You don’t have to live in this pit, you know” She told her grasping for something to say that wasn’t Cerberus related and that didn’t sound like pity or judgment.

 

“It’s dark, quiet and hard to find. That spells safety to me.” Jack told her, putting the hand gun she had started playing with away.

 

Shepard couldn’t help her chuckle. “Yeah, you picked a good place; one entrance and easily defendable.” Part of her was ashamed that she flinched when Jack jumped up on the table, with all the grace of a tiger about to pounce.

 

“You know, this ship is a powerhouse. You could go pirate, live like a queen. I could help.” Jack purred seductively.

 

“We have to stop the Collectors. I don’t have time for piracy.” Shepard sighed.

 

“When this is done, we’ll either be dead or out here in space with this ship.” Jack pointed out, jumping down off the table. “Think about it? Lots of creds, freedom to go wherever we want and all the mayhem and fighting I could want.” She smiled, it wasn’t a comforting smile. One day they were going to talk about her lust for killing but the first conversation was probably a bad time.

 

 


	9. Closer yet just as far.

That bastard had tried to sell her; he had tried to sell Shepard so he could retire off the credits, Garrus was still furious about it, he just wanted to shoot Warden Kuril in the head again. The image of the man in the cell who had been repeatedly beaten by the guards until Shepard made them stop circled around in his head. That would have been her if that damned Warden had got his way. She was right; there was nothing redeemable about that place. Their methods put the lie into everything they said, into everything they could have stood for.

 

He should have shredded Kuril with his talons, torn him limb from limb for what he wanted to do to her, a bullet had been too good for him. His calibrations were never going to get done at this rate; maybe he should give it up as a bad job and take a break. Try to clear his head a little before they got to Korlus to collect the Krogan Warlord, after all he couldn’t protect her if he wasn’t clear headed.

 

The door behind him swished open, pulling him from his thoughts. She looked troubled when he turned to look at her; she was doing that little frown thing humans did when they were troubled and unhappy. “The talk with Jack went that bad huh?” He asked as his subvocals dropped into a comforting hum he wasn’t even sure she could hear; it was hard to resist the urge to nuzzle her forehead and comfort her further. She wasn’t his mate; she was Alenko’s even if the man was still nowhere to be found. That was another thing that pissed him off, surely Kaidan had gotten word she was alive by now. Why in the spirits hadn’t he contacted her? For spirit’s sake she needed him.

 

“She was raised in a Cerberus Research Facility.” Shepard sighed, looking tired and down. Damn woman was pushing herself too hard; they weren’t going to be able to save the colonists if she burnt out.

 

“Shit.” he swore. He had seen some of those facilities and the results didn’t bode well for Jack’s mental state. “So how do we proceed?” he asked, more concerned about how a traumatised biotic was going to affect his friend. She was exhausted and still not sleeping well; the doctor’s calibrations of her implants were slow going.

 

“Cautiously, with understanding, kindness and trust. Never defend Cerberus to her, never justify their actions to her and don’t ever lie to her. We’re going to get bitten a lot before she even begins to soften up.” She explained to him evenly, like they were dealing with an abused Varren or one of the many duct rats on the Citadel.

 

“Is that wise, Shepard?” He inquired harsher than he meant to before he could stop himself, it was a good thing she didn’t have subvocals and couldn’t hear his panic. Traumatised duct rats and Varren didn’t have the biotic power to shred the ship like it was made from papier-mâché, and throw his overwrought Commander around like a rag doll. 

 

“We’ll I’m not going to antagonize her.” she snapped at him. Shit, when was the last time she ate? Garrus thought trying to remember. Breakfast _maybe_? He hadn’t thought anything of it at the time being too distracted by his anger but he seemed to remember her handing over all her protein bars to the biotic woman. “Sorry, you didn’t deserve that.” She apologised quickly, looking at her feet and pinching the bridge of her nose.

 

“Well, if anyone can get her to warm up, it’s you. Come on, I need a break from my calibrations.” He relented changing the subject pulling her towards the mess as he passed her. He wasn’t really hungry for ship rations but then again he would never be hungry for ship rations, despite her best efforts the supplies she had bought for him on the Citadel still made him feel like he had died and gone to hell. Maybe that’s what hell was, a permanent existence on dextro paste…

 

“I’m really not hungry, Garrus.” She told him as she frowned down at the mass of blue Gardiner had just slapped on her tray. To be fair, all levo food looked equally disgusting to him but he had heard the whole crew complain about Gardiner’s cooking skills, Kasumi had taken to calling him an evil genius with an emphasis on the evil. Whatever that meant. 

 

“You need to eat, Shepard.” He reminded gently. He was trying not to sound like a nagging mate, it would make it harder to step aside if he got used to the role. She would never consider him as a mate anyway even without his scars and anger, she deserved better than a bad Turian like him. He nearly laughed despite his unpleasant thoughts though when she glared at Gardiner like he was trying to poison her.

 

“What is this and why is it blue?” She inquired; well it would have been inquiring if her look hadn’t been so suspicious.

 

“Well Commander, I call it my calamari gumbo.” He declared happily oblivious to Shepard’s doubt in his cooking skills, or perhaps he was so used to it by now that he no longer noticed. “Truth be told it’s based off an Asari receipt. Seems a little cannibalistic to me with their tentacle heads and all but they know good grub.” Garrus noticed he had dropped his voice down so that the crew members already eating at the far table wouldn’t hear, they had been pleasant to him so far but that didn’t meant they would feel the same about alien food. Garrus suspected that the only reason he had so far had no trouble with the Cerberus crew was their fear and awe of the Commander.

 

“Uhuh. I should go.” She informed him blandly as she turned and walked off to the table. Garrus had no choice but to take his dextro rations and follow her.

 

“How’s the food?” He asked after a few minutes of quiet companionable silence.

 

“Blue” she commented quietly with a small shrug.

 

“That good, huh?” he drawled out, amused. When she started classifying foods as colours rather than tastes it meant she didn’t like it, it meant she _really_ didn’t like it. It had just been one more thing that had confused him greatly when he first came aboard the Normandy and he had ended up asking Joker what she meant. He looked at his own crappy meal; he could understand it now, his dextro paste tasted like grey.

 

_________

 

His commander was a strange woman, Garrus thought fondly as he watched her carefully glue another piece of her model ship together. He had asked her if there was anything she could do to wind down and relax for the night and she had smiled that bright happy smile he loved so much and asked him up to help her with the models she had bought. Until he had seen the look on her face when they walked into the souvenir shop and she had seen the model ships, Garrus had completely forgotten that she had collected them. Watching her now, as she sat on the floor with ship parts scattered around her and a look of relaxed concentration on her face he was surprised that he could have ever forgotten. Then again, this was the first time he had ever been invited to build models with her.

 

The Turian Cruiser was the second ship she had constructed since they had gotten up to her cabin; her small too-many-fingered hands had put the Normandy SR-1 together like they had made it a thousand times before, while he was tasked with putting together her Destiny Ascension. Even with the instructions model ship building was complicated and it looked like he was about a third of the way through.

 

“EDI, bring up a photo of a Turian Cruiser onto the holo screen.” He heard Shepard order; it brought him out of his own frustrations with his own ship.

 

“Right away, Shepard.” EDI answered, a second later on the holo screen on the wall appeared a large photo of the Cruiser requested. That brought back memories; he had served on a few of those during his time in the Hierarchy military. They were beautiful ships and he couldn’t help but wonder if she would paint on the orange detailing.

 

“Don’t you think it would be easier if you hadn’t thrown away the instructions?” he prodded, his mandibles flaring out in a teasing smile.

 

“That’s where you’re wrong, Vakarian. If I read the instructions the Reapers would be upon us before I even managed to get two pieces glued together.” She winked at him before pausing to study the picture for a moment. He watched in fascination as something seemed to click into place as she looked at the picture, when she saw him watching he laughed as she stuck her tongue out at him in a gesture that was incredibly juvenile.

 

“Why?” He asked as she went back to gluing her ship together. It seemed odd to him that the instructions designed to build the damned things would actually make it harder for her.

 

“No idea, it just ends in yelling and throwing things. Constructing all the bullshit furniture in my apartment got me noise complaints from the neighbours and eventually I just paid a guy down the hall to build all my shit.” She laughed and he couldn’t tell if she was joking.

 

“Shepard, you’re an engineer. How can you not be able to follow the instructions to put a table and chairs together?” He asked incredulously positive she was _pulling his leg_ as humans liked to say.

 

“Don’t know. I’ve just never been able to make something using someone else’s way. Possibly because I learnt the basics while I was on Earth, I made things based on pictures I found on the extranet and explanations of how they worked.” She explained not looking up, her model was coming together quickly now that her block was over. “Used to piss my engineering instructors off, they nearly wrote me off as a lost cause because I would dissolve into a pile of frustration every time they tried to make me follow the instructions.” She chuckled nostalgically.

 

“So how did you convince them?” He asked interested to hear more about her life before he had met her. He knew how hard it was to learn to do something when it didn’t sync up with how the person who was trying to teach you did it. He had butted heads with his father over similar things many times.

 

“Anderson found me in the security mech hangar one night, parts scattered everywhere, rebuilding and repairing the security mechs, with a flashlight in my mouth, a soldering gun, spare parts that I had mostly dug out of the garbage and my Omni-tool. Took me all night and I didn’t even know he was there until he handed me a refilled cup of coffee.” She told him as she smiled fondly down at the ship she was still building, there was a mischievous twinkle in her eye when she looked up at him.

 

“What happened?” Garrus was concerned, that area would have been out of bounds for a trainee, especially at night and unsupervised. He was surprised they hadn’t immediately shot her.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t even know how long he was there for until he gave me coffee when I started to yawn, chatted to me for a few hours; just the normal stuff, where I was from, why I wanted to join the military and why I was fixing mechs in the middle of the night instead of sleeping. I may have vented my frustrations about my instructors and how they taught, I think he showed the security footage to them because they stopped insisting I needed to do things their way, after all rebuilding mechs was more than a first year trainee should be able to do.” She said, smiling a little and holding up her now finished Turian Cruiser model. It looked exactly like the picture and all it was missing was the orange painted detailing.

 

Garrus looked down and chuckled, he still wasn’t anywhere near finishing his model and she had already completed two; he had been too absorbed in listening to her talk and seeing her with all the weight taken off her shoulders. He liked this Shepard, the one who smiled and told him stories while being completely relaxed from all her responsibilities, he would have to find other ways to make this happen after she had built all her ships. Was this the side she showed to Kaidan? The thought made him frown. Damn it he didn’t want to think about that, ever.

 

“Want some help?” she offered, obviously seeing his expression and misinterpreting it. Thank the spirits she couldn’t understand all his subvocal cues, this would get awkward if she could hear his jealousy leaking through. 

 

“Sure.” He agreed clamping down on his sub harmonics and watching her as she scooted over next to him.

 

“You can calibrate a state of the art gun but can’t put a little model together, Garrus?” she teased as she picked up the first piece.

 

“I think you’ll find, I was perfectly capable of putting the MAKO back together after you broke it.” he smirked as she laughed and rolled her eyes at him. It was more fun when she was handing him the pieces and showing him where they went, she was also right, the instructions had made this far more complicated than it needed to be. 


	10. Did you see that elephant, it stepped on me?

Shepard stood in the port cargo bay staring at the tank they had brought back with them from Korlus. They had lost Warlord Okeer to poisonous gas after he had tried to save the ‘perfect’ artificial Krogan that was still sleeping in the tank. The cold logical part of her told her that she should be thankful for that, he had lacked the necessary ethics and loyalty to be on the Normandy regardless of how much he could have helped, she hadn’t been pleased that he had abandoned his _‘non perfect’_ creations to be used and discarded like trash. There was also the fact that he had hired that damned Asari, wherever that woman was there were unethical scientific practices.

 

There had been a debate earlier about what to do with the Krogan in the tank when they debriefed whether to leave him or open the tank and recruit him but looking at him now, it was unfair to just leave him. In her mind it made them no better than Okeer, discarding him as trash because he _might_ be dangerous. He was a Krogan, of course he was dangerous.

 

The suspended tank breed Krogan looked a hell of a lot different than the other of his species she had met, his forehead plate wasn’t smooth. It was broken up into smaller rougher plates and she could see his red scaled hide poking through, all his plating was steel coloured silver, it matched the armour Okeer had built him in. His lips lacked the thick hide texture that other Krogan had and he had some silver plating on his chin.

 

“Stand by. I’m going to open the tank and let him out” She informed EDI as she checked that her gun was readily accessible.

 

“Cerberus protocol is very clear regarding untested alien technology” EDI replied quickly. She sounded uncomfortable with this.

 

“He’s either a powerful edition to the crew or a time bomb. I’d rather deal with it now.” Shepard persisted. She would not be overruled by an AI or some stupid Cerberus protocol, this would be done even if she had to override the controls herself or get a crow bar.

 

“Very well, Shepard. The controls are online. The switch…and consequences…are yours” EDI finally conceded. It was interesting to hear an AI back away from the blame like a human would, but humans had built her.

 

It all happened so quickly, one moment the poor guy was on his hands and knees coughing up the fluid from his lungs and the next he had charged her, flung her roughly against the wall and now had his very large hand clamped on her throat as he held her suspended. Oh that was going to bruise like nobody’s business, Shepard thought annoyed. If she hadn’t been rebuilt with a few bonus skin weaves and bone density weaves she would definitely be dead.

 

“Human. Female.” The Krogan growled. “Before you die, I need a name.” Hers or his? She wondered. He had shark blue eyes, the prettiest colour she had ever seen on a Krogan; she had expected them to be grey like his plating.

 

“I’m Commander Shepard and I don’t take threats lightly, I suggest you relax.” She ordered, thankful for all the upgrades. He was very close to crushing her throat but she would never let him know it.

 

“Not your name. Mine. I am trained, I know things but the tank…Okeer couldn’t implant connection. His words are hollow.” He informed her sounding confused. He seemed to stop and think for a moment. “Warlord, legacy, grunt…grunt. ‘Grunt’ was among the last. It has no meaning. It’ll do. I am Grunt. If you are worthy of command, prove your strength and try to destroy me.”

 

In the space of a few seconds he had declared he wasn’t brainwashed and had no name before quickly choosing his own. She couldn’t help but wonder at why he had chosen a name so casually since it had been the first thing he asked. “You wouldn’t prefer _‘Okeer’_ or _‘legacy’_?” She asked and she could hear the irritated clip in her voice. She was determined to conduct this discussion as if they were sitting calmly at a table and not as if she was being held against a wall by her neck. 

 

“It’s short, matches the training in my blood. The other words are big things I don’t feel; maybe they fit your mouth better. I feel nothing for Okeer’s clan or his enemies. I will do what I am bred to do…fight and determine the strongest…but his imprint has failed. Without reason that’s mine, one fight is as good as any other. Might as well start with you.”  He said indifferently.

 

Well that was funny; Okeer’s perfect Krogan wasn’t quite so perfect after all, being that he was all pesky free will and a personality. It made Shepard want to laugh; she would have paid good credits to have been able to see Okeer’s reaction to his science project telling him to go stick it. Well, he had a name now and that was a start, now to help him find a purpose.

 

“I have a good ship and a strong crew, strong clan. You’d make it stronger.” She pointed out, trying to peak his interest.

 

“If you’re weak and choose weak enemies, I’ll have to kill you.” He replied grudgingly. That was promising.

 

“Our enemies are worthy. No doubt about that.” She all but laughed. If he was willing to tag along he would never be bored.

 

“Hmm, hmph, that’s…acceptable. I’ll fight for you” he answered giving a small smile for the first time.

 

“I’m glad you saw reason.” She told him feeling relieved; she would have felt guilty if she had been forced to kill him. He had free will and a life; he deserved the chance to live it. She also didn’t want to spend the next couple of hours cleaning Krogan blood off the walls and floor or dragging his heavy ass corpse to the air lock.

 

He looked down as he released her and noticed that she had a gun to his side for the first time, they would need to work on that. He looked impressed. “Offer one hand, but arm the other.” He laughed. “Wise Shepard. If I find a clan, find what I…I want; I will be honoured to eventually pit them against you.”

 

“EDI do we have any sleeping equipment on board for Grunt?” Shepard inquired as Grunt walked away. Judging by the lack of dextro rations that had been on board she wasn’t hopeful they had anything a Krogan could sleep on. 

 

“Cerberus did not see fit to install the sleeping equipment required to fit a Krogan crew member.” EDI confirmed.

 

“I don’t need a bed, Shepard. I’m a Krogan not a weakling like your kind.” Grunt growled in protest, posturing and smashing his fists together.

 

“Well you’re getting one.” she snarled back at him unwilling to accept a no for an answer. “I’ll show you around the ship and introduce you later.”

 

“EDI, is there anywhere on the Citadel that sells Krogan beds?” Shepard inquired as she walked out from the cargo bay with a brief parting wave at Grunt, who was still protesting his need for a bed.

 

“There is nothing sold in the Citadel that would fit in the cargo bay, Shepard. I suggest either making him a nest of blankets and pillows similar to what Officer Vakarian has set up in the Main Battery or making one yourself. Preliminary searches on the extranet indicate designs that would fit in the small allotted space; the condition is that you would need to build it.”

 

“Show me” Shepard ordered bringing up her Omni-tool interface to look at the data and stopping in the hallway in front of the lift. The beds were large but she might be able to rig up some sort of storage system for it, or perhaps fold away. “Do we have the materials on hand to build this? Do we have enough bedding to make it comfortable?”

 

“Affirmative, Commander. We have salvageable equipment in the Shuttle bay and spare bedding in the crew quarters.” EDI confirmed, as an AI programmed to do everything in her power to assist the crew she sounded like she approved of this venture.

 

“Excellent. Thank you EDI.” Shepard replied gratefully, this would have taken triple the time to organise without the AI. “Would you please patch me through to Garrus?” she asked thinking maybe Garrus might have some ideas and feeling that maybe the company while she did this would be nice.

 

“Of course, Shepard. Patching you through.”

 

“Yes?” Garrus answered distractedly.

 

“Hey, have you got a minute?” She asked getting into the lift and hitting the button for the Shuttle bay.

 

“Sorry Shepard, can it wait? I’m in the middle of some calibrations.” He asked completely absorbed in his work, there was going to be no dragging him away from that, damn.

 

“Of course, I’ll talk to you later.” She answered cutting off the comm link and sighing.

 

The bed she had decided on with the help of EDI and the pictures she supplied of the port cargo bay ended up being non compactable. It would go behind the tank, where the storage crates were. The crates, and she would need help with this, would be moved down to the Shuttle bay and secured tightly against one of the walls.

 

It had been a while since Shepard had actually constructed anything, most of her job now involved hacking and shooting but the plans were simple. The toughest part was creating the deep curve in the beds surface to accommodate Grunts hump because like Turian beds, Krogan beds were also built in a bowl shape. The designs all looked like they would be incredibly comfortable once stacked with pillows, but maybe not supportive of the human spine.

 

“EDI patch me through to Jack.” Shepard asked growing frustrated at her inability to create the bowl effect on her own and EDI had suggested that maybe a biotic could help her bend this damned metal panel. She supposed she could have called Miranda or Jacob for help but getting Jack involved in something that didn’t involve violence seemed like a better idea, she would ask Jacob if Jack turned her down.

 

“Yeah?” Jack answered. If anything the woman sounded bored out of her mind.

 

“Hey. I need some help in the Shuttle bay. You got a second?” She asked figuring she had nothing to lose. There was also not much else she could do until she got some help.

 

“Got nothing better to do.” Came the reply before the comm cut off. “What do you need Girl Scout?” Jack asked as the lift doors opened not five minutes later.

 

“Can you bend dip into this metal panel like this one, with your biotics?” Shepard asked holding up the picture on her Omni-tool.

 

For a moment Jack studied the picture with a raised brow. “I can try. What the fuck are you making?”

 

“The Commander was concerned about the lack of bedding designed for an adult Krogan so she is constructing one. I theorised that a biotic may be able to bend the metal sheet into the desired shape.” EDI explained before Shepard got a chance.

 

“Shit, Shepard. You let the Krogan out of the tank, bet that made the Cheerleader happy.” Jack laughed.

 

Shepard was surprised with the biotics skill and control, bending the sheet of metal took less time than she could have hoped. Bending it into the required shape had taken less time than it had taken Shepard to weld the three steel panels together and now all that was left was to construct the rest of the design.

 

____________________________

 

Garrus was still absorbed in his calibrations when the door behind him swished open, internally he groaned. He hated having to blow Shepard off again and he always felt guilty doing it but he really needed to get this done so that everything was ready for when she went to Omega to pick up the Thanix cannons he had suggested. He couldn’t wait to play with them actually, to get a chance to test out the galaxies most advanced cannon system. 

 

“Hey, Vakarian.” Jack called as she entered the room behind him.

 

Wait, what? Since when did Jack come to visit him? She rarely left her cave in engineering and when she did it was only to visit the mess hall for some food. Garrus turned to look at her, or rather at a spot behind her, all the tattoos gave him a headache but in the few days she had been aboard the Normandy he had begrudgingly come to like her. She kept to herself, was good in a fight and had so far caused no trouble for Shepard.

 

“Need something?” he asked curious enough to not suggest that she come back later. Somehow he felt he was not going to enjoy this conversation.

 

“Yeah, actually.” Jack replied. He didn’t know much about humans and he knew even less about humans that weren’t Shepard but Jack sounded angry, even for Jack. “Why aren’t you in the Shuttle bay helping Shepard build that Krogan bed?” she asked smiling like a rabid Varren.

 

“Ah, because I’ve been in here calibrating the guns. You know since I’m the gunnery officer?” He drawled back not having a clue what she was talking about. What Krogan bed? They didn’t have a…oh shit, she didn’t. “Please tell me, she didn’t let the Krogan out of the tank on her own?” he pleaded rubbing a hand over his fringe.

 

Jack laughed in a way that reassured him not at all. “We are talking about the same Shepard right, Vakarian? Blonde, crazy, commands the Normandy? Might want to bring her some medigel, her throat is starting to bruise.”

 

Bruising…there was bruising on her throat. Shit. He was about to demand why she knew any of this information when her Omni-tool interrupted. “Yeah?” she answered.

 

“Can you come back to the Shuttle bay? I need some more help.” Shepard asked her voice sounding slightly out of breath through the comm piece in Jack’s ear.

 

“Down in a minute.” Jack answered. She let out a little huff after the comm connection cut out and then looked up at him. “You coming this time?” Jack sounded a lot gruffer when she spoke to him than she had been answering Shepard.

 

Shepard was sitting on a solid metal bunk when he arrived with Jack down in the Shuttle bay a few minutes later. She had loose strands of hair falling over her black smudged and sweat soaked face, she smiled when her gaze fell on him and then frowned as if wondering why he was there. He could see the dark bruise spreading across her neck under her jawline, her clothing was rumpled and dirty, a few singed holes and black smudges on her normally pristine crewman uniform she always wore. 

 

Garrus stopped in front of her and glared down at her. “You shouldn’t have opened the tank alone, Shepard.” He growled. There was no use in really being angry with her; she would do it again without a second thought. Most of the black smudges on her face were from the war paint she called makeup running, which was a relief. She did have a big black smudge mark on her cheek from where she had wiped her face.

 

“I had it under control, Garrus. You would have just shot him and it would have been a waste.” She told him, wiping a line of sweat from her face.

 

“What the hell did he do to you, hold you against a wall by your neck?” he joked as he tilted her head back to look at the bruising on her throat. It probably didn’t need medigel; her upgrades would likely heal it quickly. When she didn’t even chuckle in response he looked at her with a sinking feeling. “Please tell me he didn’t actually do that, Shepard?” He clamped down on the alarmed and half panicked trill that threatened to ring out. He really needed to work on learning to control his subvocals better.

 

“That’s why I said you would have shot him. Don’t worry, I’m fine, it’s just a little bruising.” She chuckled completely unconcerned. “Anyway I talked him down, as long as I give him strong enemies Grunt has promised not to kill me.”

 

“Get a room. I didn’t get called down here just to watch you two act like a married couple.” Jack growled disgusted from behind him. Embarrassment made him drop his hand from Shepard’s chin, what the hell was he doing. If he kept treating her like she was his mate he would ruin their friendship, and that was the only good thing he had going for himself right now.

 

“Oh shut up, Jack.” He watched her yell as she slipped off the bed she had been sitting on while he had been examining her neck. Her face was pinker than it normally was; Joker had told him once that humans blushed when they became embarrassed.

 

“Well you didn’t call me down here to watch Vakarian baby you.” Jack snapped back, her arms crossed over her chest. He couldn’t read Jack well but he got the impression that she was amused.

 

“I need you to biotically help me move this damned thing to where I need it.”

 

“I’m here to kill for you, not help you move furniture.” Jack grumbled looking annoyed. Garrus wondered how Shepard was going to handle the stubborn woman.

 

“That’s ok, Jack. I can ask Miranda.” Shepard smiled innocently, like she hadn’t just said the one thing almost guaranteed to get Jack to do what she asked. It was hard for him to suppress his chuckle, Wrex always said she had a quad but damn.

 

Garrus watched a war break out over the biotic woman’s face as she struggled between annoyance and pride. She didn’t want to really want to help but she was apparently loath to allow Miranda to do something she could so easily do. “Fuck you, Shepard.” She snapped out, coming forwards. For a moment he thought that maybe the psychotic biotic woman was going to attack his Commander but then she sighed and said “Tell me where you want it.”

 

It ended up taking the four of them over an hour to get the cargo bay set up for the new bed to go in. The silver Krogan named Grunt kept protesting that the bed was unnecessary and Shepard kept telling him to ‘ _shut up, he was getting a bed whether he liked it or not’_. All the crates behind the tank needed to be moved so that the bed could go in and then transported down to the Shuttle bay, trust Shepard to find the most exhausting task on the ship to do and somehow drag him into it. The surprising part was Jack stayed to finish up while he and Shepard went up to the crew deck to get the blankets.

 

Garrus stood back with Jack and Grunt as they watched Shepard rearrange the pillows and blankets on the new bed like a nesting female, watching as she would step back every so often to evaluate her work before changing something. He couldn’t stop the low purr that erupted in his chest; he had never seen this side of her. His thoughts were thankfully broken before he could continue to go further down that path by Jack.

 

“Looks like you just got a mother, Turtle face.” Jack laughed, teasing Grunt with a playful jab he saw in his peripherals.

 

“I have no mother, I was tank bred.” Grunt rumbled in return. He sounded confused by Shepard’s odd behaviour; it was obvious Okeer had neglected to imprint him with any information about female nesting behaviour.

 

“Well I think you just got one, big guy.” Jack stated there was a note in her voice that was both bitter and wistful.

 

“My crew is my family.” Shepard told them, his attention snapped back to her as he watched her finish up and walk over to them; apparently now satisfied with the state of Grunts new bed.

 

Without missing a beat, she slipped her arms around the Krogan’s big head in what was probably the poor guy’s first hug ever. Grunt looked stunned, like…what was it again…like a deer in the headlights; whatever a deer was. Humans had weird sayings. Jack beside him began laughing at the expression on Grunts face, he watched with a smirk as Shepard drew back from the Krogan and glared at her.

 

“Let me know if the bed needs anymore pillows or blankets and I’ll buy you some more once we get to the Citadel.” She told him fondly, patting his cheek. Grunt would never complain about his bed, about the bed she had made him, it was all over his face the second she took her eyes off him to look at Jack.

 

The stunned look on Grunts face was nothing compared to the stunned horror on Jacks when Shepard leaned in quickly and planted a kiss on the biotics cheek. “Thanks for the help Jack.” She smiled before deciding it was his turn for some affection. She walked over to him and flung her arms around his neck with familiar practice, she was careful of the injury on the side of his neck though. He returned the hug as he always did, giving her a tight squeeze across her middle back.

 

Turian’s were not an affectionate species, giving affection to family and bond mates only but he made an exception for Shepard. On the original Normandy he was one of a few of the crew who was on the receiving end of this small piece of affection from her. The others had been: Joker, Tali and Wrex. Of course he assumed that Alenko had also gotten her hugs too, but that was something he hadn’t ever seen. He had asked her once why she didn’t hug Williams or Liara and she had told him that she didn’t want to lead Liara on and that hugs made Ash uncomfortable.

 

“Thanks, Garrus.” She told him as she released her hold and stepped away. “Now I need a shower so I’ll see you guys later.” She smiled left the port cargo with a half assed wave before he could answer her with a smart assed comment.

 

“Does she always hug and kiss people?” Jack croaked out sounding confused from behind him. This was her first time on the receiving end of Shepard’s affectionate nature, well the nature she would display towards people who would allow it.

 

“Yeah, you’ll get used to it.” He chuckled, hoping the woman wouldn’t tell his commander that it made her uncomfortable. “Grunt that is what you do when someone hugs you, you _gently_ wrap your arms around them and _gently_ squeeze.”

 

“Humans are strange. The tank never told me about things like this.” Grunt complained. Although he was hardly better at reading Krogan’s than he was at reading humans Grunt looked happy despite his grumbling. If Garrus didn’t know better he would think that Shepard had just melted both the Krogan’s hearts.

 

“You’ll get used to it. EDI does Shepard want me to show Grunt around the ship?” He called out to the AI thinking to spare her the introductions. He had calibrations to do but they had waited this long.

 

“Shepard says if you don’t mind, that would be great. Officer Vakarian.” EDI relayed.

 

“Come on, Grunt. It’s time to meet the crew.” He said motioning for the silver Krogan to follow him.


	11. Not what was wanted after all.

Shepard stood watching the disappearing Collector ship break atmosphere, if it had been something, anything else it might have been pretty. The grey clouds had been charged with golden lightning and swirled like a mini-tornado as they had surged in to close the hole punched through them by the escaping ship, like blood rushes in to fill the hole left by a bullet. She had barely been listening as Garrus spoke to her over the comm but she had caught a few words. They had taken most of the Colonists, not all but most.

 

Then the Mechanic that had been hiding in a garage was out and yelling at her to stop them, like it was even possible. She could understand his desperation, his loved ones and friends were on that escaping ship but there was nothing she could do and she had told him so as kindly as she could.

 

“I didn’t want it to end this way, I did what I could.” She told him as gently as she could, keeping her guilt out of her voice. It never got any easier, the guilt at not being able to save everyone never got any easier but they had saved some at least.

 

“More than most, Shepard.” Garrus laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. He always knew when she was taking something particularly hard.

 

“Shepard. Wait, I know that name.” The mechanic growled turning around to look at her. His face was a mixture of disgust and grief. “Sure, I remember you. You’re some type of big Alliance hero.”

 

Ah, she knew how this song and dance went. He had heard of her and now he was going to lay the blame for this whole mess at her feet so that he could feel better about having hid in that garage while his friends were being taken. From behind her at his words she could hear Garrus begin to growl, that low rumbling in his chest she might not have heard if he wasn’t standing so close, he always did that when he got angry. She could also hear the menacing shift from Grunt on her other side but she didn’t know if that was in response to Garrus or the man in front of them.

 

She had just been about to turn around and glare at Grunt when she saw movement from behind one of the crates, another survivor. When the man came into view and she recognised him, it felt like the bottom of her stomach had just dropped out. Kaidan. That feeling was not what she had been expecting to feel when she saw him, she had expected to feel attraction, affection and joy but instead she felt like she was sinking in quicksand and she couldn’t explain why.

 

“Commander Shepard, Captain of the Normandy, First human Spectre and Saviour of the Citadel.” Kaidan said as he came forwards to stand next to the Mechanic in front of her. There was nothing in his body language to say he was pleased to see her, in fact he felt and sounded angry. “You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan, and a ghost.”

 

“All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this; I’m done with you Alliance types.” Delan snarled, he made a disgusted gesture and stormed off.

 

When Kaidan came forwards and was suddenly standing in front of her, Shepard didn’t know what to expect. He was now smiling slightly, and it was unnerving. It took every ounce of willpower to not take a step backwards so that he was no longer in her personal space. He had barely stopped in front of her for a moment before he wrapped his arms around her shoulders in a tight hug; the sudden move of affection caught her by surprise.

 

It was so awkward and it felt so wrong. He was a member of her crew, a brother in arms but she realised as she awkwardly returned his hug that she didn’t want it to be more than that; she didn’t want to try again. All she could think about was his behaviour during their fight against Saren and how even after Saren nothing between them had changed. He just wasn’t what she wanted or needed and that made her feel horrible. He was also angry enough to start breathing fire at any moment; the sinking feeling warned her that this was not going to go well.

 

“I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did.” He stated into her shoulder. His voice was dead and hollow, similar to how Garrus had sounded when she had first found him, except without the underlying current of joy.

 

‘It’s been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?” She smiled as he let her go and thankfully put a little bit of distance between them.

 

He shrugged. “That’s all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like thing happened.” He scoffed at her. The way he was talking, it sounded like she had just moved out of his apartment while he was at work and left a note on the fridge. “I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I…I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?” He ranted angrily as he took a step back into her personal space.

 

She couldn’t help but notice he had said ‘ _I loved you’_ past tense, like she had been just playing with him. He was also making her whole death all about his feelings and blaming her for not contacting him, now that…that made her angry. There were a million different replies she wanted to yell at him but she swallowed them down, it was the story of their relationship but she hadn’t come here to fight with him. She would be calm, calm and professional. “I’m sorry Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed. You’ve moved on. I don’t want to reopen old wounds.”

 

“I did move on. At least, I thought I did. But now we’ve got reports about you and Cerberus.” Kaidan told her, some of the anger leaving his voice. He actually sounded a little disappointed; like he had sounded when he found out she used to run in a gang on Earth.

 

“Reports? You mean you already knew?” Garrus asked in a deceptively calm if confused voice. He was growling again, so low she could barely hear it.

 

“Alliance Intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this one might be the next to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumours you weren’t dead. That you were working for the enemy.” He explained his voice was emotionally detached and empty.

 

A tip, huh? Well she was going to have a chat to the Illusive Man about this tip later and about the rumours that she hadn’t been dead. She’d been awake for five weeks now and only been to the Citadel once, there shouldn’t have been any _‘rumours’_ , especially if Anderson had been keeping the knowledge from him.

 

“Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies. That doesn’t mean I answer to them.” She stated, trying to defend herself from the insinuation that she had turned traitor. It was a little on the aggressive side but she hated that she was forced to work with Cerberus and she certainly wasn’t going to defend them.

 

“Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?” He growled, coming back into her personal space to loom over her in an aggressive manner. “I wanted to believe the rumours that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me.”

 

Oh, good. Now he thinks I’m brainwashed _and_ a traitor, she thought angrily. “Kaidan, you know me. You know I’d only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies. They’re working with the Reapers.” She pleaded. This wasn’t about her or her feelings, this was about the colonists. It was no time to get angry and it was no time to feel hurt because a team mate just called you a traitor.

 

“I want to believe you, Shepard, but I don’t trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they’re behind it, what if they’re working for the Collectors.” Kaidan explained making it perfectly clear that believing her was exactly what he _didn’t_ want to do.

 

Yes, Cerberus were assholes, yes they were using the Collectors to manipulate her into doing their dirty work. Did she believe they were working _for_ the Collectors, no she didn’t. He wasn’t going to help…he wasn’t going to do a damned thing to help the colonists because of the label on her uniform, she had failed to live up to his ideal and now the colonists were going to pay because he couldn’t get his head out of his ass.

 

“Damn it, Kaidan! You’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re ignoring the real threat!” Garrus snapped, losing patience with Kaidan. Garrus wouldn’t be standing behind her if he thought she was being manipulated, he wouldn’t be willing to _tolerate_ Cerberus if she was brainwashed, if she wasn’t herself, if she wasn’t acting for the right reasons.

 

“You’re letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts.” If anyone had told her this morning that she would be defending Cerberus against her ex-boyfriend she would have told them to go to the med bay and it was definitely _ex-boyfriend_ , even if she had still cared for him nobody got to call her a traitor and insinuate that she was brainwashed and still got to share her bed.  

 

“Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight.” He told her looking at her like she was crazy, like she was suggesting they paint Wrex pink and put a flower crown on his head. “You’ve changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier, always will be. I’ve got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.” He shot out before turning and walking away from her.

 

Oh, so now I’m brainwashed, a traitor _and a liar_ … “I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan. I’ll be just like old times.” She asked knowing his answer even as the words came out of her mouth. Every part of her was screaming at her to tell him to shove it, that she had been dead, that if he trusted her so little and believed she was a traitor he could just stick a dragon’s tooth up his ass but she didn’t, she chose to be nice. She chose to be calm; chose to instead offer him a position on her team even though ‘ _just like old times’_ would cause her a lot of stress she shouldn’t have to deal with, because if he could help save the colonists it didn’t matter what she wanted. 

 

“No, it won’t. I’ll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful.” He told her as he turned back to her. There was no look back, no hint of regret for anything he had said and done in his posture. He had just walked away from her and more importantly away from the Colonists. He had just betrayed the whole colony, everyone she hadn’t been able to save just by walking away. 

 

“Shepard…” Garrus cooed as he laid a hand on her shoulder, he was trying to comfort her. He knew she was upset and angry and he was trying to comfort her but it was too soon.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it yet.” She growled at him knowing she would need to apologise later. She was so angry; it was like fire running through her veins. All she wanted to do was get back to the Normandy and have a god damned shower and try to wash off how dirty Kaidan had made her feel. “Joker. Send the shuttle to pick us up. I’ve had enough of this damned colony.”

______________________

 

The shower hadn’t helped to calm her down like it would normally have, she had been too angry by the time she got to her cabin. Her chat with the Illusive Man had done nothing to aid her frayed temper and everything to make it worse, he had tipped the Collectors off, had started the rumours that she was alive.

 

He was the reason they had hit that colony, one colony for the potential to save the rest, she _hated_ ruthless calculus, _hated_ that it was necessary and how dare he comment about her past relationship with Kaidan. She knew the cost, knew the damage being distracted during a mission could cause, how dare he question her resolve and how fucking _dare_ he think she would sacrifice her crew _for_ Kaidan, like he was even worth it; but she had choked back her anger like a fur ball in the back of her throat and said all the right things. The things that didn’t make her implants burn like maw acid, like her anger was doing now.

 

At the thought of sacrificing anything for Kaidan her eyes fell on the picture of him she had on her desk, she hadn’t put it there, it had come with the Normandy. The photo was in a black and silver frame rather than a holo frame and whoever had taken the photo had caught Kaidan from the side but she supposed it was a good photo.

 

She needed to get this rage under control and she needed to get rid of this photograph, he had no place in her personal space anymore. She wanted to throw it against the wall, to smash it to little pieces and burn the remains but doing that would just end in her trashing her room. She needed to let it go, let it go and go apologise to Garrus for snapping at him. Kaidan didn’t deserve her rage, he didn’t deserve her scars growing larger, he didn’t deserve her hurt feelings and he _certainly_ didn’t deserve any sort of affection.

 

“I don’t even know what I saw in you.” she told the picture as she picked it up to look at it. She remembered having feelings for Kaidan but what if all she had seen was how handsome he was, he had been sweet and loyal in the beginning but then again they always were. Everything with Kaidan had been a war, getting him to admit that he liked her, the issue with Liara, Ash’s death, her old affiliation with the 10th street reds… he would open up to her, tell her his history and then shut her down whenever she had tried to do the same. She’d have been better off with her one sided hopeless crush on Garrus. 

 

In the back of her mind she always felt like she wasn’t living up to his image of her, now she knew it was true. She had failed to live up to his ideals, to whatever standard he had set for Commander Shepard to live up to. She had come back to life and was wearing Cerberus colours, her reasons didn’t matter to him. Her reasons had never mattered to him. Just as he had never cared that being with the Reds had been the only way she could have survived and she had joined the Alliance on her eighteenth birthday, he was never going to admit that allying with Cerberus for the time being was the right decision. That swallowing her pride was the only way to save the colonists. Being who she was had betrayed the ideal of her he had in his head. He had a way of making her doubt herself, a knack for making her feel guilty about things she shouldn’t feel guilty about; she felt all her rage just rush out like someone had just pulled the plug in a bath, and it left her feeling a little empty truth be told.

 

She didn’t realise she had been sitting on her bed, aimlessly staring at Kaidan’s picture until the door opened and Garrus walked in. He entered her cabin a little nervously; like he was afraid she would yell at him and throw him out. That was her fault; she had snapped at him and shrugged off his attempt at consoling her because she was angry. She felt ashamed of herself; she was being a terrible friend. 

 

“Hey, Garrus.” She smiled thinly. The best she could do was give him a small smile to reassure him that she wasn’t going to start yelling, at least she hoped that was what it was.

 

“Hey, Shepard. I was just wondering how you’re holding up? It’s been a hell of a day.” He asked coming forward with more confidence now, reassured that she wasn’t going to snap at him anymore and that his presence wasn’t unwanted.

 

“That it has.” She chuckled bitterly patting the bed next to her, inviting him to sit with her. She was glad he hadn’t waited for her to cool down enough to grow a quad and go down the main battery.

 

“You didn’t answer me on how you’re holding up.” He reminded as the bed rippled under his weight as he sat beside her and she could hear his low rumbling.

 

“I don’t know. It’s all jumbled up, I feel upset that he called me a traitor and a liar but I’m angry too. I’m sorry I snapped at you before.” She apologised as she scooted over close enough to rest her head on his armoured shoulder, it wasn’t entirely comfortable but it was comforting it and he didn’t pull away. She could feel his subvocals vibrating through their connection, could feel the comforting rumble he was making. That rumble he always made when she was upset or angry.

 

He laughed. “Don’t worry about it, Shepard.” He accepted, squeezing her hand in his as if his rumble wasn’t reassurance enough that he was forgiving her. Her hand was tiny in comparison, and it looked so delicate surrounded by his; her five long thin fingers being squeezed together in his thick three.

 

“Am I doing the right thing, Garrus, working for Cerberus?” She asked, gently pulling her hand away from under his to fiddle with the picture frame in her hand. She was fidgeting and she knew it, she really needed to get that nervous tick under control one day. It was hard to pull her attention away from the picture in her hands and look him in the eye, a foolish part of her was afraid that he would repeat what Kaidan had told her. Damn him, he always knew just what to say to make her doubt herself.

 

He was watching her spin Kaidan’s picture in her hand but when he looked up there was no judgment in his ice blue eyes, just conviction and a little worry, they were soft in a way she hadn’t seen since she died. Soft like they were before he began allowing his anger to eat him from inside out. “You’re doing the only thing you can. We both know that if the Alliance had offered you their support or the council you would have ditched Cerberus in a heartbeat. I don’t like it either but this is the only way to stop the Collectors, don’t let Kaidan make you feel guilty just because he’s too blind to see the real picture.” He growled, his subvocals switching from comforting to angry and his eyes hardening to shards of ice.

 

“Thanks for being there today, and for trying to defend me. I knew it was going to be bad, he was angry to see me after all but I guess I wasn’t prepared for him to suggest I was brainwashed, call me a traitor and then with his parting shot call me a liar too.” Shepard let out a bitter laugh, she had expected more from him and she didn’t understand why. “I really can pick ’em.” She snarled out a barked laugh before looking back down at the picture in her hands and turning it to face her.

 

Honestly she expected all her crew to know her better, how can anyone spend a year on her ship under her command and then call her a traitor and a liar. Gods, she should have run away screaming when he had pulled the Liara stunt. That was the moment she should have told them both to fuck off, but she had wanted to see if it would go anywhere. She should also have told him to fuck off when he had made her feel guilty about her past, she had done the best she could with a bad lot and he had made her feel dirty. She was such an idiot.

 

She didn’t even understand why she had even considered rekindling their relationship, true she had been on the fence about it but she had still considered it. Obviously Miranda had dropped her on her head at some point during her rebuild. Maybe she should just chalk that up to the whole dying thing and leave it at that.

 

She had known when she had seen him again that it was over, for her at least. The relief that she wasn’t going to have to break his heart made her feel guilty but the whole time he had hugged her she had wanted him to let her go, she hadn’t wanted Garrus to see her being hugged by her ex-boyfriend. She didn’t want to deal with those feelings yet, she was a bad enough friend to Garrus as it was. Maybe she was just feeling guilty that he had dumped her first…

 

“He’s an idiot, Shepard and he didn’t deserve you.” He told her gently. They were probably about equal on the idiot scale right now…but it was nice of him to say that; only an idiot considers rekindling a relationship as emotionally abusive and draining as hers and Kaidan’s had been.

 

“I know. He and I were never going to work; if I hadn’t died we would have broken up ages ago.” She sighed and flipped the picture back over, face down deliberately not looking at Garrus as she removed the picture from the frame. It would be a waste to ruin the frame now that she was feeling calm, one day she might be able to put a picture of someone who wasn’t a colossal dick in it. Someone she was fully in love with, someone who wouldn’t accuse her of being a traitor and who had actually taken the time to get to know her.

 

“Why are you still playing with his picture then?” He asked sounding confused, there was something else there too but she had no idea what it meant. She really needed to read up more on Turian expressions.

 

“I was trying to decide what I wanted to do with it when you came in. Part of me wanted to throw it against the wall and another part wanted to just throw it out the air lock.” She laughed. He wasn’t worth destroying her room in a tantrum and he also wasn’t worth walking down to the Starboard Cargo. She had been too worked up over someone who wasn’t _worth it_ ; far too worked up over a former crew member and lover who had walked away from saving colonists and doing the right thing.

 

“Are you sure you want to get rid of it?” Garrus forced out, it sounded like he nearly choked on the words. Was that because he was angry at Kaidan for turning his back on her and walking away or for some other reason? She probably shouldn’t put too much thought into that either.

 

“Yeah, I do. He betrayed everything we fought for and he walked away from the colonists just because of where the funding was coming from. In the end he didn’t trust or respect me enough to even listen to what I had to say and I can’t have someone like that in my life. Besides I knew it was over when he hugged me.” She sighed glancing down at the open back of the picture frame. She paused for a moment to take the picture out of the frame and close the frame back up. She would keep it, for someone who deserved it.

 

“How?” he asked, his voice was flat but it felt like he was relieved. She was sure that was how his subvocals thrummed when he was relieved. Was it just because as her best friend he was glad she had ditched her dirt bag boyfriend, or was there another reason. Ugh, she probably shouldn’t put too much thought into that either.

 

“I don’t know. All the feelings I had expected to still be there they just _weren’t_. He was just a crew member, I wanted him on the team because I thought he could help but I didn’t want to share my life with him. I would have felt really guilty breaking it off too; I think that’s mostly what’s eating me now. Guilt. He ended it and now I don’t have to and it’s a relief, I _should_ be heartbroken but I’m not. I feel guilty about that, like maybe I’m broken or a horrible person.” She confessed. She was afraid that telling him this would make him think less of her but more than that she hoped that voicing it would help her to deal with it. Damn Kaidan, he always made her feel guilty.

 

“You’re not broken and you’re not a horrible person, Shepard. He didn’t deserve to be in your life and you shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting him there. After what he said to you he doesn’t deserve anything from you, everything he said was Varren shit. You’re not brainwashed and hell I would know if you were, you’re definitely not a traitor because if anyone’s a traitor it’s him for turning his back on those Colonists. It’s not your fault you couldn’t contact him, he was perfectly capable of contacting you but had decided not to do so.” Garrus reassured her, slowly becoming angrier as he spoke. He became angry so quickly now, it was always there simmering just below the surface. His anger at being betrayed was eating away at him.

 

Shepard had no idea what to say to that, he never ever doubted her, no matter what. She looked down at the photo in her hand; Kaidan could never hope to be half the person Garrus was. He wasn’t worth her guilt any more than he was worth her anger. For a moment she stared at the photo again before scrunching it up in her hand, she could feel his eyes on her as she walked to the desk to place the frame face down on the cold metal surface and toss the photo in the bin to the side.

 

“Thank you.” She told her angry best friend with a warm smile as she came back over to where he still sat on the bed. Not for the first time she thought that he was the best thing in her life, she would probably be lost without him. He was always there when she needed him and no matter how their friendship went she would never regret pulling him off that rock. 

 

“Always, Shepard.” He replied giving her his own genuine smile as she sat back on the bed next to him. “Now that you’re feeling better and you aren’t going to tear yourself apart over that pyjack I think you should get some sleep.”

 

He was right, it had been a long day and they didn’t have long before they reached their next destination. She needed to get in a few hours’ sleep or Chakwas would go back to drugging her. After today though, she didn’t want to sleep alone but it would be unfair to ask Garrus to stay with her, to ask anyone to stay with her. So she wouldn’t ask him to stay but she would insist on doing the rest of her routine first, like helping him clean his wound. Some normalcy sounded like just what the doctor ordered, for the both of them.

 

“Alright. After I have a look at your wound.” She told him with a smirk, listening to him groan.

 

“Really, Shepard? After everything that happened today you really want to sit here and clean my damned face?” He growled out. He still hated her seeing his injury and was under extreme duress and with the utmost resignation. It always made her laugh, which she was beginning to suspect was the point.

 

“Of course. Today was nowhere near bad enough for you to escape this.” She laughed at him as she went to get her med kit from the bathroom. She had asked Dr Chakwas for all the gear to clean his wound and had decided to store a spare set in her room, just in case he ever _‘lost’_ his.

 

Gently she peeled off his bandage, it was filthy from the mission but since he always fought long range it wasn’t as dirty as it could have been. To her eye it looked like his wounds were healing well, there was no sign of infection or inflammation. It was dry and the same temperature as the rest of his skin. She could see as she sprayed the antiseptic solution on the burns that his hide was beginning to grow over the glowing cybernetic that had replaced his ear canal. It was still a long way away from being fully healed but it was a start.

 

“It’s looking good, Garrus. Am I hurting you a lot?” hurting him worried her; she tried to be as gentle as possible.

 

“Just the usual sting. I don’t know what she puts in that cleaning solution but it stings like maw acid.” He complained, like he always did when she asked. She also knew for a fact that he had no more idea about what maw acid felt like than she did. Using a set of gauze she patted off the excess solution as gently as she could before putting the new grafting bandage back on.

 

“You big baby.” She scoffed at him as she put her med kit for him back together. The old bandage would go back to Dr Chakwas and she would get a new replacement. She caught his eye when she straightened up, he always watched her like a hawke when she cleaned his wound, looking she was sure for any sign of revulsion or guilt. She would never give him the opportunity to shut her out of doing this small thing for him and never give him a reason to think he was ugly because of it.

 

Maybe it was whim or because of the sort of day she had gone through but this time she reached out, as she had always wanted to do and brushed her fingers lightly over his ruined mandible. He flinched but didn’t move away and under her feather light finger tips she could feel some of the burns, his smooth plating made rough by the damage. It was a shame about his colony markings, there was no way he would be able to have them redone with all the scar tissue but she still found him just as beautiful as she had always found him. Just as attractive, after all scars or no scars he was just Garrus. Her wonderful best friend and without a word she withdrew her fingers with a smile, there was no way she could possibly explain her sudden behaviour to him.

 

_____________________________

 

He waited still sitting on the end of her bed for her to come back from putting that damned med kit away, well maybe waiting was the wrong term. He had sat in daze for her to come back. The last thing he had expected was for her to brush his mandibles with her fingers, never mind touch his ruined one. The gesture had been so intimate and endearing it had made his heart hammer in his chest like a war drum.

 

No, no don’t think like that. She had always been affectionate with those she trusted, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just how she is, he told himself. But she had never done that before, she had touched his good one, held it to get his attention when he was determinedly not looking at her but she had never stroked it before, never mind stroked his scarred one with such a soft expression on her face.

 

Should he ask her about it, about what she meant when she did it? No that didn’t seem like a good idea, there was no reason for her to be interested in him, he was just a scarred, broken, bad Turian who wanted revenge. There was nothing he could possibly offer her; he would never be good enough for her to notice. Being her friend was enough. If she suspected that he had feelings for her beyond that of a friend she would recoil from him. No, he couldn’t mention it. It was just one of those strange human things she did.

 

Garrus nearly jumped out of his plating when the door to the bathroom clicked open, he shot up off the bed like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t be. She must have thought his reaction was strange because she stood on the top of the steps, dressed in the old shirt and shorts she wore to sleep, and quirked up an eyebrow at him in a silent question. He had no idea how to answer that question, so he ignored it.

 

“Garrus, would you stay until I fall asleep?” Shepard asked hesitantly after a few moments of heavy silence causing his attention to snap back up to her. She was leaning against the side of her display cabinet; her cheeks were pink like she had a fever as she fiddled with the ends of her hair to avoid eye contact. She was behaving extremely strangely tonight. Maybe that pyjack Kaidan had messed her up more than she had let on.

 

“Of course, Shepard.” He reassured her, trying to keep his nervousness from his voice as he pulled down the blankets so she could slide in. “Maybe you should take one of those pills Chakwas gave you, to help you sleep?” he suggested.

 

After taking the sleeping pill it didn’t take her long to drift off, she had fallen asleep holding his hand. She had slipped under the blankets he had pulled back for her and snuggled down as he had tucked her in like a child. He shouldn’t read anything more into it, she just needed a friend. One who didn’t think she was a brainwashed traitor and a liar, damn that bastard for being so blind and hurting her on purpose. Kaidan never deserved to call Shepard his mate, but at least now he never would again. How _dare_ that spineless ball-less piece of Varren shit say those things to her, he had better damn well pray Garrus didn’t see him for a while…

 

Ok, he needed to calm down before his growling woke her. Gently he pulled his hand from her small one, it was so small and had too many fingers but it had fit perfectly in his. Ugh, he needed to get a grip on himself and stop reading too much into everything, it was never going to happen. Even if he wasn’t scarred and angry… it would have never happened, spirits let it go…he desperately told himself.

 

Once his hand was free he looked down at her, her hair was spread across the pillow and she looked so peaceful. Her skin still glowed a little, in small places, but her cybernetic scars were a lot smaller now than they had been a few weeks ago. Hopefully her anger at Kaidan wouldn’t reopen them. Her strange behaviour must be contagious because against all common sense Garrus lent down and nuzzled her hair. It was soft against his plates, soft and smelt like one of the flowers his mother grew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was really hard to write in the relationship between Kaidan and Shepard, i hate him if it wasn't obvious. I have 1k of removed word count because it ended up an-i-hate-kaidan-rant rather than story.
> 
> my partner is unsure why i even wanted Shep to have a past romance with him.


	12. Fireworks, Shepard style.

How long had it been since she had last worn a dress? She wondered as she pulled the tight leather up her body with a wiggle. It wasn’t even an amazing dress, just ordinary, her first time wearing a dress in god knows how long and it was just plain _ordinary_. Black leather and tight fitting, almost like a second skin with a weird collar that was held together with a metal medallion. She was seriously questioning Kasumi’s taste in clothing. Even the length pissed her off; it was a respectable mid-thigh with a small split at the back so the wearer could walk. Never again, never a fucking again was Kasumi allowed to pick her a dress.

 

The shoes were black leather with an equally respectable four inch heel, a perfect fit for both her feet and the ridiculous dress. Even the shoes weren’t sexy, what the hell? Apparently Ms Allison Gunn had terrible fashion sense. This was going to be one very long day…

 

“You look great, Shep.” Kasumi told her smiling underneath her hood.

 

Shepard supressed a sigh as she looked in the mirror, she supposed she looked ok. Maybe it would look better once she got her makeup on and did her hair…

 

_____________________________

 

Garrus and Jacob were doing the final checks of the statue Shepard had taken to calling the Trojan horse. He should be going with her, could he really trust the thief to bring her back in one piece, how was he supposed to watch her six when he was stuck on the Normandy. He hadn’t won that discussion…so he had spent most of the early morning checking her armour and weapons, that she had enough thermal clips, that the mods on her SMG were properly installed. He had tweaked them a bit, he had also calibrated her armour’s shielding, she should get a little bit more out of it now and hopefully be that little bit safer.

 

“The Commander will be fine, Vakarian.” Jacob told him as they sealed the statue of Saren up.

 

He didn’t feel like getting into a debate with the man over why he was afraid of her being _‘not fine’_. No need to broadcast his feelings for his commander to anyone, or make them believe he didn’t trust her. No the man was right, she would be fine; it was just hard to get over the fact that his best friend had died the one time he hadn’t been at her six. It was a simple break and enter job, she could do that, hell she had once been a thief just like Kasumi. Even without a gun as a combat engineer she was never truly unarmed as long as she had her omni-tool.

 

“Shepard called this thing a Trojan horse, why?” he asked changing the subject.

 

“Ah, that’s old earth story. It refers to giving the enemy a gift that will help you destroy him. The original story is the Greeks built a huge horse out of wood and hid their soldiers inside, the people of troy thinking it was a sign of piece brought it within their walls. At night, while everyone was celebrating their victory the Greeks crept out of the horse and opened the gates, allowing their army to overrun the town.” Jacob explained. Spirits there was no way he would have understood that.

 

The lift swished open behind them and Shepard walked out, all thoughts of weird human sayings died on his tongue. She was wearing a dress, a _very_ form fitting dress. The black fabric pulled tightly across those things humans called breasts, showed off her tiny waist and hugged her round hips. Sweet spirits, why did her legs look longer? And why did she appear taller? He should probably stop staring now…and clamp down on his subvocals.

 

“Damn…” was whispered beside him, drawing his attention back to Jacob. The man was staring dumbly at her too; his eyes roving her body in a way that made Garrus feel angry.

 

“Never seen a woman in a dress and heels before Jacob?” Shepard asked sounding both amused and pleased by his reaction.

 

“Never seen _you_ in a dress and heels before, Commander.” Jacob muttered out, eyeing her up and down again.

 

“Not all battles are fought in armour, Jacob, hasn’t Miranda taught you that?” Shepard pointed out with a smirk that Garrus didn’t like. Was she flirting? He really hoped she wasn’t flirting with Jacob. Then her eyes were on him, dark blue that matched his colony markings and his ruined armour. “So, Garrus think I’ll do?” she asked him with a smile. 

 

It felt like his brain had skidded to a sudden halt and fallen over. Just what was she asking him? “You’ll do what?” he stumbled out.

 

“I believe the Commander is asking for your opinion on how she looks, Officer Vakarian.” EDI clarified when Shepard just laughed at him and Jacob groaned. What could he possibly say, that he was taken by how small her waist looked, how round her hips were? That he had caught himself staring at her like a fledgling? That he was having trouble keeping his subvocals under control and his mandibles pinned to the side of his face? None of that seemed appropriate, he had no idea how humans complimented each other. 

 

He couldn’t stop his eyes from taking her in again. Her hair was up but it looked different, wisps of blonde framed her face. Her makeup was also different, softer than usual and it didn’t bring out her eye colour as much. The lids were shimmery silver instead of her usual hard rimmed black and her lips were a bright red, like her N7 logo. She looked different, still beautiful for a human but different. Probably not the compliment she was looking for.

 

“You look… good. Am I really the right one to ask?” he stumbled out awkwardly. He knew he had said the wrong thing when her smile dropped a little. Crap. “Why do you look taller, Shepard?” He asked trying to divert her attention away from his blundering.

 

“I’m wearing high heels, although they aren’t as high as I would like.” She told him flatly before she turned around so he could see. It gave him a great view of her bottom, Turian woman didn’t have the same amount of padding there as Humans and Asari but he could definitely see the appeal. The dress clung to it in a way he had only ever seen on Miranda, although he had never stopped to stare at Miranda. The muscles down her legs were more defined than he had ever seen them. Her shoes came down in a point, pushing her up onto the balls of her feel like a Turian. How was she supposed to fight and walk in those, human feet didn’t sit like that?

 

Wait, she wanted them _higher_? “Why would you want them higher? Aren’t they uncomfortable?” he asked confused, Jacob snorted.

 

“Garrus, I used to dance in heels double this height. It’s not really a heel unless there was a chance of breaking your neck if you fall over.” She joked. Well at least Garrus thought she was joking, or rather hoped she was joking but at least she was smiling again. Human women were strange.

 

“Next time I’ll buy you higher shoes, Shep. I think you look lovely.” Kasumi laughed as she put a comforting hand on her shoulder and got a warm smile in return. Maybe, he should have told her she looked beautiful? Kasumi obviously knew the answer Shepard had wanted. 

 

“Thank you. Now is everything ready?” she asked, suddenly all commander.

 

“Yes, Shepard. Everything is ready for your departure, there should be no problems.” He told her, glad the conversation had drifted away from him making an ass of himself. Well no problems with any of your gear at any rate, he lamented resisting the urge to argue with her again.

 

He couldn’t help the feelings of worry that turned in his gut at her going alone, going without him. He also hated the idea that she was going to attract so much male attention dressed like that. Damn dress had revealed everything and nothing at the same time.

 

“One thing about Human women, Garrus. If they ask you for your opinion on how they look the only answer is to tell them they look beautiful.” Jacob told him they entered the lift. He sounded amused. “You’re lucky you didn’t get shot.”

 

Garrus wasn’t sure if that was a joke or not and decided not to ask. “I didn’t hear you telling her she looked beautiful.” He growled out. The man had certainly found her mesmerising in a way that he didn’t like.

 

“She didn’t ask for my opinion. Just remember what I said for next time. Also no matter what you think never give a negative comment on a woman’s appearance.” Jacob laughed.

 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He growled out as the lift doors opened for the crew deck. He didn’t want to be having this conversation with Jacob anymore. What he said did make sense, it explained what he had said wrong it also explained why she had snapped at him and Joker during the mission to get Mordin.

 

_Spirits please let Shepard be alright, don’t take her away again._ He prayed silently as he trudged back to the Main Battery. It was going to be a very long day…

__________________

 

She had liked the way Garrus’s eyes lingered on her, even if he hadn’t given her the compliment she had wanted from him, it had made her feel that maybe this dress wasn’t so ordinary after all and that maybe she might keep it, or at least buy something better. Even seeing Jacob’s jaw drop had been flattering.

 

What was not flattering was the way Donovan Hock’s eyes lingered on her, that made her want to take a shower. The way he leered at her she might as well be wearing a G-string and a bra while dancing around a pole; he had even refused to shake her hand. If this went south, and knowing her luck it probably would, she was going to enjoy putting a bullet in this guy’s head. The first sign that she might just get her wish was when Hock refused Kasumi entry to his mansion. It was a damn good thing that woman had a stealth cloak; she did not want to be in there alone.

 

Hock’s mansion was beautiful, and obscene. It was made from white marble with two large curved staircases leading up from the main hall, everywhere guests were scattered in quiet conversation. She was also underdressed… all the women were wearing beautiful long dresses, they looked sophisticated and elegant…and she looked like a ten dollar whore. This was the last time Kasumi ever picked her outfits.

 

His vault was easily accessed, well at least the first part was. It was right in the main hall, just behind an ornate glass screen. Her statue of Saren was already standing outside the locked vault, ready to be added to the collection once all the guests had gone home.

 

“Very nice. There’s more here than I expected.” Kasumi said as she entered the Vault behind her. “Password protected lock. Kinetic barrier. DNA scanner –looks like an EX-7000 series. Everything a vault needs to be impenetrable.”

 

_Why is everything hard?_ “Is this going to be a problem?” She asked with a sinking feeling that this was definitely going to go sideways and Garrus was going to yell at her. She was an ex-pickpocket and stripper not a god damned fucking bank robber. Ask her to build a mech or a combat turret and she could do it out of scrap metal and a circuit board but she had _no idea about DNA scanners_. Ok, ok calm down, Shepard this is why Kasumi is here, she told herself. Just follow her suggestions and if all else fails… _shoot everybody_.

 

“Please. Remember who you’re talking to. We’ll need to get a voice sample for the voice lock. You’ll go chat up Hock for that. We’ll have to find a password too. DNA? Childs play. We’ll find plenty of that in Hock’s private quarters. And the barrier? Cut the power. Never fails…if we can find it.” Kasumi explained confidently. “Keiji could get through a system like this in his sleep. And I’m better. Let’s get to it.”

 

Well at least Hock was going to be easy, if his leer was anything for her to go on. Powerful men always liked to talk about themselves, some flattery and ego stoking and he would talk until she wanted to kill him. She just hoped she wasn’t going to have to seduce him into bed to get his DNA samples; she would cut his throat before she even let him kiss her.

 

Hock was standing in front of the rather useless but pretty indoor fishpond, talking to some sycophants. He greeted her and this time shook her hand. Getting him to talk was easier than even she had expected, a few choice words about how surely no one would dare break into his home had him giving a grand speech about protecting others from barbarians. She had rearranged her face into a smile of awe and rapt attention and zoned out, the man was ridiculous but he knew how to work a crowd. Kasumi told her that they had enough of a voice sample before he had even finished. What an ass.

 

Everything had gone so according to plan and smoothly that Shepard had become suspicious, nothing ever went according to plan A, unless plan A was shoot everyone and leave. There was barely any resistance in the security room, which didn’t have a panic button, got into Hocks room without anyone batting so much as an eyelid, despite the guards outside. This was definitely a trap and the sooner she got into her armour the better.

 

The Vault was huge, it was a massive bunker filled with amazing artefacts. Of course Kasumi wanted to steal everything, most notably Michael Angelo’s David and some Egyptian bust. Somehow Hock had gotten a prothean statue from Illos; the long dead creature was practically fused into the chair he or she had been sitting on; the head from the statue of liberty and what Kasumi told her was Turian art. The best part, in Shepard’s opinion, was the SMG. The Kassa Locust, a gun that killed two presidents, it was a beautiful weapon.

 

“Oh my god, there it is.” Kasumi exclaimed as Shepard clipped the Locust to her belt, her attention falling on the unassuming transmitter that had been next to the guns. That tiny thing was what they were looking for; it was barely bigger than her hand. Kasumi’s omni-tool began to scan it as she tried to hack it.

 

“Don’t bother Miss Goto. It’s code locked.” The face of Donovan Hock appeared on a projector screen behind the head of the statue of liberty. There it was…the trap sprung and solid proof that plan A had gone to shit. “I had a feeling it was you at the door. I knew if it was really you, you’d get through anyway.”

 

“You know me, I don’t like to disappoint.” Kasumi drawled out, if she was fazed that she had been recognised she didn’t show it.

 

“I need what’s in your greybox, Kasumi. You know I’m willing to kill you for it. I’ll admit your skills are impressive. You got into my vault like I’d left it open. But you’re still going to die, screaming, just like your old friend.” Hock taunted, trying to force Kasumi’s emotions to get the better of her.

 

“Let’s see you try.” Kasumi growled, still completely in control. “This is where your special skills come into play, Shepard. Let’s do this.”

 

__________________________

 

There was an approaching noise, a noise that meant find cover. Birds scattered as a gunship came into view, shields glowing blue and guns blazing. This was going to be tough and the last thing she had ever wanted to see again was a gunship. Suddenly she was glad Garrus wasn’t here for this…it was bad enough the memory of being covered in his blood flashed in her mind.

 

“We could have done this the easy way, Goto. Allow me to show you the hard way.” Hock called over the loud speaker. The security alarms began to sound again, as loud and obnoxious as ever. The bastard wouldn’t be alone for long; they were going to be swarmed.

 

“Kasumi! Get his damned shields down; I’ll wipe out the trash.” She yelled over the sound of heavy gunfire as she summoned her Combat Drone.

 

It was hard to target anything with all the support fire from the gunship and she had long ago lost track of Kasumi. Guards fell left and right as she or her Combat drone removed them, it was true that everyone needed a job but there were standards.

 

“Security mechs, Shepard.” Kasumi called from somewhere nearby.

 

Well things had to get a little easier eventually; she laughed to herself as she pulled out her Omni-tool and started hacking. The firewalls on those things were shit, who was Hock paying for this? Because she thought she should probably send that guy a card, _if_ she hadn’t shot him already.

 

“I’ve got a clear shot. Here we go.” Kasumi yelled as the last of the security mechs exploded killing three guards. That just never got old.

 

Shepard couldn’t help but marvel at the thief’s agility as she watched her run and climb the mess of pipes while somehow dodging all the gunfire. She was like a cat or one of those Geth fuckers that jumped all over the place like frogs. Kasumi took a running leap and landed on the glass window of the gunship, and for a moment time seemed to stand still. Her Omni-tool flared to life and emitted an electrical pulse, destroying the shield in a heartbeat and overloading the ships circuits.  

 

To add insult to injury Kasumi gave Hock a little salute that was actually quite cute before jumping off and landing like a cat on the ground. “Shields down, lets tear that thing apart.” She growled as Shepard pulled out her rocket launcher.

 

Being emotional was the number one way to get yourself and others killed, but that being said Shepard felt like she had developed a sort of grudge against gunships after what had happened to Garrus. This grudge could only be solved by blowing up the offending weapon with a rocket launcher. Gods she was going to have nightmares tonight about being covered in blue ink but at least this time she was the only one who had been shot.

 

“It’s too late to get out of this alive, Kasumi.” Hock called over the loud speaker, still thinking that he had a chance.

 

He was too busy shooting at Kasumi to notice her; she took aim and fired her rocket. It smashed into the cockpit of the gunship, probably killing Hock instantly, and then exploded. The boom made her ears ring with white noise as she watched the fiery wreckage fall into the surrounding ocean. There was no chance of survival, which meant one less egotistical billionaire on a power trip.

 

“What was that you were just saying you asshole?” She muttered as she put her launcher away. “All clear for the shuttle, Joker.” She paged through the comm. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very unimpressed with this dress, especially in comparison to all the other dresses at the party. It was rather uninspiring. 
> 
> Don't get me wrong, she rocked the shit out of that dress. she just personally didn't feel like she did because it wasn't her style.


	13. The Bleeding loss of blood runs cold

Garrus had spent most of the day distracted, despite his best efforts he was in no mood to calibrate or run firing algorithms but he had needed to do something to take his mind off all the ways Kasumi’s mission could go wrong and his Mantis was already clean enough to eat off. He hated being left behind; should have found another way in the second he had failed to convince her to take him. Maybe he was being too over protective; she had been through worse things before she had met him.

 

He just couldn’t go through her death again…

 

“Officer Vakarian, the shuttle will be docking in five minutes. Miss Goto has requested your assistance with the Commander, I have just notified Dr Chakwas.” EDI’s blue avatar popped up and notified him. It was the result he had spent the last several hours trying not to think about… How in the hell had she managed to get shot this time?

 

The words had barely finished echoing around the room before Garrus was out the door and running down the hallway. The mess was vacant except for Jacob, Donnelly and Daniels who were sitting at the foremost table playing cards. All three looked up as he passed on the way to the lift.

 

The shuttle had just landed in the docking bay as the lift doors opened. A multibillion dollar organization and they hadn’t thought to make the lift any quicker, he fumed silently.

 

She was barely conscious when he climbed in the shuttle to pick her up, her red blood staining the upholstery of the shuttle seats. She was pale and limp in his arms as he hoisted her up into his arms. Garrus was unable to suppress the low angry growl that escaped his subvocals at seeing Shepard in this state. He would have words with Kasumi after he got her to med bay; find out what in the spirits had gone wrong.

 

He studied her as he carried her to the lift, one bullet wound to the shoulder, two in her abdomen. One looked like it came from a Gunship… spirits how pear-shaped had that mission gone if there had been a gunship involved. Her breathing was shallow, her brows furrowed in pain and every so often she muttered something he couldn’t quite hear but it sounded suspiciously like _‘I’m sorry, Garrus’_ and _‘I’m fine, stop fussing’_. Kasumi was still visible and at his side as the doors closed, she looked tired, not that he cared and paler than usual.

 

“I didn’t even know she was injured until she collapsed sideways in the shuttle and I saw the blood.” Kasumi suddenly blurted out from his side, as the doors opened to the crew deck.

 

Typical Shepard. He would have known, would have seen the signs of injury on her face and in her body language. Smelt the blood on her, stupid omnivores and their underdeveloped senses. The logical part of his brain, the part that wasn’t consumed by a red haze of anger the colour of her blood, knew he should cut the woman some slack. This was the first time she had been on a ground mission with Shepard and she hadn’t been aboard the Normandy for long. She had no idea how Shepard worked, no idea that she was the kind of woman to tell everyone she was fine even when she was bleeding out all over the carpet.

 

Chakwas was waiting anxiously in the med bay with Mordin when he entered the sanitised room. “Put her over here, Garrus.” She told him, her voice calm and collected despite her personal feelings. He laid her as gently as he could on the small white medical bed, drops of blood stained the pristine cover as he lowered her down. He heard her mumble again as he pulled his arms out from under her limp body, he had to fight the urge to press his forehead to hers; the doc would save her.

 

“Not good, back just in time. Might have bled out otherwise. Need you to leave. Will notify when patient is stable.” Mordin said as he waved his Omni-tool over Shepard, not looking at Garrus as he looked at her readings.  

 

____________________

_“Shep! Shep!” Kasumi was yelling at her, she couldn’t quite see her face but no one could ever see Kasumi’s face. Why was she yelling…?_

_Everything was so blurry, like watching the world flow past underwater. Or smeared grease on the bridge cameras. Strong arms under her back and kneels. Was that armour? Grunt? No the body was growling… Garrus… why was Garrus here? He was safe on the Normandy._

_“I’m fine, stop fussing.” She tried to tell him. Why was he here? And why was he growling? Oh that’s right, she had been shot. Bullets shredding her shield, so many guards… and a gunship. A low hum, the blue glow of active shielding, large slugs rip though armour like a knife through butter…_

_No she didn’t want this… he can’t die after she had just found him. Oh gods don’t take him away… please…so much blood… how do I stop it? Why can’t I stop it? Make it stop? Please… someone… no stay with me, don’t leave me…_

_“I’m sorry, Garrus.” She hadn’t been there, why had she left him all alone. No… make the bleeding stop, please, stop the bleeding. Blue everywhere, make it stop…_

_“…will notify you when patient is stable.” Was that Mordin? Why was he here? Where was she? A hard flat surface under her, the arms are leaving._

_Kaidan’s back as he walks away, he’s angry. ‘You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me.’ The words are harsh, a stab in the back from someone she had trusted. How did I fail to get your trust so badly? What should I have done? Why are you punishing the colonists?_

_‘You make me feel human again, Shepard.’ Why should you rely on me to make you feel human? I don’t understand. It had sounded so sweet and endearing but it had been wrong._

_‘Tell my sisters I love them, Skipper.’ Why do I have to make such a choice, why must I choose between my friend and my current lover? Save one or lose them both… save Ash and protect the bomb or save Kaidan and Kirahee’s team. Fifteen lives for the price of one…_

_“Why didn’t you save Ash? Why did you pick me?” angry accusing, survivors guilt but still unfair. Fifteen lives for the price of one… It had been the right choice. Tried to explain… he’s not a leader, he’s never made the tough calls. He still blames me for it; he refuses to see the logic behind the decision._

_“Damn it, I thought I took that thing out already!” Garrus called from behind a nearby crate as he loaded a new heat sink into his gun. No please, I don’t want to watch that again._

_Blue blood pools across the broken floor, the colour of his colony markings. His face is badly burned, the blood pours from his throat. His armour is still smoking from the explosion… a gurgle in his throat that means he’s alive and drowning in his own blood. Gods what do I do? The blood won’t stop. It’s everywhere._

 

“…should have told Kasumi you were injured.” A flanged voice keened.

 

Feint sounds all around; a low quiet hum underlines all the ambient noises she can’t place. She knows that hum, the soft vibration that runs through her body. She can’t sleep without it anymore, it’s like the loss of a limb; she’s on the Normandy. How did she get back on the ship?

 

The smell of antiseptic and sterilizer, it was mixed with the tanginess of metal. She hated this smell, it always burned her nose. Made it hurt to breathe. She would know this smell even in death, med bays, and hospitals. No matter what or where they were they all smelt the same.

 

The low keening was beside her, so low she might not have heard it but Chakwas ran a quiet med bay. Pain shot through her, daggers in her shoulder and her stomach felt like someone had cut it open. Ah she had been shot. Shot and in the med bay, she had left Garrus behind. It had made him angry. But why was he keening? The fight to consciousness was like swimming upstream.

 

_‘Wake up, Commander.’_

 

No, no she wasn’t in the facility. She wasn’t there anymore. She could feel her breathing quicken. Gods if she could just open her eyes she would see she wasn’t in that facility anymore. It’s just a memory. Why can’t she open her eyes?

 

_‘Shepard, your scars aren’t healed but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack.’_

 

She needed to wake up now, now before the mechs got into the room. She felt panic in her chest, every breath hurt. She had to get out of here...she had to… A warm hand touches her head, gently stroking her hair. Gentle talons prick at her skull…Garrus. The keening changed to a low cooing sound, it’s calming, calm washed over her like waves. She’s safe, Garrus is here. No facility, no waking up alone, no space, plenty of air and no mechs. Her lids are heavy, heavy like the weights she lifts in the shuttle bay and everything is white when she finally wrenches them open.

 

As her vision settles everything comes into focus, the metal ceiling, high white curtains to keep her from view and blue at her side. Turning her head is a struggle, she feels sluggish and slow, and whatever they gave her from the pain is wearing off. She feels like she’s been put through the ringer. Familiar silver plating and ice blue eyes meet hers. They are full of worry but she could see anger in them too, burning below the surface, always ready to explode and consume everything. He’s always so angry. His mandibles flare out in a Turian smile showing all his needle sharp teeth; the comforting coo changing to a purr she could just hear. He should make that noise more often; it makes him sound like a cat.

 

“Hey.” She croaks out. Her throat is dry and cracking, it felt like sandpaper. She needed water but her tongue was thick and stuck in her mouth like cotton wool.

 

“Welcome back. I hear the party was fun.” Garrus joked bringing a glass to her mouth; he had known what she needed before she had even had to ask. She couldn’t hear the purr when he spoke, it’s was too low but it vibrated through the glass he held.

 

“Thanks.” She said more clearly, her voice just that little bit stronger.

 

“How do you feel?” he asked, his concern ringing out in the room. She could see that he was going to lecture her; concern was slowly being replaced by anger.

 

‘Like I got shot.” She chuckled weakly. Ow, that hurt.

 

“Only you could go to a fancy party and get shot at, Shepard.” Garrus growled out. “A Gunship, Shepard. Really? You know that thing called cover; you’re supposed to get behind it.” How many times had she told him that on their hunt for Saren? The shoe was on the other foot now and he was going to rub her nose in it like a bad puppy.

 

“Ow, don’t make me laugh.” She chuckled ruefully. She wouldn’t tell him, she wouldn’t tell him how she had frozen for a second lost in a bad memory when the gunship came out. “I’m sorry.” She apologised broadly. Sorry for worrying him, sorry for being careless, sorry for dragging his ass into the med bay so that she wouldn’t wake up alone again and freak out and sorry she had nearly died again. The only thing was she couldn’t promise him that she would never do it again, couldn’t promise that because they both knew that she would break it. _Don’t make promises you can’t keep._

 

“Don’t do that again.” He scolded as he leant forwards and butted the side of her head with his as his subvocals keened again for a few moments. That action told her everything she needed to know about how bad her wounds had been, and how much she had scared him. It was hard to lift her hand and it was a colossal effort to bring it to the back of his head, to return the affection. But she did it, somehow brought her hand up to lie partially against the rough yet smooth plates that protected the back of his neck and the softer leathery hide that covered the side of his throat. He was warm against her hand; his fawn coloured hide was a few degrees warmer than the average human.

 

“I’ll try.” She promised. It was the best she could do and they both knew it. It would have to be enough for him. Ugh, she felt so tired again, despite the pain or perhaps because of the pain. “Sleepy” she mumbled as the unexpected feeling over took her. Everything hurt but it felt like she was drowning again, suddenly keeping her eyes open was just too much effort.

 

“Sleep, Shepard. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He murmured into her hair as the soothing, calming rumble came back into his chest.


	14. Some Say in Ice.

Ever since she had found him on Omega there had been an anger in Garrus that she couldn’t ease, it wasn’t the hot fire of temper either it ran so much deeper than that, it was the icy fire of cold deadly rage that always burned just below the surface. No matter how much they joked together, watched vids or built ships it was always there, waiting.

 

When he came into the med bay two days after Kasumi’s mission, he was a Turian on a mission. The slow burning behind his eyes was a raging fire, burning into his very body language and harmonics. She could practically see it and she knew that now was the time to deal with it. No matter how tired and sore she was, it was time to deal with it before it consumed him and everything her friend had once been or could be was gone. She had known ever since he had first told her that they would need to deal with this before he could move on, apparently now was the time.

 

“Shepard, I’m glad you’re awake. I’ve got something; I may need your help.” He informed her, strangely neutral despite the anger in his eyes. “You remember Sidonis? The one who betrayed my team? I’ve got a lead on him.”

 

Ah, Sidonis; like she would ever be able to forget about him after the way he had hurt her friend. She would finally be able to meet the person who had riddled Garrus with self-doubt, anger and guilt. Hopefully they would be able to get him the closure he needed.

 

“There’s a specialist on the Citadel; name’s Fade. He’s an expert at making people disappear. Sidonis was last seen with him.” Garrus continued when she didn’t answer him.

 

“What are you planning to do when you find him?” She asked, suspecting the answer.

 

“You humans have a saying ‘an eye for an eye, a life for a life’, he owes me ten lives and I plan to collect.” He growled, but his voice was still cold. She had never before been afraid of Garrus but this wasn’t Garrus, this was Archangel, and she was a little afraid of Archangel.

 

“You sure that’s how you want to play it?” Shepard asked feeling concerned. Revenge did no one any good, it was the hot headed decision made by the overly emotionally involved that led to a life time of regret and she didn’t want that for Garrus.

 

“I’m sure. I don’t need you to agree with me, but I’d like your help.” He dismissed her concern in a rush.

 

“Where do we find Fade?” She would go along with his plan; she would meet Sidonis and make her own judgment on him before she made a decision. He was unquestionably a coward but was he malicious, did he betray them on purpose or had he just been backed into a corner? There were so many unanswered questions.

 

“I’ve arranged a meeting in a warehouse near the neon markets, down on Zakera ward.” He explained before his tone and demeanour softened a little. “Thanks, Shepard. I appreciate you taking the time to help me.”

 

She was pretty sure that no matter how this played out, he wasn’t going to thank her for it in the end. Whether she let him go through with it or stood in his way, she was positive he wouldn’t thank her for it. That was going to be her burden to bear both as his commanding officer and his friend.

 

She watched him leave the med bay with a sinking feeling. No matter how this played out he was going to be hurt and she hated it. “EDI, tell Joker to set course for the Citadel.” She commanded.

 

“Right away, Shepard. ETA 2 hours, Commander.” EDI confirmed. It was going to be a long two hours.

 

_______________________

 

If she had thought Garrus was angry when he had first come to speak to her, she had been sadly mistaken. He had been angry at C-Sec when they had talked to Bailey about Fade and angry with the Volus pretending to be Fade but that had been nothing compared to his rage at seeing that worthless excuse for a person Harkin. It figured that slimy little thresher maw was in on this, maybe she should have shot him back in Cora’s den during the hunt for Saren. Gods knew their 5 second conversation had made her trigger finger itchy.

 

“You worked with Harkin back at C-Sec?” She asked him, as they looked out over the back of the factory district they were currently chasing that piece of Varren meat through. The landscape was full of cargo crates, construction supplies and trucks.

 

“Yeah. He was a pain in the ass back then too. But I’m in no mood for his games. If he doesn’t cooperate, I’ll beat him to within an inch of his life.” He snarled savagely his anger clearly getting the better of him. This, this was not Garrus…

 

“You seem to be getting tense, Garrus.” She hinted extremely worried about his mental state.

 

“Harkin may know why Sidonis wanted to disappear. If so, he knows why we’re here and I don’t want him tipping Sidonis off.” That was true; Garrus needed answers whether he knew it anymore or not.

 

He wasn’t even looking at her; he had gone back to avoiding eye contact with her for whatever reason, determinedly staring out at the factory. She itched to make him look at her but decided against it, instead following his gaze out the window. Something moved in the distance, a tiny flicker she would have thought she had imagined if Garrus hadn’t raised his gun and crouched down too.

 

“Did you see that?” he asked sounding unsure for the first time.

 

“I saw something.” She answered thinking it was probably more mechs. Hopefully it was more mechs.

 

“He’s getting ready for us.” He said, as if it wasn’t painfully obvious. Well if its mechs let him. In the end it won’t make one bit of difference.

 

“What are you going to do to Harkin if he won’t cooperate?”

 

“He’s a real criminal now, working for the blue suns. I should just shoot him on sight. But I need him alive so I won’t do any permanent damage. Just enough to loosen his tongue.” Archangel explained. This was Archangel, the ruthless vigilante from Omega.

 

“You don’t need to hurt him to get what you want.” She voiced knowing she needed to temper him a little.

 

“Don’t worry, Harkin’s a coward. He’ll talk long before I can really hurt him.” He said dismissively. It was not entirely reassuring but it was something.

 

“You still planning to kill Sidonis when we find him?” Shepard asked. She knew the answer to this too but if they didn’t talk about it nothing would change.

 

“That’s the plan. It’ll be quick and painless. Unlike everyone he betrayed he’ll be spared the agony of a slow death. It’s more than he deserves but as long as he’s dead, I’ll be satisfied.” Archangel confirmed. No you really won’t, you just don’t realise it yet.

 

“Garrus, do you really think killing Sidonis will make this right?” She questioned quietly.

 

“I know you don’t like it, Shepard. But I have to do this.” There was a hint of regret in his voice but regret at what she wasn’t certain. She wondered it if was regret that she didn’t understand or regret because she disapproved and he didn’t want to lose her approval.

 

“Is there no other way?” She was practically begging but didn’t allow it to enter her voice.

 

“Maybe, but this is personal.” He explained with a slight nod. “I’ll pull the trigger, and I’ll live with the consequences. All I’m asking is that you help me find him.” He growled.

 

Too personal, this was too personal for him he was blinded by his rage. The only upside was that he realised it at least. Unfortunately _‘I’ll live with the consequences’_ was what she was worried about the most. In his rage and guilt he didn’t care that he might spend the rest of his life regretting this. Just like, in her grief and loneliness Kasumi had wanted to keep Keiji’s greybox, despite meaning she would never be able to mourn and move on.

 

“Well there’s one way to find out.” She sighed, resigned. If she didn’t help him she wouldn’t be _able_ to help him, because she would lose the right.

 

“Right behind you.” He declared, sounding more like her Garrus than he had in the last half an hour.

 

The warehouse was full of more of the same, an endless supply of security mechs with a few unfortunate blue suns guards thrown in for variety. Shepard wasn’t sure why Harkin was even bothering at this point, the last acts of a desperate man who knew he was in some deep, _deep_ shit most likely, but he was now trapped at the back of the complex with no way out. The bunker he had locked himself in while controlling all the mechs and factory equipment had two exits, the plan obviously was for her to go in one the same time Garrus snuck in the other.

 

Harkin jumped back when she rounded the corner with her gun raised, when he saw that she wasn’t going to open fire on him he started backing away. Foolishly thinking there was still an escape path for him, no wonder he hadn’t lasted at C-Sec.

 

“You were close, but not close enough.” He taunted running for the door, unfortunately for him his sentence was cut off by the butt of a rifle to the face.

 

Shepard watched as Garrus dragged him viciously like a rag doll back the way he had scrambled and smashed him bodily into the unforgiving metal wall with a thud. Ouch that had to hurt, she thought with a wince putting her gun away. Garrus held him against the wall with a heavily armoured arm across his throat and growled. “So, Fade…couldn’t make yourself disappear, huh?”

 

“Come on Garrus. We can work this out. Whaddaya need?” Harkin practically purred, as a good natured smile came to his face but didn’t quite meet his eyes. It was just enough compliance to make Garrus release him.

 

Trusting that she was still watching Harkin, Garrus turned away so that no one could see his face and walked a few steps. “I’m looking for someone.” he explained in a deceptively mild voice. It was so deceptively mild that it merely sounded like he was standing at an information desk asking for directions.

 

“Well, I guess we both have something the other one wants.” Harkin answered being taken in by the voice completely. His guard was completely lowered and he was cracking his neck, the picture of an idiot oblivious to the bad mood of the predator in front of him.

 

Garrus rounded on him, but even that was deceptively calm. Harkin raised his hands in supplication and for a moment, just a split second was lured into thinking Garrus wouldn’t hurt him, then Garrus kneed in him the stomach with all the anger she knew was boiling within him.

 

“We’re not here to ask for favours, Harkin.” She informed him as she crossed her arms over her chest. It was time for her to step in; the idiot was falling for Garrus’s act like a teenager in a love story.

 

“You don’t say.” He wheezed after he pulled himself to his feet. That had to have hurt, Turians weren’t exactly squishy.

 

 “You helped a friend of mine disappear. I need to find him.” Garrus told him calmly and reasonably; only the tightness of his mandibles gave him away and only because she knew him and what to look for.

 

“I might need a little more information than that.” There was a note of defeat in Harkin’s voice; one more push should do it.

 

“His name was Sidonis. Turian, came from the…” Garrus began.

 

“I know who he is, and I’m not telling you squat.” Harkin cut off angrily like he had just been asked to sell out his own family. 

 

“Harkin, this doesn’t have to be hard.” She injected trying to reason with him before Garrus could break him. She’d really prefer this stupid man didn’t push Garrus too far, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to pull him back.

 

“Screw you. I don’t give out client information. It’s bad for business.” Harkin snapped digging his own grave and paying for the funeral as well. She couldn’t stop the wince, knowing what Garrus’s reaction was going to be.

 

The reprisal was so fast. A swift knee to the gut put Harkin on the floor with a grunt before Garrus put a very large, armoured foot on the struggling man’s neck and stepped. “You know what else is bad for business? A broken neck.” Her friend snarled more viciously than she had ever heard him.

 

“Alright! Alright! Get off me!” Harking yelled his arms flailing around, as much as someone could yell while having their throat stepped on by a Turian. Shepard stepped forwards and put a hand on his back when he hesitated in letting Harkin up. “Terminus really changed you, huh, Garrus?” Harkin groaned as he struggled to catch his breath.

 

“No, but Sidonis…opened my eyes. Now arrange a meeting.” Garrus said in a flat tone.

 

It did change you Garrus, Shepard thought silently. It really did, and how could it not? How could you not change so you could survive? Even if you hadn’t become a vigilante you would still have been just that little bit darker; just that little bit colder just from having lived there. It was the same with street life.

 

Harkin stood up, not much the worse for wear and looked over at the computer terminal just a few feet away. She could see the gears in his head turning as he struggled to see a way out of his current situation without ratting out his client. When Garrus nodded his head again in the direction of the terminal, Harkin’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “I’m going.” He sighed.

 

“Yeah, it’s me. There’s a chance your identity may be compromised.” Harkin told the computer terminal, but Shepard wasn’t watching the computer terminal and Harkin. She was watching Garrus watch Harkin with a predatory gleam in his eye. He pulled out his pistol and looked at it; it was a silent indication of what he planned to do.

 

“That’s why I’m calling. I’m sending an agent. Where do you want to meet?” Harkin was still talking to Sidonis and completely oblivious to Garrus’s intentions. For the first time since the mission began Garrus looked at her, well looked past her and nodded, she shook her head silently trying to convince him not to do what he was planning.

 

“Alright he’ll be there. Don’t worry… I got it covered.” She heard Harkin reassure Sidonis. There was nothing in his voice to say he was setting the man up, nothing in his demeanour either now that she thought about it. How many people had he sold out to save his own skin, she wondered. He looked like an old pro.

 

Garrus had his back to Harkin when the conversation ended but he turned immediately when the man started to speak. “It’s all good. He wants to meet you in front of Orbital Lounge. Middle of the day. So if our business is done, I’ll be…”

 

“I don’t think so. You’re a criminal now, Harkin.” Garrus snarled, grabbing the front of the man’s shirt. Harkin was surprised, caught off guard. She wasn’t surprised, Harkin didn’t know this Garrus and the idiot had already pushed him far enough already.

 

“So what…you’re just going to kill me? That’s not your style, Garrus.” Harkin croaked, rather confidently and stared him down. No that had never been Garrus’s style but that was Archangel’s.

 

Garrus considered it for a moment before stepping back and shaking his head. She let out the breath she hadn’t known she had been holding, he wasn’t completely unreasonable yet, a little piece of him was still in there. “Kill you? No. but I don’t mind slowing you down a little.” He informed him, raising his pistol towards Harkin’s knee cap.

 

Nope, that’s enough of that, she thought as she pulled his gun up as hard as she could. “You don’t need to shoot him. He won’t be able to hide from C-Sec now.” She told him as he struggled in her hold. He was angry with her for interfering. If glares could kill she’s be stone dead.

 

“I guess it’s your lucky day.” He purred angrily after she let him go.

 

“Yeah, I hope we can do this again _real_ soon.” Harking mocked, wiping the sweat off his forehead. Satisfied that he wasn’t going to shoot the stupid human anymore she turned to leave, only to hear the sickening crunch of a head butt.

 

“I didn’t shoot him.” Garrus told her as he fell into step behind her. There was no point in saying anything, he hadn’t shot Harkin and that was something, also if anyone deserved a Turian head butt it was him. 

 

“Come on. Let’s move.” She indicated. They had four hours until the meet up and the sooner he was away from Harkin the less likely he was to change his mind and shoot him.

 

Garrus was quiet as he drove them back up to the wards, they still had a while to wait but it was obvious Garrus was in no mood to do that back at the ship. It was obvious that he had things he wanted to say to her but was content to stew in it until they were parked. Probably for the best, Shepard had never driven a skycar before and having to take the wheel because the Turian driver became enraged was probably not the best learning curve.

 

“Harkin’s a bloody menace. We shouldn’t have just let him go. He deserved to be punished.” Garrus growled out after he had turned the car off. He was more wound up and agitated than she had ever seen him and it was worrying. When you started punishing people for being a ‘bloody menace’ there was no going back, next was punishing people for looking at you wrong.

 

“I’m getting a little worried about you, Garrus. You were pretty hard on Harkin.” He was too angry to even see how wrong what he said was, he was starting to sound like Jack and Zaeed.

 

“You don’t think he deserved it?” He asked sounding surprised.

 

“It’s just not like you.” She told him with a shrug as she looked away. She had no idea how to even begin calming him down and that was scaring her. It was like she had just barely escaped losing him to that rocket only to lose him to his anger.

 

“What do you want from me, Shepard? What would you do if someone betrayed you?” He questioned turning away from her and she wondered what kind of expression he was wearing. What did she want? She _wanted_ her friend back, she _wanted_ him to forget about getting revenge and just grieve for his squad, and she _wanted_ him to be happy.

 

Shepard sighed; technically Kaidan was the only person who had ever come close to betraying her, though it was more that he betrayed the cause rather than her personally. All those times on Earth technically weren’t betrayal; you can’t be betrayed by someone you don’t trust. Street life was hard and careless trust got you sold into slavery or stabbed in the back. “I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t let it change me.” She sighed knowing this wasn’t the answer he wanted.

 

“I would’ve said the same thing before it happened to me.” Garrus snapped finally looking her in the eye.

 

“It’s not too late. You don’t have to go through with this.” She practically pleaded. If she could just talk him out of this ridiculous idea of revenge before he ruined his life… 

 

“Who’s going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don’t? Nobody else knows what he’s done. Nobody else cares. I don’t see any other option.” He told her heatedly. That’s because you don’t want to look for it, she thought desperately. 

 

“Let me talk to him.” She suggested resisting the urge to point out that she cared and that revenge and justice weren’t the same thing.

 

“Talk all you want but it won’t change my mind. I don’t care what his reasons were, he screwed us…he deserves to die.” Garrus said resigned and leaning back against the headrest. She knew Garrus, he might be angry but Sidonis had been his friend, it was why the whole ordeal was hitting him so badly but once his anger faded that would be what he would remember, Sidonis would just be another friend and squad member he hadn’t been able to protect. There was no way she could let him go through with his revenge.

 

“I understand what you’re going through… but do you really want to kill him?” she worried. The way he had said the words _‘deserves to die’_ scared her more than she would ever admit. For a little bit she had thought maybe she might talk him down but she had a sinking feeling this was going to require drastic measures and that she would lose him for it.

 

“I appreciate your concern… but I’m not you.” he proclaimed. No one was saying he should be…

 

“This isn’t you either.” She added. It wasn’t him, this wasn’t the Garrus who always watched her six and made her laugh. The one who stubbornly wanted to change the galaxy and make it a better place, who wanted justice… right now that Garrus was hanging by a thread about to be consumed.

 

“Really? I’ve always hated injustice. The thought that Sidonis could get away with this… Why should he go on living while ten good men lie in unmarked graves? I’m sorry, Shepard. Words aren’t going to solve this.” He insisted harshly, staring straight ahead. “I need to set up.” He declared, ending their conversation. She had failed to convince him and now he was no longer prepared to listen.

 

He paused, surveying the surrounding area with sniper’s eyes, his head twitching back and forth. “I can get a clear shot from over there.” He said pointing at a nearby building. Inwardly she sighed. 

 

“What do you need me to do?” She asked, no longer really caring. He was forcing her hand.

 

“Keep him talking and don’t get in my way. I’ll let you know when he’s in my sights.” He told her as she turned to stare at him. She looked away when he continued. “Give me a signal when you’re ready, and I’ll take the shot. You better go he’ll be here soon.”

 

She watched him quietly as he got out of the car and went towards the position he had pointed out. His tone had been harsh when he said _‘don’t get in my way’_ ; would he shoot her just to get a clear shot at Sidonis? She couldn’t help but wonder; not that there was any point in worrying about something that would be put to the test in little over an hour. 


	15. When emotion overrules reason.

When it was time for the plan to commence she got out of the car with a heavy feeling in her heart. “Shepard, can you hear me?” His flanged voice called over the comm as she slammed the door shut.

 

“Loud and clear.” She answered in an empty tone. If he noticed he said nothing about it.

 

The Orbital Lounge was busy, it just showed how impaired his judgment was that he was prepared to murder someone in a crowded area. Inwardly she sighed again, even if Sidonis was the worst scum to walk the Galaxy she wouldn’t be able to allow him to go through with it, not in such a crowded area.

 

The only Turian that stood out to her was the one sitting on a couch near the stairs, wearing the navy blue and red Civvies. His plates were a similar colour as Garrus’s, silver but without the darker touches of black at the ends. His hide was also a steel silver colour and his colony markings were lilac. From what she knew of Turian beauty standards this Turian looked to be an attractive male, or would be if his shoulders weren’t hunched and his eyes weren’t darting around. Shame, guilt and fear were the emotions she read off his body language, this must be Sidonis.

 

“Alright, there he is. Wave him over and keep him talking.” Garrus confirmed in her ear.

 

He looked up at her when she stopped in the middle of the walk way and pretended to look around. Even if she hadn’t already figured it out it was painfully obvious that he was the one she was looking for. He stared at her for a moment longer after she waved him over. What was Garrus waiting for? Surely he could have taken the shot by now…

 

Part of her expected to hear the sound of a sniper slug hit plating and see the spray of blood as the Turian in front of her just stared. But it didn’t happen. Sidonis just pushed himself off the couch and slowly walked towards her, looking left and right like a scared deer as he approached her.

 

Had something she said to Garrus sunk in…? He could have killed this guy ten times over by now if he wanted to. Hope flared inside her, that maybe he could be swayed from this path without her losing his friendship. Surely if he was so dead set for revenge this guy would have been dead before she had realised who he was. Oh please let that be the case.

 

His eyes were grey, she noticed as he stopped in front of her. Grey eyes and white face plates, a strip of purple down his chin. “Let’s get this over with.” He drawled out, hastily. She had seen a lot of different traitors in her life up till now, the kind who had done it for money, the kind who had done it for power and the kind who had done it out of fear. This guy she put into the latter category.

 

“You’re in my shot, move aside.” Garrus informed her, the anger back in his voice but there was also something more there. Was that hesitation? Like hell Garrus, she thought. If he couldn’t take the shot without her approval then he would be waiting until the universe ended.

 

“Listen, Sidonis. I’m here to help you.” She told the antsy Turian in front of her kindly.

 

“Don’t ever say that name aloud.” He growled taking a menacing step forward. Was it growling? He didn’t sound angry, just afraid. Afraid of an angry Garrus with his sights set on the back of her head.

 

“I’m a friend of Garrus’s. He wants you dead but I’m hoping that’s not necessary.” She informed him, hoping just a little that she would still be able to call herself that when all this was done.

 

“Garrus? Is this some kind of joke…?” he squeaked shifting nervously. Here was another Turian who didn’t have all his faculties, why did he pick the Citadel as a place to hide out?  Why not some backwater Turian Colony? Unless he had been expecting Mercs instead?

 

“Damn it, Shepard. If he moves I’m taking the shot.” Garrus informed her over the comm. He didn’t sound happy with her but he wasn’t seething angry with her either.

 

“You’re not kidding are you?” Sidonis concluded when she became distracted by her comm. “Screw this. I’m not sticking around to find out. Tell Garrus I had my own problems…” He said freaking out and turning to leave.

 

She reached out quickly to grab his arm before he could even take a step away from her. Idiot. Did he really think Garrus wasn’t already here? “Don’t move.”

 

“Get off me!” He yelled swatting her hand away. His level of panic at being touched was just a little too much towards a stranger, just a touch too desperate. That was concerning.

 

“I’m the only thing standing between you and a hole in the head.” She growled a warning.

 

“Fuck” was all he said as the realisation of his current predicament caught up to him. “I didn’t want to do it… I didn’t have a choice.” 

 

Shepard had listened in silence to his terrible explanation; it was what everyone said to justify their own shitty decision making. “Everyone has a choice.” Garrus growled down her comm, equally unimpressed.

 

She didn’t know if he had heard Garrus or if the expression on her face had given her thoughts away but he continued. “They got to me. Said they’d kill me if I didn’t help. What was I supposed to do?” he gestured.

 

“Let me take the shot, Shepard. He’s a damned coward.” Garrus asked over the comm. He was still too angry to read between the lines of what Sidonis was saying or rather to hear what Sidonis was not saying.

 

“That’s it? You were just trying to save yourself?” She asked annoyed, moving to follow him as he began to walk to the banister near the stairs. Garrus wouldn’t have recruited and trusted a coward. 

 

“I know what I did. I know they died because of me, and I have to live with that.” Sidonis answered leaning over the railing. Depression, grief and guilt rang in his subvocals; it was a low dead keening. “I wake up every night…sick… and sweating. Each of their faces staring at me…accusing me. I’m already a dead man. I don’t sleep, food has no taste. Some days I just want it to be over.” He continued there was nothing in his posture or flange that said he was lying.

 

She could practically feel Garrus’s resolve weakening and the anger behind the eyes on the back of her head draining away. He understood as well as she did. The mercs had caught him and tortured him, in a moment of weakness and pain he had given up the location of his squad. The Turian in front of them was just as much of a victim and if Garrus shot him he would definitely regret it for the rest of his life.

 

“Just give me the chance.” Garrus declared but there was no heat in it, there was some residual anger left but all the cold fury was gone.

 

“You’ve got to let it go, Garrus. He’s already paying for his crime.” She told him. The best punishment for Sidonis was to let him live with his guilt, she had a feeling he would never betray anyone again. His blood shouldn’t be on Garrus’s hands.

 

“He hadn’t paid enough. He still has his life.” Garrus replied, trying to cling to his anger.

 

“Look at him, Garrus. He’s not alive… there’s nothing left to kill.” She answered, deliberately turning to give him a free shot at the dejected Turian beside her and just like earlier he didn’t take the shot.

 

“My men…they deserved better.” He keened out over her comm. No one is debating that, Garrus, she thought sadly.

 

“Tell, Garrus… I guess there’s nothing I can say to make it right…” Sidonis mumbled behind her, not looking at her or even in Garrus’s direction. At least he knew that much. Part of her was still angry at him, angry at him for what he had done for her friend but the other part of her just wanted to put her arms around him and comfort him, but comforting Garrus was more important. It took a strong person to hold out under torture, to not speak no matter the pain. Few people were that strong and in the end he was just another victim of her mercs.

 

“Just… go. Tell him to go.” Garrus mumbled hesitantly.

 

“He’s giving you a second chance, Sidonis. Don’t waste it.” She relayed managing somehow to keep her feelings out of her voice.

 

“I’ll try, Garrus. I’ll make it up to you, somehow.” He responded, standing up straight. He looked determined and grateful but still despondent. “Thank you. For talking to him.” He told her gratefully but it made a flash of anger flare in her.

 

“I didn’t do it for you.” She sighed, holding onto her temper. How dare he thank her as if she did it to save him, he might also be just another victim but that doesn’t mean she was prepared to forgive him for hurting Garrus. She turned round and walked away before he could say anything, before he could rile her up.

 

It felt like an impossibly long walk back to the skycar. No one in the lounge was aware of how close they came to being witnesses to a murder and no one was aware that she had just put herself in front of a very angry sniper and his target. She was pleased with how it had turned out; or rather she would be pleased if she was sure Garrus would forgive her for this. He didn’t take long to appear, maybe ten minutes, stormed up to her in a rush that wasn’t quite angry.

 

“I know you want to talk about this, but I don’t. Not yet” he told her before she could say anything.

 

Tough luck, big guy, I’m not letting you stew over this any longer than you have been. “I know it didn’t go the way you planned, but it’s for the best.” She told him gently.

 

He turned away from her, resignation and frustration apparent in his shoulders. If he had been in a better mood he would have rolled his eyes at her. “I’m not so sure…”

 

“Give it time.”

 

“Yeah. Maybe that’ll be enough.” Garrus stated sounding dejectedly. He was pacing a little and not looking at her. “I want to know I did the right thing. Not just for me…for my men. They deserved to be avenged. But when Sidonis was in my sights…I just couldn’t do it.” There was so much doubt and grief in him now that his anger was burned away.

 

“The lines between good and evil blur when we’re looking at people we know.” She informed him. They also blurred when the person you were looking at clearly regretted what they did, but she didn’t say that.

 

“Yeah, there was still good in him…I could see it. It’s so much easier to see the world in black and white. Grey I don’t know what to do with grey.” He responded shaking his head sadly, she could hear just a little flicker of hope in his voice. He was right, there was still good in Sidonis. Killing him, especially after hearing how much he regretted what happened would have destroyed him. Cold angry Garrus was frightening.

 

“You’ve got to go with your instincts.” She shrugged, not sure what to say about how to deal with grey. Dealing with grey was a struggle no matter who you are and sometimes she fared no better. Grey was a bitch.

 

“My instincts are what got me into this mess.” He drawled out.

 

“Don’t be too hard on yourself.” She advised, coming forwards and putting a hand on his shoulder. In the end everyone was their own worst critic and forgiving yourself was the hardest thing to do. It would take time to teach him how to trust himself again.

 

“Thanks, Shepard. For everything.” He voiced sadly. For the first time since she had decided to put her head between him and Sidonis she felt that they were going to be ok. “Let’s get going. I need some distance from this place.”

 

__________________________

 

He hadn’t wanted to hear anything Sidonis had to say, hadn’t wanted to see the slump of his shoulders or the way his mandibles were set against his face. Those tell-tale signs and Shepard’s disapproval were what had stopped him from shooting his old squad mate before she had even seen him. He definitely hadn’t wanted to hear how Sidonis had just been another victim of Omega’s gangs, but once he had heard he hadn’t been able to pull the trigger. She had deliberately left him some openings in the end but his heart just hadn’t been in it anymore.

 

“I didn’t do it for you.” were the words she had told Sidonis when the coward had thanked her for saving him; words with almost imperceptible wrath behind them, words that both warmed and chilled his heart.

 

Garrus had tried to be angry with her as he stormed up to where she was waiting for him by the skycar. He was frustrated that she had gotten in the way, that she had put her head in between his scope and his target. He was so angry that for just a moment, a brief flicker of a second, he had considered shooting her when she refused to move. Had it been anyone else he would have shot them, so enraged he would have shot them and thought about it later.

 

All his rage drained at that thought. No wonder he had seen a few flashes of fear in her eyes, had seen the deep concern. He had been so compromised by his feelings he had ignored her, not listened when she had tried to talk him down on several occasions. She had been right, she was always right. He hadn’t been acting like himself. He just wanted to go home, run some firing algorithms and think about everything.


	16. Nothing hurts when you’re dead.

He had been silent the whole skycar ride back to the Normandy and then disappeared into the Main battery without a word, locking the door behind him. He no longer appeared angry, all his rage had drained away leaving him looking depressed and empty. She stared at the burning red dot of the door lock, clearly visible from the mess hall, a door he never locked. For the first time, as she stared at the locked door she wondered if she had done the right thing, hoped she hadn’t just destroyed him.

 

“Is everything alright, Commander?” Miranda queried. Shepard hadn’t even seen her in the room; she was so distracted she hadn’t even seen Miranda sitting at the table just behind where she was standing now when she entered the room. Shit.

 

Not many people got a long with Miranda; she was arrogant and overconfident in her own abilities, completely loyal to the Illusive Man but also insecure. She had never divulged anything about herself beyond her genetic engineering and hatred of her father but when she wasn’t cheer-leading the Cerberus cause, Shepard liked her. She was capable; she had innate leadership qualities that were only hampered by her attitude, an attitude caused by her father and the Illusive Man.

 

Right now she was sitting at the table with an expression of mild concern and polite interest, eating what Shepard knew was probably her fifth meal today. No one could out eat a biotic; not even Grunt. Not that it had stopped him from attempting to rise to the challenge.

 

“Yeah.” She sighed, pulling a chair out and flopping into it. “It’s been a rough day.”

 

“Is officer Vakarian alright?” Miranda asked when no more information was forth coming.

 

“No but he will be. His mission didn’t go the way he planned but he’ll be alright.” She looked again at the oppressively silent worrying red lock sign at the end of the hall with a frown.

 

“Well you know him best.” Miranda replied simply, obviously deciding not to comment. “Oh, before I forget. There was a matter Jacob requires your help with, I’ll leave it for him to explain but I know he was looking for you earlier.” She informed Shepard with a dismissive wave.

 

_______________________

 

Shepard had given Garrus space all day and had tried not to worry about the persistent red lock on the main battery. She had tried not to hound him knowing he needed space, to grieve and mourn his squad, to consider her actions, just space in general but despite knowing all that she had been unable to fall asleep, feeling the constant need to just check on him before she went to bed. It was ridiculous and she had spent a good hour or so tossing and turning in her bed.

 

Which was how she had ended up standing in front of the locked main battery doors, in her fatigues, hair down, makeup off, shirt untucked and no bra on. Not that it would have stopped her but luckily all non-essential crew were asleep and those who were awake were in the CIC.

 

“EDI, override the lock and let me in.” She sighed. There would be no going to bed until she checked on him and made sure he was alright, or as alright as someone could be after today.

 

“Officer Vakarian does not wish to be disturbed.” EDI chimed out annoyingly. She was trying to be helpful, Shepard knew that but she was in no mood and the floor was ice cold against her bare feet.

 

“Open the damned door EDI.” She ordered it was also too late at night to deal with formalities or politeness.

 

“Yes, Commander. Is there anything else you require?” EDI answered as the red lock turned green. Disapproval was heavy in her synthetic voice.

 

“No, thank you EDI.” Shepard sighed again as she pushed the door open.

 

“Logging you out.”

 

As the door swished open, Shepard heard the sound of blankets shifting suddenly, and a not quite suppressed low keening noise barely audible over the low hum of the engines. The main battery was dark, the only lights coming from the red safety lights glowing along the ceiling and floor. It looks like a bad space horror movie in here, she thought suddenly expecting to see _‘welcome to hell’_ and _‘run’_ written on the walls in blood.

 

“It’s just me, Garrus.” She called softly, as she made her way to where she knew his cot was as her vision struggled to adapt to the darkness. There was no answer but she hadn’t really expected one.

 

In the back corner of the battery was a nest of blankets and in the gloom she could see the Garrus’s shadowy form sitting up in his bed, shoulders hunched, watching her approach; his face lacking it’s normal illumination from his visor.

 

“You ok?” She asked, knowing the answer as she sat down on the side of his nest. This close to him she could clearly hear the depressed hum of his sub harmonics.

 

“Not really. Still can’t help wondering if I did the right thing for my squad. They deserved justice, Shepard.” He mumbled out over the keening. His voice sounded so empty and sad.

 

“We already gave them justice. We killed every mercenary gang responsible for their deaths. Sidonis was just another victim. Yes, he was weak and he sold you out to save himself more pain but in the end we got justice for him too. Killing Sidonis… I don’t think that would have made your squad happy or rest easier.” She explained gently watching his shadowy form; it was easy to see even in this lighting that he wasn’t looking at her. When she heard his breath hitch she pulled him closer, pulled his head to her shoulder and wrapped her arms around his cowl.

 

“You did the right thing, it’s hard to see now because everything is so tangled but his death would have eaten you up inside. He would have just been another face in your nightmares accusing you of not being able to save you, haunting you. I didn’t want that for you, Garrus. You deserve better.” She continued in a soothing murmur.

 

“I just…I failed them. I trusted the wrong person and it got them all killed. I’m not cut out to be a leader.” He keened out pulling away from her.

 

She couldn’t help it, she laughed at him. It was a weak chuckle but still a chuckle. So she might have disagreed with his methods and how it had hardened him but she had never once fought against the rot of an entire city. Been part of the rot, yes, tried to clean it up, no. “Sorry.” She mumbled when she felt his glare. “You did _not_ fail them Garrus. You had no way of knowing that Sidonis would break under torture, unless you tortured him yourself, you could never have known. It’s a testament to your leadership skills that you and your team even survived for two years in that hell hole.”   

 

He shook his head and she could see his mandibles shift in a way that meant he was about to speak and put a hand against his face to silence him.

 

“I could not have done what you did, Garrus. Cleaning up a town like Omega. That’s a _hell_ of a lot harder than going on a suicide mission against the Collectors, way harder than tracking down a rogue Spectre too. You knew, _knew_ , going into it that eventually they would kill you and your whole squad.” She protested, her voice rising slightly. She hated that he had gone there to die, he had never said as much but she knew. You didn’t become a vigilante on Omega unless you had a death wish.

 

“Don’t sell yourself short, Shepard. You could have done it.” he said shaking his head. That he believed that she could do better was a case of her legend preceding her, now was not the time to get into a debate about that.

 

“Garrus, you’re the one selling yourself short. You did the best you could; you didn’t fail your squad. Sidonis did and he has to live with the guilt now for the rest of his long life or until he ends it for himself. He deserves to live with what he did, he deserves every nightmare and he knows it. Let that be his punishment and grieve your squad.” She pleaded. He needed to grieve, grieve so he could move on otherwise he would just continue to feel empty and guilty.

 

“You think letting him live is punishment?” He asked surprised.

 

“Nothing hurts when you’re dead.” She answered with a shrug. “It’s time to grieve and let go. You are not alone, you didn’t fail anyone. You did everything you could for them.” She whispered, reaching out again to touch his face. “It’s not your fault.”

 

She shushed him when he tried to disagree, pulling him back into her shoulder and wrapping her arms around him. His keening was heartbreaking in a way human sobbing could never be and she could feel the vibrations of it running through her body. She was pleased she had come to check on him, that he wasn’t alone. He had spent far too much time alone and if anyone deserved to be happy it was Garrus.  

 

_____________

 

_“Commander, wake up.” A voice over the speakers called._ Oh gods, not again…

 

Her arm was numb, why was her arm numb. Hard edges were digging into her arm, unfamiliar yet familiar.

 

_“Commander Shepard, it’s time to wake up.”_ The voice this time sounded synthetic… that can’t be right… it was supposed to be Miranda’s voice.

 

The bed shifted beside her, the movement rocked her. Was that an explosion? Please gods not again… she could feel vibrations running through her body, soft and calming. Not engine vibrations or the aftershock of an explosion, just calming. There was a hand on her should, a gentle shake and a light press of something hard against her head.

 

“Shepard? EDI is calling you.” a deep flanged voice mumbled quietly next to her ear, the breath tickled. It sounded amused and confused.

 

She opened her eyes to find an ice blue set looking back, there was still sadness in them but also uncertainty; his silver plates reflected a dull red light from the overhead lighting. It was still dark in here. Slowly she sat up and rubbed her eyes, there was no Cerberus station, no mechs, no Miranda and more importantly no pain. Well aside from her arm which was tingling with pins and needles.

 

“I’m awake. What is it EDI?” she asked feeling groggy and shaking out her arm, there were indentations in her skin from the awkward angle they had fallen asleep in. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep down here in Garrus’s cot with him, and certainly not with her arm being crushed.

 

“The crew will be waking in 15 minutes, Shepard.” EDI explained. It took a few moments for Shepard’s brain to catch up; the AI was giving her a chance to get to her cabin before everyone assembled in the mess for breakfast. This was not a dress state she was comfortable with her crew seeing her in.

 

“Thank you, EDI. I appreciate it.” She replied with a yawn.  

 

“You are welcome, Shepard. Logging you out.”

 

“I’m dragging you out shopping with me today. I have a few things I want to get before we leave the Citadel to go find Tali tomorrow.” She told him quietly to fill the strange silence and because she didn’t know what to say to him. She didn’t want to say anything that would upset him and she didn’t want to say anything that would draw attention to how much she wanted to explore his bare plates. Not the time, Shepard she scolded herself.

 

“We’re going to find Tali?”

 

“Yeah, I got her Dossier yesterday. We need extra dextro supplies, probably some more bedding since I used the spares for Grunt and I thought that after all the chores are done you and I could go do something fun. You need it and so do I.” She smiled at him.

 

She was excited to see Tali again but there weren’t enough dextro rations on board. She also hadn’t told him yet but she was planning on bullying him into getting new armour today, she was sick of seeing the holes in it and knowing how they got there. Shepard also felt it was important to give him some down time and a distraction; she wanted to do something enjoyable with him to keep his mind off yesterday. Even just a little bit.

 

She could tell by his silence he was thinking about it, trying to decide if he should refuse. “What did you have in mind, Shepard?” he sighed, although he didn’t sound unhappy about the idea, just tired. Drained.

 

“No idea but I wouldn’t mind checking out Dark Star and eating food Gardiner didn’t cook sounds fantastic.” She smirked. It sounded more than fantastic, food that didn’t taste like a colour sounded like a dream.

 

“I’ve forgotten what real food tastes like, actually. I’ll find us a dextro-levo restaurant that has good food.” He said, his mandibles twitching out in a small smile. Now he was getting it.

 

“Good. I’ll meet you outside Rodam Expeditions in two hours.” She told him putting a hand on his platted shoulder and using him as leverage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiraka Shepard made the concious decision to be a nicer kinder person when she joined the military, on the streets however she was a bit of a hardass and trusted no one. It was necessity rather than personality but it still took her years of hard work to get to where she is personality wise. 
> 
> Learning to trust was the hardest lesson she ever learnt but it's a one time only deal for her. I think it hurt her to watch the change in someone she cared for, to see them become hard like she had been.


	17. The Penny’s in the air on this one.

Garrus was already waiting for her when she arrived, leaning against the glass window of the shop checking his omni-tool. She was a little late; she had gotten side tracked with her messages on the way out, or rather side tracked with Kaidan’s abysmal attempt at an apology. The general impression she had gotten from the message was sorry, not sorry. I’m seeing someone but I wouldn’t mind ditching them for you if you somehow manage to prove yourself to me. Be careful because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty about what I said to you and the thinly veiled insinuation that he still thought she was a clone or brainwashed.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I got side tracked with an email from Kaidan.” She explained pulling it up on her Omni-tool for him to read. She watched his brow plates draw together in annoyance that was echoed by the rumble in his chest. Well at least she wasn’t the only one who thought it was quite possibly the worst excuse for an apology ever written.

 

“Crap. He actually sent this to you? And this is supposed to be an apology?” he exclaimed in disbelief and disgust. “Shepard are you alright?” That she hadn’t expected…she hadn’t expected him to still think Kaidan could upset her. More importantly she didn’t want him to think Kaidan could still upset her, that she gave two shits about that idiot anymore.

 

Honestly she was angry about the letter, which was why she had showed it to him but not particularly upset. It was surprising how little she felt actually. But then again she really had no expectations for Kaidan anymore. “Yeah that’s Kaidan’s idea of an apology; I just had EDI flood his email with Krogan porn in retaliation. Yes I know that was childish.” 

 

He laughed at that, the first real laugh she had heard from him in what felt like forever. “Now, Shepard, that’s just cruel.” He mock scolded her, sounding more and more like himself again; so worth a little childishness just for that.

 

“I am a bad example to EDI. Anyway, I want to replace my damaged armour pieces while we’re here.” She joked before explaining why she had chosen to meet here. She hesitated for a moment unsure how much of a fight he was going to put up. “Also I want to replace you’re armour.”

 

“What’s wrong with my armour?” He asked surprised. Seriously, must be a male thing. It didn’t matter what species they were apparently, every single one she knew was willing hold onto a favourite article of clothing until it fell apart.

 

“It has bullet holes in it, Garrus.” she sighed long sufferingly. She would have her way, one way or the other he would get new armour; even if she had to pull out a guilt trip. “And the cowl is completely fucked.”

 

“It’s just cosmetic damage…” He protested before falling silent under her glare.

 

“I know it has sentimental value to you and I’m not asking you to throw it away but you need armour that isn’t damaged. Our lives are too dangerous for you to fight in armour that is missing chunks.” She told him persuasively using plan A.

 

“Fine, I see your point. It would look bad if we went back to Omega to pick up those cannons and I was still wearing my Archangel Armour anyway. Plenty of mercs left alive who know what it looks like.” He relented. Well at least he still had some sense in his head; she couldn’t deny it had been a concern. Also plan B of convince Garrus to buy new armour.

 

The last time she had been on the Citadel she had spent quite a bit of money here but hadn’t gotten around to inquiring about new armour for her friend. It was why this time the new armour was the first thing on the list. Now that she thought about it, it was probably for the best; Shepard doubted Garrus would have agreed to a new set without having settled his need for revenge.

 

“What can I do for you?” The clerk asked as they walked through the door. He was a funny guy and clearly loved his job, if the little show he had given her last time when she had inquired about what the store sold was any indication.

 

“I need a new chest piece; N7 standard version and two new under-suits.” She told him. She had been wearing one of her spares, one that she didn’t like very much. “ _And_ we’re replacing his armour.” she said gesturing back towards Garrus.

 

“Purple or standard red?” He asked bringing up his Omni-tool.

 

“Purple.”

 

“Excellent, I have one that will fit you, Commander. Just try it on and then I’ll have it repainted for you within the hour.” He told her disappearing into the back room for a long few minutes before reappearing with the required chest piece. “Try it on in there.” He said waving to the change room unnoticed on one side of the room.

 

“I have a selection of Turian armour. Heavy or Medium?” she heard him ask Garrus as she slid the curtain closed.

 

“Heavy. We get shot at a lot.” Garrus answered politely while she quickly unfastened her breast plate and put the new one on.

 

“Yes I can see that. I have just the thing; we can make adjustments after you’ve tried it on.” He drawled out, it was obvious he disapproved of the current state of the armour Garrus was wearing.

 

Etarn came of the backroom at the same time she came out of the changing room. He was carrying a large heavy box of armour, more than a human could carry at one time no matter how lazy they were. The armour he handed Garrus was silver and a similar style to what he was already wearing.

 

She was discussing weapon mods with Etarn when Garrus came out of the change room in the new armour. Silver was a better colour on him than she thought and the brown leather wasn’t a bad colour either, it was darker than his hide and set off the silver perfectly. Her eyes followed up the lines on his body; the silver was broken up by a multitude of blue lights, which she also liked until they came to his face. It was only then that she frowned. He was wearing a new piece of tech on his face, it attached right at his ear… the cybernetic ear that was still healing…

 

“Garrus.” She growled, moving away from the counter and the weapon mods. “Take that tech off your bandage.”

 

“Its fine, Shepard. It looks cool.” He offered, his hands coming up in front of his chest.

 

“I don’t care if it looks cool. Take it off or I’ll shoot it off. Do you not want your face to heal?” She snarled, stalking towards him until she was right in front of him with an angry finger pressed to his chest. “Do you know what else looks cool…your face falling off from infection! Then you’ll look like a real badass.” Her angry sarcasm practically dripped from her mouth.

 

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. It was a bad idea, I’ll take it off.” He submitted. The wince of pain that crossed his face when he removed the offending piece of tech was enough to make her want to slap him.

 

“No tech on that side of your face, or I will shoot you.” She told him angrily, snatching the offending face piece from his hand. He chuckled like she was joking but it softened her anyway. He needed to laugh more. “I like the silver with the blue lights. It suits you.” She admitted with a smile before going back to the counter.

 

“You’re starting to sound like Tali. Next thing I know you’ll be yelling _‘go for the optics’_ and threatening me with a shotgun.” He chuckled making her smile.

 

“I do have an SMG I can threaten you with.” She laughed. “Anyway, how does the armour fit?” she asked changing the subject and trying not to openly stare at him.

 

“A little tight around the spurs but other than that… how do you humans’ say it. Like a shoe?” He tried, tilting his head to the side.

 

“Like a glove.” She corrected, sliding her credit chip across the counter ready to pay for everything they were getting. “Put everything on this, Etarn. Can you please have everything including his old armour shipped to the Normandy? Docking bay D34…” She was in the middle of saying before there was a crash from somewhere outside.

 

“I am Krogan!” was the familiar yell. Oh gods… she winced.

 

“I’ll be right back.” She called half way out the door.

 

_______________________

 

“Is she going to be alright? That was a Krogan.” He heard Etarn say from behind the counter as he stared at the door Shepard disappeared through. All he could do was hope Grunt hadn’t caused too much damage or worse, hurt her. Though the Krogan adored her, so Garrus doubted he would.

 

“It’s fine. Grunt will probably wet himself at seeing Shepard angry at him.” He laughed shaking his head. Most people wet themselves when Shepard was angry with them. “Do you have the size up for spur guards?”

 

At least, he thought as he waited for the clerk to come back with the larger spur guards, at least Shepard wasn’t holding yesterday against him. He would never have expected her to come and comfort him though, to hold him as he mourned his squad for the first time and reassure him everything would be alright. He probably shouldn’t put too much thought into how nice it had been to wake up next to her, to nuzzle her awake gently. Or think about how happy it made him that she wanted to spend the day together doing something fun. Something that would help him take his mind off Sidonis and his dead squad, although it was going to do nothing to take his mind off his feelings for the woman he was spending it with. He really needed to stop treating her like she was his mate.

 

Lost in thought he went through the motions of trying on spur guards, boots and gloves. Armour shopping was always a pain in his ass, which was why he had been putting it off. True there was some sentimental value to his old archangel set but mostly he just hated buying new armour. He’d have done it sooner if he had known how much his broken set bothered her, truth be told if he hadn’t been so distracted with his anger he probably would have noticed.

 

_Pressure against his forehead, her watery face was close to his, her forehead rubbing against his as a few drops of water fall towards him. “No Shepard without Vakarian. You’ll be fine Garrus; Dr Chakwas will fix you up. Everything will be fine, just stay with me.”_

 

He sighed and shook the bloody half remembered image out of his head, she had been terrified, and it hadn’t meant anything beyond that. It was foolish to read too much into how she treated him; he had nothing to offer a woman who was hit on by nearly every person she encountered.

 

He had just gotten to the counter to collect the Credit chit she had left behind when his Omni-tool started chiming. Well, speak of the devil, he thought as he looked at the caller. His father would have a fit if he knew how many human phrases Garrus had picked up.

 

“Hey, just letting you know I’m taking Grunt back to the Normandy. Something is wrong with him, he’s angry and out of control even by Krogan standards. He’s on lockdown until we can get to Tuchanka and have Wrex have a look at him.” She sounded worried and annoyed at the same time.

 

“What happened?” Garrus winced. Wow, angry by Krogan standards, that was not good.

 

“He broke one of the advertising stations and a news terminal. Apparently they disrespected his perfect Krogan genetics and needed to be destroyed. Why don’t Krogan have ears? If he’s going to act like an angry teenager I should at least be able to drag him home by the ear like one.” She grumbled. Garrus had no idea what she was talking about but the image of her dragging Grunt off would have been comical if it didn’t sound like they were cutting today short.

 

“Should we call today off and leave early?” Garrus asked swallowing his reluctance and trying to keep the disappointment out of his subvocals. He didn’t want to; he wanted to spend the day with her, his feelings for her be damned but if they needed to leave they needed to leave.

 

“What? No. I’ll take him back to the ship and then I’ll meet you outside C-Sec.” she reassured him sounding shocked and he released the breath he hadn’t known he was holding. “Oh, I forgot. Can you grab a couple of different shotgun mods before you leave; one for the tank baby and couple for Tali as a welcome back present?”

 

“Sure thing, Shepard. I’ll see you soon.” He replied with a laugh before ending the call. When he looked up ready to ask Etarn about seeing the latest shotgun mods he found the male looking at him with a smirk. “What?” he asked feeling suddenly annoyed.

 

“Your mate’s idea of a _‘welcome back’_ present is shotgun mods?” Etarn smirked getting the wrong idea about their relationship as he laid a few mods on the table. It was a good thing Shepard wasn’t here, otherwise this would be more embarrassing and upsetting than it already was. Also she would likely kill Mr Quotey-fingers here.

 

Garrus heaved a sigh and pushed down the keen that was stuck in his throat. “She’s not my mate but yes that is her idea of a welcome back gift.”

 

“What’s holding you back? It’s obvious you’re in love with her.” the clerk asked his subvocals thrilling with confusion. Spirits, was he so obvious that every Turian could tell? He needed to get better control of his subvocals.

 

“So is half the ship and nearly every one she meets. Are my feelings that obvious?” Garrus asked unable to completely mask the unhappiness in his subharmonics. Spirits he was so out of sorts today. 

 

“Yes and so are hers. If that woman had looked at me the way she gave you the look over, I would not still be standing here.” Etarn laughed. Well at least someone was getting a good laugh out of this, Garrus thought annoyed.

 

He distractedly picked out three mods and paid, they would be delivered to the ship with the rest of the purchases.  Wait… was she interested? Could that even be possible? Surely not. If she was Turian he would definitely know, there would be no mistaking her subharmonics but Shepard was human. Was she interested? Spirits he was never going to get that seed of hope out of his head now.


	18. Drinking and talking is not advised.

Garrus had been acting a little weird since she had met him outside C-Sec; it felt like she was being tested for something. Every time she flashed him a quick glance he was staring at her with an odd look she had never seen before in his eyes, when he caught her looking he would quickly look away. Of course every time she asked him what was wrong he deflected her with some excuse or joke. To say it made her nervous was an understatement.

 

Everything else about him was the same. He made so many jokes about how she was going to kill the fish she bought that she was determined to prove him wrong. Tomorrow she was going to program in some kind of feeding VI to keep her damned fish alive so she wouldn’t have to listen to him laugh at her. They had laughed together at a park while co-playing a really old popular Earth game on their Omni-tools, neither of them had ever hear of Jazz Jackrabbit before but the Salarian had assured them that it had once been popular before the turn of the millennium. Garrus had sat closer than usual; making her face heat a little as they both constantly fell to their deaths in the game.

 

Somehow dinner had felt like a date rather than a meal between friends; wine, soft music, flowers on the table and amazing food. It was Asari style cuisine for her but after ship food there was no way she was going to be picky and even if it had tasted horrible the whole thing would have been worth it for the way his eyes lit up when he saw his steak. It was thick and blue, lightly seared. He had purred so loudly after the first bite that the wine in their glasses had rippled. Several times during the meal she had caught him glancing at her in a way that made her heart race and her ears burn. Or was that just her wishful thinking… Ugh, she really shouldn’t be thinking like that.  

 

Dark Star was the only club on Zakera ward and she had been looking forwards to checking it out on shore leave, mostly she had wanted to go to it with her favourite Turian and have some fun. Large open spaces for dancing, catchy music, and clean. A few people had looked their way when they entered but no one openly stared as they made their way to the bar.

 

“What would you like?” The milk chocolate coloured Turian asked from behind the bar, his mandibles spreading in what she assumed was a polite smile. She quickly looked at the menu board; none of the drinks were familiar. What she wouldn’t do for some familiar Earth alcohol, preferably vodka, but apparently she was shit out of luck.  

 

“Thessian Sunset thanks.” She told him, randomly picking one that sounded interesting.

 

“Don’t drink too many of those Shepard. Asari alcohol will knock you on your ass.” Garrus warned from her side.

 

“You just worry about yourself, Vakarian.” She laughed at him. They sounded like famous last words the second they left her mouth.

 

He just shook his head at her and ordered some kind of Turian brandy. It was electric blue, just a few shades darker than his eye colour. Her drink after the bartender had made it was purple, bright fucking purple that graduated into a perfectly contrasted radioactive green. Somehow she had been expecting it to be the same colour as a tequila sunrise.

 

Gingerly she took a sip of the bright concoction. It was sweet and sour, like a candy you might buy for a child. Rather than the purple tasting like grape it was just sweet; some kind of Asari flavour she had no word for. The green was tart, sort of like an orange but not quite. If an orange and a lime had a three way with a green apple, got pregnant and had a baby…maybe it would taste like this?

 

“That’s a favourite with human females, although most end up having to ask an Asari what it tastes like.” The bartender chuckled, obviously taking in her expression. “What do you think?”

 

“A little too sweet for my tastes but it’s nice.” She told him taking another sip and trying not to look at her drink questioningly. If she ever found out what this was supposed to taste like, she was going to try the actual thing. She was pretty sure this flavouring tasted as similar to the real thing as cherry flavoured cough syrup tasted to a real cherry.

 

“Just keep serving her those; she can use all the sweet she can get.” Garrus joked beside her, taking a sip of his own drink.

 

“Hey! I’m plenty sweet.” She mock pouted and laughed at his disbelieving expression.

 

“Says the woman who threatened to shoot me this morning.” He barked mockingly at her. “Come on let’s find booth to sit at and if we’re all lucky you won’t try and dance.” Ah, dance mockery. Dance mockery from someone who had never seen her actually dance. Also she was wearing armour; there would be no sexy dancing tonight.

 

He grabbed his drink and motioned for her to follow him. Garrus led her to a booth in the corner of the room near the dance floor, it had a perfect view of the door but wasn’t in direct line of fire if all hell broke loose.

_________________

 

 

Somehow during the joking tales of old war stories she had ended up sitting close by his side, despite the fact that she had started on the other side of the crescent moon shaped booth. It couldn’t be much later than midnight. She had been a little disappointed when he had declined her invitation to dance but it wasn’t like there was anyone else at the table to mind their drinks. Next time, maybe she would be able to convince him to dance with her. Assuming he kept giving her those strange warm looks… that had gotten warmer and less guarded the more he drank. Probably just her imagination…

 

“I wanted to thank you again for your help with Sidonis. Whatever happens with the Collectors or the Reapers or whoever else comes after us, I know you’ll get the job done.” Garrus shrugged suddenly after a few minutes of comfortable silence.    

 

“You actually think we’ll find something worse than Collectors or Reapers?” Shepard asked over the music, her speech equally slurred. Geez how many had she had now? They were definitely starting to go to her head; it was starting to feel like she was playing a game with first person view instead of actually looking out her own eyes.

 

“I like to expect the worst, there’s a small chance I’ll be pleasantly surprised.” He drawled making her giggle and taking another gulp of his Turian Brandy. How many of those had he drunk now?

 

“I couldn’t do this without you, Garrus.” She said, her mouth running away with her. What the hell was she saying? She was totally ruining the mood. No matter how true the statement was she was supposed to be cheering him up not being depressing or just falling short of telling him she loved him. _Nope_ , not thinking about that, she reminded herself taking a gulp of her drink as he continued speaking.

 

“Sure you could. Not as stylishly of course.” He joked, intentionally lightening the mood back up before she could brood. “It’s strange going into a suicide mission on a human ship. Your people don’t prepare for high risk operations the way Turians do.”

 

“How do Turian crews get ready for high risk missions?” she asked taking another swig of her purple and green cocktail. This was going to be her last one, she had probably just drunk two years with of sugar and her head felt fuzzy now; like someone else was driving and if she kept going she was going to have one hell of a headache tomorrow. Or possibly do something she might regret and jump Garrus… That would be bad. _No, Shepard, no jumping Garrus._ Just because you have a little crush on him doesn’t mean he feels the same way.

 

That could be a fun drinking game, one that would ensure she was plastered most of the time. Every time she thought of Garrus in an inappropriate way, Shepard takes a drink. Or maybe a blow to the head, less likely to end in her doing something she would regret like kissing him. Damn it, now she was fixated on thinking about him but trying not to, how fucking many had she drunk?

 

“With violence usually. Turian ships have more operational discipline than your Alliance, but fewer personal restrictions. Our commanders run us tight, and they know we need to blow off steam. Turian ships have training rooms for exercise, combat Sims, even full contact sparring. Whatever lets people work off stress.” He explained taking another sip.

 

“You mean Turian ships have crew men fighting each other before a mission?” She couldn’t help the incredulity in her voice as she struggled to form the words. Jack and Miranda sparring before the mission… the thought made her groan. They’d never get the blood out and it would rust all that shiny Cerberus metal.

 

“It’s supervised, of course. Nobody is going to risk an injury that interferes with the mission. And it’s a good way to settle grudges amicably.” He answered a little defensively. Still supervised or not, allowing Jack and Miranda to work out their grudge was not going to happen. Jack would make what happened to her previous ship look like a minor hull breach. 

 

“I remember right before one mission, we were about to hit a Batarian pirate squad. Very risky. This recon scout and I had been at each other’s throats. Nerves, mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring.” He began, fidgeting a little uncomfortably.

 

“I assume you took her down gently?” In all honesty she couldn’t imagine Garrus being at anyone’s throat, nerves or not. The Garrus she knew was way too patient and kind… well excluding the whole Archangel thing.

 

“Actually she and I were the top ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach but she had flexibility. It was brutal. After nine rounds the judge called it a draw. There were a lot of unhappy betters in the training room. We ended up holding a tie breaker in her quarters. I had reach, but she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.” His story got more and more hesitant as it went along. Like he realised where it was going and had become resigned to continuing it.

 

Now he was telling her conquest stories… that was just great. Why would he tell her that? Was he trying to make her jealous? No, there was no reason he would think she would get jealous. Friends tell each other drunken conquest stories; hell she had told a few in the past, never to him but she had told them. Ugh she should not be feeling jealous. Crush it down, she told herself. Crush it down and make a joke. Drunk is most definitely not the time; you have no right to be jealous.

 

“It sounds like you’re carrying some tension.” She purred in an attempt to sound sultry, putting her glass down and scooting closer to him. “Maybe I could help you get rid of it.” Oh gods why had she said that? Yes she was a little jealous and yes he had been giving her strangely warm looks ever since meeting him outside C-Sec but now she had just drunkenly propositioned her best friend. Propositioned her best friend, for casual sex… Not only that but she chose to do it the day after she decided to stand in between him and revenge. Gods she was never going to drink again.

 

She watched as his mandibles dropped a little in shock. Was that good or bad? She wondered feeling panicked. “I, ah, didn’t think you’d feel like sparring, Commander.” He answered shakily. Ok he got the wrong idea and he called her Commander. That was a bad sign. Was he politely rejecting her or had she not been blunt enough? Well whatever the reason he was giving her an out of the hole she had dug herself into and she should damn well take it.

 

“What if we skipped to the tie breaker? We could test your reach…and my flexibility.” she purred. What the fuck had she just said?! Not only was that the _worst pick up line ever_ but she was supposed to be climbing his spiders thread out of this mess not digging herself a deeper grave and paying for her damned funeral as well. Damn it she had definitely blown their friendship now. Where was a black hole or a Reaper when you needed one?

 

If it was possible his mandibles dropped even further, making them look dislocated. “Oh! I didn’t… huh. Never knew you had a weakness for men with scars.” He stuttered as the penny finally dropped, at first it looked like he was going to reject her and she felt her heart sink knowing what was coming but then he straightened his shoulders and his voice became more confident. “Well, why the hell not? There’s nobody in this galaxy I respect more than you. And if we can figure out a way to make it work, then…yeah, definitely.” He purred regaining his normally smooth composure. Or rather it would have been smooth if it wasn’t for the slurring.

 

Wait, _what?_ Did he just say yes…? In fact she could have sworn she heard the word _‘definitely’_ purr out of his mouth in a tone that matched the heat in his eyes. He was so confusing today.

 

“Have you ever been kissed, Garrus?” She asked suddenly, licking her lips as her gaze reached his mouth plates. She had already propositioned him in a fit of drunken insanity; kissing her best friend seemed almost reasonable in comparison.

 

“No, Turians don’t have mouths like Humans and Asari for kissing.” He explained. The music was too loud for her to hear his subvocals, not that she understood all of them but she felt like she was missing half the conversation.

 

“So then what do Turians do?” she asked, curious.

 

He looked at her for a moment, his eyes so warm it felt like they were setting her face on fire but there was also some hesitation in there too, as he weighed up whether or not to show her. Finally after a long nervous moment he seemed to make a decision, he reached out and put his free hand on her chin. Cupping it gently and tilted her face down before lowering his head to hers and touching their foreheads together.

 

Oh… he had done that to her before; this morning when she had woken up next to him and in the med bay a few days ago. Actually she had done that to him once before too, so frightened that he was going to die she had pressed her head to his in a failed attempt at a hug as she tried to hold him together. Wait did that mean he was genuinely interested in her? That he didn’t just see her as his best friend? That he wasn’t just drunkenly going with the flow; because they were both really drunk right now. She let her eyes close as she returned his pressure and heard him sigh almost inaudibly against the loud music. 

 

“Would you like to try kissing?” She asked him feeling a little more confident. The part of her that was not nearly blind drunk was screaming at her that this was a bad idea, that she was taking advantage and destroying their friendship. Unfortunately reasonable Shepard was not driving…

 

Garrus nodded against her head without breaking the contact between them. He let go of her chin when she reached up and cupped the side of his face, stroking his mandible for a moment before she gently pressed her lips to his mouth plates. The tips of his mandibles fluttered nervously against her cheeks and one of his hands made its way to the curve of her waist. Through her kiss she could feel the subharmonic purr she couldn’t hear over the music, the one he made when he was happy. She could probably count on one hand how many times he had purred like a cat since she had picked him up on Omega and it wasn’t enough.

 

With dexterity that surprised her, given how many cocktails she had downed and how they had hit her like a charging Krogan, Shepard _somehow_ without breaking lip contact swung herself so she was straddling his legs, and by the grace of some deity had not toppled off him and landed ass over head on the floor. On her knees and pressed against his carapace she attempted to deepen the kiss. It wasn’t like kissing a human, not even remotely but it was pleasant, despite it being slightly sloppier than it should have been. She liked the feeling of his plates against her lips, the feel of the tip of his upper mouth plate being between her lips. She heard him growl when she sucked on it a little, his hands sliding up and down the curve of her waist.

 

Damn that was hot, she thought as she wrapped her other arm around his neck.

 

She released the tip of his lip and ran her tongue along the edge, tracing the curve of his mouth plates. It was obvious that he had paid some attention to humans and Asari kissing before because he opened his mouth and feather lightly nipped at her bottom lip. It was so light and similar to being kissed back that she moaned softly against his mouth. He repeated the action again with a little more confidence, carefully taking her bottom lip in his mouth plates and nibbling at it. Damn he was already good at that.

 

This time when she licked the seam of his mouth plates he opened it for her. She took this as permission to deepen the kiss and ran her tongue along his. The purr in his chest deepened and he held her tighter as he mimicked her movements, twining his long thin tongue around and against her short flat one. Like the rest of him, his tongue was rougher than a human’s, almost like a cats tongue but not quite. The friction against hers was wonderful, and she couldn’t help but wonder what he would taste like if he hadn’t spent the whole night drinking brandy. The feel of him against her made her head spin, or maybe that was the Thessian Sunsets...

 

“You’re good at that. You sure you haven’t kissed a human?” she mumbled feeling breathless after the kiss broke.

 

She felt the chuckle that rumbled through his chest as he rubbed his unscarred mandible along her jawline. “What can I say, I’m a fast learner. Could use more practice though.” He purred his duel toned voice barely above a seductive whisper as he pressed his Turian lips to hers again, nibbling on her lower one before darting his tongue out to run along the seam, imitating her pervious movements.

 

Oh, wow. He was initiating it, she thought as she opened her mouth to return his kiss. Tentatively he explored her mouth with his tongue running it hesitantly along the roof of her mouth, along her teeth before entwining it with hers. She couldn’t supress the moan at his kiss, one hand cupping the back of his plated neck and the other grasping at his cowl in an attempt to pull him closer.  He was probably ruining her for human kissing but right now she didn’t care.

 

She was completely breathless when he broke off the kiss; he peppered little nips along her jawline before tracing his tongue along her throat. Shepard moaned, unsure if he could hear her over the music as her hands worked busily over the hide of his neck and exploring the area under his fringe. Garrus shivered and released a throaty growl, his head tilting back against her hand when her probing fingers found a section of un-plated hide under his crest.

 

Shepard kissed lazily at his exposed throat, feeling his purring growls through her lips. His fawn brown hide was supple like fine leather and so very warm. She knew his neck was sensitive but judging from the increasingly loud rumble in his chest, it was more of an erogenous zone than she thought. An unexpectedly unhappy growl cut off and she felt his whole body freeze under her, startled and wondering what the hell she had done wrong Shepard pulled back to look at him. It was a good thing there was a table behind her, she mused drunkenly when her back hit it or she would have fallen off his lap.

 

He nodded his head, indicating to the door and she turned awkwardly in his lap to look at what had disrupted them. Standing at the entrance, surveying the scene of the club was a woman with black hair, wearing the unmistakable skin tight white bodysuit of Miranda and behind her was a looming silver Krogan that could only be Grunt.

 

Shepard was by all accounts absolutely plastered, despite her implants working overtime, but not drunk enough to be oblivious to the predatory looks that were being thrown Miranda’s way. Miranda’s blue eyes met hers and the woman headed towards them followed closely by Grunt, ignoring the blatant stares from every human male in the club.

 

“I guess we’re being collected.” She said quietly as she rested the side of her head against Garrus’s, still turned awkwardly and watching Miranda cross the dance floor. Reluctantly part of her admitted this was probably for the best but she still felt disappointed, which was stupid.

 

He ran his hands over her waist one last time before settling them on her hips and sighed. “She is assuming direct control of our night out.” He joked, doing his best to mimic Harbinger and making her giggle.

 

“How many have you two had?” Miranda asked sounding both cross and exasperated when she stopped in front of their booth.

 

Shepard frowned from her position on Garrus’s lap. She had lost count at...five? Ten? They should have told the waitress to leave their glasses.

_____________________

 

Miranda looked down at her blonde giggling Commander and sighed. She had nothing against the woman in front of her, she could be stubborn when it came to her distrust of Cerberus but that had been expected. Other than that the Commander inspired an incredible amount of loyalty which could only be commended.

 

She had expected to find Shepard and Vakarian drunk, which was why she had brought Grunt, to help her get them back onto the ship. What Miranda had not expected was to find her Commander straddling Vakarian’s legs and giggling like a school girl at whatever it was he said. She didn’t envy them the resulting awkward conversation but at least they both felt the same about each other even if they hadn’t realised it yet. Though with everything they had going on in their lives no one on the ship was surprised it was taking them so long.

 

“How many have you two had?” She asked as Shepard continued to giggle. She watched as Shepard frowned, a look of intense concentration on her face. That many huh? Bloody hell.  

 

Looking around Miranda caught sight of a Turian watching her from behind the bar and thought maybe he would know. “Grunt, watch them and make sure no one approaches them.” She ordered the Krogan behind her.

 

“Yes, Operative Lawson.” He replied oddly polite. He was still sulking, as much as a Krogan could sulk, from Shepard’s reprimands this morning.

 

Miranda turned on her heel and headed for the bar. “How many have they had?” she asked the Turian bartender.

 

“Those two? Well the Turian has drunk a full bottle of brandy and most of the second one, the Human… Well she’s drunk enough Asari alcohol to down a Krogan Battlemaster. I’m surprised she’s still conscious. You here to take them home?” He informed her looking over at the two patrons in question.

 

So her implants were absorbing alcohol on a Krogan Biotic level…that was interesting to know.

 

“They were due back on the ship an hour ago. Thank you for the information.” She supplied distractedly and marched back over to where Grunt was waiting. Getting them back to the ship might be more complicated than she thought.

 

They hadn’t moved an inch in the entire time Miranda had been over at the bar, they were however laughing at something one of them had said. Grunt looked a little out of his depth and was twitching nervously. It was understandable; the Krogan was barely two months old and hadn’t ever had to deal with a drunk human, never mind a drunken Shepard.

 

“Grunt, help Shepard off Vakarian. Try to keep her from falling over.” She ordered knowing she probably wasn’t strong enough to keep the Commander from falling over as she got up.

 

She watched the big Krogan reach out a metal gloved hand to Shepard and help pull her out of the booth. She teetered for a moment, trying to catch her balance as Grunt held her steady by the shoulders. Once she was standing firmly on both feet Miranda stepped forwards and eased her away so that Grunt could help Vakarian up.

 

“I’m going to the bathroom. Wait here.” Shepard slurred, shaking her head in a vain attempt to clear it.

 

Miranda watched apprehensively as Shepard made her way across the dance floor with the air of someone who was trying very hard to walk in a mostly straight line and only partially succeeding. Miranda was impressed, Shepard didn’t walk into a single person but she did use the wall leading to the bathroom as a buffer to chance direction.

 

Garrus was not much worse for wear than Shepard. Swaying violently as he stood for the first time in what was probably hours and shaking his head to clear his drunken haze. Both of them were going to have a hell of a headache in a few hours. Once he was sure he was steady on his feet he followed the direction Shepard had taken with only a little less grace. He bumped into one person on his way to the bathroom, used the wall as a buffer and stared at the Male sign for a long moment before heading in the direction of the arrow.

 

“Are they going to be alright?” Grunt asked from in front of her.

 

“If they’re not out in five we’ll have to go in and get them.” She sighed, hoping neither of them would decide to suddenly pass out in the bathroom.

 

In the end she needn’t have worried, both her drunk charges came out of the bathroom on their own. Somehow both of them had managed to fully reattach their armour despite being not far from falling over drunk.

                                                                                    

By the time Miranda and Grunt had gotten Shepard and Vakarian back to the ship, she had realised two things about her Commander. One: she was a giggly drunk, if she walked into a wall she giggled, if she bumped into a person she also giggled. Two: she was prone to diarrhoea of the mouth. In the entire time she had been aboard the Normandy she had never heard Shepard talk so much about anything and everything.

 

Well at least she wasn’t a violent drunk, Miranda thought to herself as she covered the passed out woman with her blanket. She had even managed to get her armour and under suit off with minimal aid from Miranda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I couldn't imagine my Shepard ever propositioning Garrus like that not blind drunk. The pick up line was just that awful.


	19. The Fall Out Zone

On a scale of one to ten this hangover was an eleven, the headache from head-butting a Krogan had never been this bad. Shepard opened her eyes to see the ceiling of her cabin, the soft blue glow of her fish tanks reflecting calmly off the polished metal surfaces. Everything in her vision swayed slightly, like she was on a ship in an ocean instead of in space. She felt clammy and nauseous. Was it cold and hot at the same time? Ugh she wasn’t going to be able to stomach food today.

 

“EDI, can you turn off the fish tank lights?” She croaked out, feeling like she was going to throw up the second she opened her mouth.

 

“Negative, Commander.” EDI boomed. Or at least her head felt like she boomed.

 

“Ow. Inside voice EDI, inside voice.” She whined against the throbbing of her head, pulling the pillow around her ears in attempt to deaden some of the noise. Ugh today was going to be a joy.

 

“I do not understand, Shepard. This is my usual volume.” EDI boomed again sounding confused.

 

“I have a headache. Please whisper.”

 

“My apologies, Shepard. As I was saying, Cerberus did not design the lights inside the fish tank to be turned off.” The synthetic voice explained at a significantly quieter volume.

 

“But they burn” She muttered painfully to herself. Of course they didn’t. She was going to add that to the list of things to program in when she got around to adding an automatic feeder to the damned thing. Ow, her head. How much did she drink last night? More importantly what in the hell did she do?

 

Alright let’s recap, she thought. Alright we drank, _a lot_. She had drunk some strange green and purple monstrosity and they had told stories. Garrus had told a story about getting some recon scout into bed with him…

 

The memory filled her with a wave of jealousy and an upsurge of dread. Maybe she was going to have to deal with her growing feelings for him after all; apparently they weren’t just going to go away on their own if she was starting to feel jealous. Shepard never got jealous, well never _used_ to get jealous. Was it because she had never cared enough or because she didn’t actually have Garrus as anything more than a friend? Ugh, she really wasn’t ready to deal with this, her head hurt way too much. Oh gods, what had she said?

 

_“What if we skipped to the tie breaker? We could test your reach…and my flexibility.” She had purred._

 

She remembered with a groan. Fuck. She had propositioned him for sex, sex that thank the fucking gods didn’t happen. Drunken sex was one hell of a way to ruin a friendship. Surely he had shot her down, her heart clenched a little at the thought but there was nothing she could do about it. She knew he didn’t find women other than Turians sexually appealing, she remembered him mentioning it once or twice back when they were chasing Saren. Maybe she could play her rejection off as she was drunk they could laugh about it and then never speak of it again. That would hurt but would be for the best.

 

_“Yeah, definitely.” He had purred after being caught off guard._

 

Well, that was a game changer she had no idea what to do with. Technically they were so drunk it didn’t count but if both of them remembered it, they were going to have to talk about it. A part of her cringed at the thought of having to talk about it, at having to admit that her feelings for him went beyond that of a friend. The idea of putting their friendship on the line was terrifying. The other part was curious to find out where this whole mess would take them.

 

Her brain was determined to punish her for her stupidity, apparently. A rush of memories practically assaulted her brain, images and recollections of her kissing him, of _him_ kissing her back, of him pressing his forehead into hers and telling her that was a Turian kiss. Even the memories of his strange but warm looks and how they had made her blush came back. She groaned out her physical and mental agony before pulling the blankets over her head like a toddler.

 

Figuring this out was going to take more delicacy and tact than her brain could handle at the moment. _Fuck it_ ; she needed a shower, her teeth brushed and some water. Maybe it would be easier to figure out everything after that. 

 ____________________

 

_Garrus had known something was wrong all day and he hadn’t been able to explain why. Today should have been a good day, well maybe not good since he had a pile of paper work to do but at least decent. Instead he spent the day feeling as something terrible was going to happen._

_He had been back at C-Sec for just over two months, back in the hell that was mountains of paperwork and endless miles of red tape. The goal he always told himself when his patience started to wear thin was to be a Spectre like her, to travel around the galaxy righting wrongs and bringing justice. Preferably with her, next time as an equal rather than a subordinate. Spirits, he missed her already._

_The anxiety had reached such a peak that when his Omni-tool rang unexpectedly he nearly jumped right out of his plates. When he looked at the caller ID he felt his heart sink and a wave of dread wash over him. It was Wrex and Wrex **never** called him. The second he opened up the Video link he knew it was bad, he was positive he didn’t want to hear the words that were about to pour out of the Krogan’s mouth. _

_“I wanted to be the one to tell you, kid. The Normandy has been destroyed. It was attacked by an unidentified ship in the Terminus System.” Wrex informed him. In any other Krogan Garrus might not have noticed, he didn’t want to notice but there was hollowness in the Battlemaster’s voice; one that made the dread roar in his ears like white noise. Shepard…_

_“How is Shepard? Is she alright?” he stuttered, unwilling to accept what his gut was telling him, what the Krogan Battlemasters voice and body language were telling him. What the significance of a call from Wrex was screaming at him. Surely nothing could hurt Shepard, she had survived the falling debris after Saren and Sovereign were destroyed._

_“I’m sorry, Vakarian. She’s dead, went down with the ship.” Wrex explained detached. Garrus didn’t hear much after the words **‘she’s dead’** , how could Shepard be **dead?** …That wasn’t what was supposed to happen; they were going to be Spectres together… _

_He should have been there with her, watching her six not on the Citadel catching petty crooks… He should never have left the Normandy…_

 

Garrus woke in his nest with a start, his subvocals trilling out in grief and confusion as he took in his surroundings.  The room was filled with the dull red glow of emergency lighting and he could hear the soothing hum of the Normandy’s drive core. The only thing missing was the dull drone of the crew member conversations that usually drifted into the Main Battery from the Mess Hall. It must be really early, he thought to himself as everything rushed into focus.

 

He hadn’t realised how much his head was pounding until he flopped back down into his nest, just what he needed before a mission. A hangover but thankfully it wasn’t an awful one, he should still be able to do his job and watch Shepard’s back assuming she even wanted him there after last night.

 

What in the spirits had possessed him to tell her a conquest story? He was pretty sure that wasn’t something you told a woman, particularly a human one in order to determine her interest. He hadn’t even realised she had hit on him until the second time, spirits sometimes it was a wonder he even had conquest stories… in hindsight however, she had been about as subtle as a rifle butt to the face.

 

Was she interested in him? The clerk Etarn said she was but was it just for casual _‘blowing off steam’_ sex? Also did humans normally kiss people when they were drunk? Had she kissed him because she wanted to or because she was drunk? He wished he knew more about human customs and about her feelings.

 

She had even pressed her forehead into his… crap, what if human kissing didn’t mean the same thing as the Turian equivalent? What if she remembered the other times he had done that and realised his feelings for her? Would she even want to be his friend still? What was he going to do if he had crossed some kind of line and she never wanted to speak to him again? Spirits, he had really fucked this up.

 

Crap, he didn’t think he could go through the whole day with this hanging over his head; he needed to talk to her now or as soon as possible.

 

“EDI, is Shepard awake?” He asked trying to keep his panic in check. Spirits what was he going to say to her?

 

“Yes Officer Vakarian. She is currently in the shower.” EDI replied. The good thing about the AI was never having to personally call and hope for the best.

 

“Can you tell her to come down when she’s free? Tell her it’s important.” Well he had until the main battery door opened to think of what he was going to say. Maybe he should just go with her offer and give her an easy out…

_________________

 

 Shepard was sitting hunched over on the bed, towel around her shoulders and hair dripping wet. The shower hadn’t helped as much as she had originally hoped it would, except as a shame free way to empty the contents of her stomach, repeatedly. She was still no closer to coming to a decision on what to do about last night, it was the Turian affection element she didn’t understand. At first she thought it just meant friendly affection or worry but now she wasn’t so sure.

 

The question now that she was awake enough to think about it was: What did Turian forehead touching mean? It felt like until she knew that she would just be running around in circles chasing her tail trying to figure out if he was genuinely interested otherwise, which could just hurt them both. To figure this out before she made things worse between them she needed to ask another Turian. The extranet was out because she really didn’t want the headache.

 

“Shepard, Officer Vakarian would like to speak to you in the Main Battery. He says it’s urgent.” EDI chimed in; she was keeping her voice low in consideration of Shepard’s head. Maybe Joker had explained to her about hangovers.

 

Briefly she considered having EDI tell Garrus to wait but quickly reconsidered, that would just make things worse between them. Even though she hadn’t had time to get the information she wanted it was now time to suck it up and deal with this like an adult. If he rejected her well at least she would have her answer and the whole situation wouldn’t be looming over her head like an axe.

 

“Tell him I’ll be down in a few minutes.” She replied pulling the towel around her hair to quickly dry it, the sudden movement around her head made her vision spin. She hoped she wasn’t going to be sick again…

 

“Yes Shepard. Logging you out.”

____________________

 

“You wanted to talk, Garrus?” She asked as she entered the main battery, her hair towel dried and her fatigues pulled hastily on. His back stayed turned towards her for a long moment that did nothing for her nerves. It was probably best to get this out of the way now rather than end up dealing with it on a mission, he had the right idea. She wasn’t sure she would be able to deal with this kind of nervous tension all day.

 

Slowly he turned around, everything in his body language was tense and he looked almost sheepish as he avoided eye contact. He reached behind him and pushed a button on his console that closed the door behind her, but he didn’t lock it. 

 

“Yeah I’ve been thinking about what we talked about. Blowing off steam, easing tension. I’ve never considered cross species intercourse. Damn. Saying it that way doesn’t help, now I feel dirty and clinical.” He told her, looking her in the eye for short breath of time before looking away. His voice was confident and smooth; it sounded like a rejection.

 

“Are we crazy for even thinking about this? I’m not…” He continued after a pause to gather his thoughts and rattle her already shaken nerves; his voice was uncertain now and almost panicked. He stopped suddenly and took a deep breath to calm himself. “Look, Shepard. I know you can find someone a little closer to home.” He said more calmly but with an air of sadness to the words. Gods, he thought she was going to reject. The thought almost made her laugh.

 

“I don’t want someone closer to home; I want someone I can trust. I want _you_.” She told him with a smile. She had to cross her arms to keep herself from reaching out to him; she wasn’t exactly feeling sexy at the moment and throwing up was still a real concern.

 

His shoulders straightened immediately at her words, his mandibles flicking out in what looked like a relieved smile. “I can do that. I’ll find some music… and do some research to figure out how this thing should work. It’ll either be a night to remember or a horrible interspecies awkwardness thing.” Garrus purred before trailing off awkwardly. There was a long moment of horrible silence between them and she began to worry that he would change his mind; that he wanted to change his mind. “In which case fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction. So, you know, win either way.” He shrugged uncomfortably attempting to make a joke.

 

“You know, Garrus if you’re not comfortable with this, it’s ok. I’m not trying to pressure you.” She said nervously as she reached out and brushed her fingers over his undamaged mandible before setting her hand on his armoured shoulder. He looked so out of his depth, maybe the kinder thing to do would be to give him an out as much as it hurt.

 

“Shepard, you’re about the only friend I’ve got left in this screwed up Galaxy. I’m not going to pretend I’ve got a fetish for humans, but this isn’t about that. This is about us. You don’t ever have to worry about making me uncomfortable… nervous yes, but never uncomfortable.” He reassured her, his flanged voice again sounding confident and calm. She let out the breath she had been holding and felt the knot in her chest ease.

 

“So when should I book the room?” Shepard smirked to lighten the mood.

 

It would be best for them to wait, wait until they were both comfortable. She wanted more time to figure out his feelings and for it to be a natural progression in their relationship but they didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of time. A suicide mission was a hell of a time to begin a relationship… still she instantly decided to leave the ball in Garrus’s court.

 

“I’d wait, if you’re ok with it. Disrupt the crew a little as possible… and take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm.” He began, evidently thinking something similar. “You know me; I always like to savour the last shot before popping the heat sink.” Garrus finished lamely. There was a long moment of silence where she tried not to laugh as she watched him realise what he had just said.

 

“Wait that metaphor just went somewhere horrible.” He groaned out, making her snort with laughter.

 

“Shepard, ETA 2 hours to Haestrom.” EDI called down interrupting them at what was for once a good time. Her voice was still significantly lower in volume than usual.

 

“Wake Zaeed and tell him to suit up. I want him in the Comm Room for debrief in an hour.” She replied her voice still filled with laughter. She had been intending on taking Grunt for this mission, if for no other reason than to allow him to vent his frustration but he was rather boisterous even at the best of times and her head couldn’t deal with that today. Jack could be loud too but mostly her attire made her unsuitable for this mission. Haestorm’s sun was going red giant and they didn’t have any protective gear on board for the biotic to wear.

 

Jacob’s grudge against the Geth could be problematic and wherever Tali was there was a 60% chance of Geth. She’d rather not put herself or Garrus in that situation. Also he was Cerberus which was why she wasn’t bringing Miranda either. Ugh why did she do this to herself? She had not meant to be this hung over.

 

“How bad is your hangover?” She asked turning her attention back to Garrus.

 

“Hell of a headache but nothing that will stop me going planet side. You?” He answered with a gentle shake of his head.

 

“Same with some added nausea. We are never drinking before a mission again.” She complained with a bitter chuckle. It was going to be one hell of a day.

 

“It wasn’t one of our best ideas, Shepard but I don’t regret it.” He drawled with a smug smirk.

 

“We’ll see about that once things start exploding.” She laughed as she turned to leave. “I’ll see you in the Comm Room in an hour.”

 

Well if he didn’t regret it everything was fine. At least she wouldn’t be trapped in her own head worrying about messing everything up now. When she was feeling better she would start her own research into Turian customs and anatomy, it would be unfair to leave all the work to him and she hated to be unprepared. Here’s to hoping they could make this work. 


End file.
